To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

As a guy, I'd be having words with 'John'. If you're my partner, you're mine, and not for someone else to touch in that way. Definitely not in a half-naked situation like a hot tub!

The fact that your partner shrugs it off, to me, suggests he thinks of you more like a peace of meat rather than someone he loves, honours and respects.

I think this is much on your partner as it is on 'John'.

No. Women don’t belong to men.

Your role as her partner would not be to assert ownership over her - that implies that the behaviour would be fine if she was single.

Your role is to support her assertion of her own boundaries. John’s behaviour is an assault on her, not on you. Taking it up with John because he’s encroached on your territory is not supportive of the woman who’s been sexually harassed.

Your attitude isn’t much better than his, tbh. You’re also treating her like a piece of meat.

What a repellent post. No woman is your property, with you the only one licensed to touch her.

Oh hon. You are so nearly there.

The reason to intervene is not because you possess your girlfriend. It is because she has consented to be in a relationship with you, not anyone else. No one, male or female, should be coerced into tolerating unwanted sexual attention. John's behaviour is predatory and needs to be addressed as such.

.

I don’t think you really understand this.

he thinks of you more like a peace of meat
and
you're mine, and not for someone else to touch

are equally out of order and if my husband ever expressed a view like this he’d be a dot on the horizon with my boot up his arse.

@C1N1C

As a guy, I'd be having words with 'John'. If you're my partner, you're mine, and not for someone else to touch in that way.

Oh dear.

Making this about who is entitled to access to her body, who she belongs to, rather than mKing it about her feeling uncomfortable and it being completely inappropriate for him to behave this way, is pretty gross.

It would be just as wrong if she was single. It isn't her being someone's else's partner than makes it wrong. It's her being touched without her consent, as well as being on the receiving end of inappropriate comments.

I hope that the fact multiple women have replied with similar reactions to your posts causes you to rethink it and acknowledge you understand, rather than being defensive as a kneejerk reaction.

I think instead of

”That's enough now, John. Stop making sexual comments about me. I find it upsetting. Thank you."

Really call him out with

”That's enough now, John. Stop making sexual comments about me. You are coming across as a creepy pervert."

@C1N1C

Women do not exist through the lense of which man they belong to. They exist in their own right. They are not either

a. the property of this man
b. the property of that man
c. up for grabs

As a guy, what might be more appropriate would be to think of your female partner as a human with as much agency as you, rather than a belonging, and deal with the situation as such.

It's 5 days since the OP wrote this thread, I don't think she's coming back ?

This is why every woman has been sexually assaulted or knows someone who has been sexually assaulted but no man has a friend that is a rapist! Big red flag re DP!

"As a guy, what might be more appropriate would be to think of your female partner as a human with as much agency as you, rather than a belonging, and deal with the situation as such."

So someone able to state her own boundaries without expecting her BF to do it for her, and then whining when he doesn"t do it properly?

Unfortunately a lot of women are too insecure to tell the BF the stuff all the keyboard warriors are spouting here because 1) they can"t cope with being on their own and 2) They don"t trust the partner to go on holiday without them, they would be unable to cope with the feelings of jealousy that he might be "up to something" with his gropey mate.

Eh?!

What are you on about?

@CrashyTime

I've never witnessed a person who uses the phrase "keyboard warriors" making a sensible point.

You don't sound like you like women very much tbh.

@CrashyTime

Who's whining?

Ffs both blokes sound appalling. One won’t keep his paws to himself and the other is behaving pathetically.
Give them both a wide swerve. Go home and don’t look back.

No, not a joke. She is not married to him - so her relationship with a strange friend is the same as to the 'dp' - they are not anything special to each other. So she sleeps with a person she is not married to - why can't the creepy guy make a pass? Also, no normal woman would get in a shared tub with a creepy guy or indeed any strangers. It is filthy both physically and morally.

Sitting in a hot tub with a creep and calling him out? Like how - I am a woman with boundaries, in a hot tub with you.... Priceless.

In 2024 it is entirely possible to be in a relationship as committed as a marriage without being married. It doesn’t make you single just because you haven’t had a ceremony to tie you together. Your view of what makes a ‘normal’ woman does not accurately reflect society.

If you are ticking the single box on all your forms you’re single.

Legally, yes, but not emotionally, socially, or morally.

Yes it is pretty silly, doubt the OP is coming back though, the thread jumped the shark a while back.

...the thread jumped the shark a while back.

Anytime the Tater-tots show up to call women sluts, yes the thread has truly jumped the shark.

🤣 that’s what you think!

You have two options, both of which I think you should take:

You tell John that his attentions are unwelcome and he is a sleazy dick.

You tell your partner that he is a spineless, antediluvian twat and you deserve better than him.

Honestly, you do not need either of these people in your life and should not doubt that for one moment. You're worth more than that.