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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

351 replies

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/03/2024 11:52

Yanbu, he sounds creepy
If your dp won't stand up for you then he's part of the problem

Nagado · 13/03/2024 11:58

Well it’s not harmless, is it? It’s making you feel uncomfortable. If you don’t feel able to tell his friend to knock it off and he won’t tell his friend, then you’d be fine to remove yourself from the situation. Your DP doesn’t care if his friend is making things awkward for you, so why are you worrying about whether your disappearance will make things awkward for him? He’s highly unlikely to be honest about the reason you’ve left, so let him say whatever he wants.

Thelnebriati · 13/03/2024 12:08

Stop worrying about making things awkward and just go home. John made things awkward by being overly familiar and crossing your boundaries. Your DP made things awkward by supporting John and dismissing your feelings. There's nothing harmless about any of it.

Picklestop · 13/03/2024 12:11

I wouldn’t cut my trip short. But I would tell DH, I would avoid John and I won’t go on future trips with John.

ViciousCurrentBun · 13/03/2024 12:19

He isn’t harmless he is a massive creep. The issue is also your partner, it’s the kind of sexist crap where a man when they think other men want their woman well she becomes a sort of trophy which he has won.

When I was in my twenties an awful man at a family get together at my boyfriends Uncles house, he was a friend of the Uncle. He hugged me in greeting. I wasn’t even keen on that but he licked my neck, I was so shocked and horrified I didn’t say a word. That was my mistake

The hot tub incident means he was attempting to get you to sit on his dick, does that mean your BF thinks it ok for you to be assaulted. Honestly if you can’t get your partner to have an epiphany and see your point of view then it’s over. That man does not have your back at all.

Go home early and say why, this is make or break time in your relationship.

SomersetTart · 13/03/2024 12:20

John sounds like an arsehole and a sex pest. I'd give him a very wide berth for the rest of the holiday, tell my partner exactly why I'm doing so and ask him why he's a wet as water at helping me defend my boundaries. I'd have a good think about if I want to stay with him when I get back from the holiday.

LittleeJuann · 13/03/2024 12:20

Thats just gross, hope you're ok!

"Thats just what John's like" -what, a creepy handsy lech who openly pervs on his mates mrs, while his wife is there? He sounds like an absolute troll

And how has John's poor wife reacted to this?

Sounds like DP is intimidated by John or something, and is being a bit of a coward...

I'd leave before things escalate. Especially if alcohol is involved.
Do you really want to be around to find out what will John do next?

Why are you even worried about making things awkward for DP, he's clearly not worried how awkward and uncomfortable this is for you?

Just leave. Bye. Nobody has the right to make you feel that way.

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2024 12:24

Why are you worried about your dp feeling awkward?

He clearly doesn't care if you feel awkward...

He sounds scared to speak up. Pathetic.

If you can summon the words say something. Like " get your fucking hands off me ".

The guy is disgusting. Your dp isn't much better.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 13/03/2024 12:25

Would you be in a position to stay sober for an evening and call him out on his behaviour directly in front of your DH, his wife and the rest of the group?

Original poster
offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:26

I want to call it out but it’s such a close knit group of friends that I’d inevitably be the villain and it would be horribly awkward. So I think best just to leave as I can’t stand being around this guy.

OP posts:
Luckycloverz · 13/03/2024 12:27

I take it you've discussed with your partner, what did he say? Re you now wanting to leave early, surely he'd rather speak to John about issues rather than see you so uncomfortable to leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2024 12:28

Stop putting your partner's feelings before your own and stop waiting for him to "defend" you. Anytime a man does something inappropriate, you should voice your objection immediately. It's not your responsibility to keep the peace.

Original poster
offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/03/2024 12:30

Would John be enabled to do this if you were a 45 Yr old, 6 feet MALE... Totally unacceptable, the biggest problem is your partner being incredibly weak and self serving. He should be fucking ashamed that he isn't standing up to his friend. What an utter wanker. I'd say in a very very loud voice to John, "No thank you, you're crossing a boundary, do not touch me again". I'd tell my partner it's finished and go home. Men like this are not worth your time and John is a creepy prick. Imagine what he does when nobody can see.

GabriellaMontez · 13/03/2024 12:31

Sorry to read your update. Your boyfriend comes out of this looking really bad.

Luckycloverz · 13/03/2024 12:32

In that case I'd just leave if your able to do so, or just tell John to his face it's making you uncomfortable. Unfortunately maybe he's done this to others and no one's called him out on it yet so carries on.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 13/03/2024 12:33

How long have you been with your dp?
do you often have to socialise with John?

I’m sorry you have been put in this situation, unfortunately men like John behave like this because others will excuse his behaviour as him just having a laugh/just John being John.

i would just go home, it is gas lighting bullshit

EC22 · 13/03/2024 12:34

Going home is dramatic, just avoid him as best you can.

Not19foreverpullyourselftogether · 13/03/2024 12:34

I was in a similar position many years ago, SA in a bar full of friends by my DP’s fun, gregarious, outrageous alpha male mate.
My DP shrugged it off and I STILL regret not walking out.
Don’t be me. Think of the advice you would give to a friend or a sister or daughter and take that advice.

Bearpawk · 13/03/2024 12:36

Speak up and shut him down every time. time he touches you 'don't touch me'
Every time he picks you up 'I asked you not to touch me'
Loudly and firmly and in front of everybody.

Coolblur · 13/03/2024 12:37

John is well out of order, as is your partner. Would he lift a friends girlfriend onto his lap in a hot tub? I guess not, so why is it ok that John does? How would your partner feel if you were planting yourself on John's lap deliberately? Pretty sure he would have a problem then.

Tell your partner, and tell John 'no' loudly if he tries anything else. Or just leave and reconsider your relationship. Your partner sounds like he might be (to coin a horrible phrase) a 'bros before hos' type of guy, so you may be better off without him.

Inkyblue123 · 13/03/2024 12:37

Ewwww John is a creep. Is there no way of avoiding him? Just you and your boyfriend going out for a romantic meal or an early night and a movie? Just becouse you are on a group holiday doesn’t mean you have to spend every minute with them. I’m afraid if your boyfriend isn’t prepared to step up and support you , you may as well ditch him along with the ski trip.

Bearpawk · 13/03/2024 12:37

Also I wouldn't be impressed with my bf at all if I was you

LittleeJuann · 13/03/2024 12:39

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:26

I want to call it out but it’s such a close knit group of friends that I’d inevitably be the villain and it would be horribly awkward. So I think best just to leave as I can’t stand being around this guy.

I do think leaving and removing yourself from this situation is the best decision. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh but you've bascially just been assaulted in front of your DP, and he's done what exactly? Dismissed you and stuck up for a creep. Red flag alert.

I wouldnt even say goodbye, just jump in the car and go.

If they're so close-knit that they'd close ranks to protect that creepy perv, then you're better off well away from all of them.

BubblePerm · 13/03/2024 12:39

Shout, "Don't fucking touch me, John, weirdo!" Job done. It's gone far too far.

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