To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

Your partner saying 'that's just what he's like' thereby endorsing and perpetuating these kind of attitudes and behaviours towards women - if he doesn't rethink and realise this is wrong when you point this out to him then that would be the end of the relationship for me. Yanbu to feel uncomfortable and of course John's behaviour is absolutely wrong.

Sounds like your bf thinks your body is his, not only to enjoy, but also to share around with his mates to show them what a top bloke he is.
🤢🤢🤢

I'd go home. He's a creepy twat and your BF hasn't got your back

John relies on other people feeling awkward and this enables him to get away with murder. Clearly John never feels awkward about his offensive behaviour.

I know I'm old, but the idea of being in a crowded hot tub with a mixed group of drunk people appalls me.

Well you're already feeling awkward so how much worse would it be if you pointed out John's disgusting behaviour? It might be that you over-react to whatever he does next, but he's counting on you trying to keep the peace. Your bf needs to have your back in this, even if he thinks John is harmless your holiday is being ruined (and John isn't harmless, he's offensive)

YABU

I definitely wouldn’t be leaving my holiday over it.

I would have a quiet word with DP about how it makes you feel and ask that you have more time as a couple.

If they are going out drinking and getting in the hot tub then I’d tell them you’re not doing it that day.

If your DP isn’t listening to your feelings then perhaps start taking these comments as compliments and keep talking about how attractive you find this friend to your DP.

I bet as soon as he starts feeling uncomfortable about the situation he’ll start wanting to spend less time with this friend and start finding his comments inappropriate, if he thinks you’re enjoying them too much.

If you aren’t enjoying yourself and you aren’t getting any support from your DP in holding your boundaries then I don’t think leaving is dramatic (as somebody else put it up thread). It sounds sensible.

It’s the end of your relationship, though. Not because of John, but because your DP doesn’t give a shit about whether you’re comfortable or not or even sexually harassed. You may need time to process this. But in the weeks and months to come, try not to push your feelings to one side when he makes up more excuses.

Sounds like the start of a bad porno or literorica submission, but I suspect you know that.

Push him off and say loudly 'Get your hands off of me' if he tries to touch you again.

You don't need your boyfriend to was in until you've tackled him first.

I wouldn't go home, if I could avoid him, as I'm not losing money and missing out on skiing because of a sleazy twat.

However I would tell by BF that I was seriously reconsidering my relationship with him due to a complete lack of support in tackling his friends inappropriate behaviour towards me. Commenting on someone's body and getting them to sit on your lap, is NOT appropriate, and presumably he wouldn't do this to a male friend. Not only has he shown you no support or understanding, he is actually victim blaming you for your completely normal and proportionate reaction.

'Just what he is like' is NOT justification for inappropriate behaviour. Jimmy Saville was 'just what he was like'. Everyone is. Its not an excuse or even a reason, its just words which means that 'my need to not feel awkward in my friendship group, is more important than you feeling uncomfortable with unwanted sexually motivated comments and actions from another man'.

Why does he think it's OK to be friends with such a sleazebag (even if he wasn't directing his sleaze towards you). Does he not realise by not standing up to behaviour, he is condoning it

So rather than putting the lech in his place so that he realises it is creepy unacceptable behaviour OP should reward him by suggesting he is attractive.🤔

Tell your partner to go sit on his knee and give him a kiss if it's all sorted harmless.

The guy is a creep.
It's not harmless unless your discomfort is unimportant to your partner.

Your boyfriend is pathetic. He's prepared to offer you up for groping to what he perceives to be the alpha male.

What about this guy's poor wife? She must feel awful. Has she seen his lecherous behaviour towards you?

If you don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable perhaps you could lean in to John and whisper 'If you ever touch me or comment about my looks again I'm going to stick a fork in your testicles.' No idea how that would play out but I'm enjoying imagining you doing it.

To her DP yes.

He doesn’t feel uncomfortable, so won’t make any changes.

If he starts feeling uncomfortable, I can guarantee that he’ll quickly make changes and call his friend out on it.

John is like this because your DP and others stay silent.

I'd be fucking fuming with my "partner" and would lose all respect for him, and anyone else that was there and didn't speak up.

I'd leave. For me there would be nothing to salvage by staying as I'd be done with the lot of them.

My time is too precious to me to spend it with any one of them. Just go home, OP. You deserve better.

Your partner is an absolute drip. He shouldn't be minimising your feelings of discomfort. What a horrible situation for you OP. I would probably want to leave too, both to get away from John and to get away from my unsupportive ex partner.

I know a lot of people have said don’t go home and lose out on your holiday, but I think that going home is a legitimate option.

Ultimately if you don’t feel comfortable and you’re not enjoying the holiday because of John (who is creepy as all get out) and because of your bf (who is not supporting you and therefore enabling John’s behaviour) and you would be happier removing yourself from the situation, then do that.

You are not obligated to call John out in an environment where you are not supported. You are entitled to simply leave if that’s the best option for you.

Does his friend have a girlfriend?

if your boyfriend was a man he would have a word with him….don’t associate with the friend for the rest of the holiday….stand your ground

If you don't feel like going the whole hog and changing your flights, you could get a taxi down to the nearest town with a decent spa hotel and spend the next few days there, somewhere lovely, then catch your original flight home.

Honestly, life's too short to be spending your time and energy enduring company like this, and I'd be so over my partner if I were you at this point there would be no joy in spending time with him either.

Put yourself first, it's clear that nobody else is going to.

Imo you should call John out, go home and also dump your boyfriend. He has made it clear how little of a shit he gives about your feelings and boundaries. 'He's just being John' actually means 'I know what he's like, and I know it makes you uncomfortable, but he's my mate, so tough luck'.

How long have you been with your partner? He sounds really shit. Also, possibly into seeing his GF get off with other men. Ugh 🤢

Sorry, just saw the 4 years. Bloody hell 😒