To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

I'd leave. If John is acting like this in front of people what will he do if you and him are alone? Be careful and take care x

It’s men like your DP who excuse their mates behaviour that actually fuel the problem. He’s normalising it!
to coin a MN phrase ‘You have a DP problem’
I would seriously consider my future with this man.
good luck op

How much of an age difference is between you and your partner?

Nothing justifies John being a creep towards you

I don't think the OP should have to do what I've suggested but I do think it is a less conflict-centric way to go. If the OP was comfortable telling him to F off, she would have already. Even if she does snap back/stand up for herself, the likelihood is that the situation will be horribly awkward for the rest of the week and she'll bear the brunt of it. My suggestion was designed to give her an option which she might be comfortable implementing.

Good luck OP - if you are happy with a nuclear option then do of course tell them all to fuck off and then exit stage left!!

If he only feels uncomfortable if he thinks OP likes being leched over by his creepy friend, and is not bothered if she is unhappy, he is not worth having.

"Oh bugger off, John, you greasy perv".

Yanbu but he's relying in you being polite about it. Tell him loudly to fuck off infront of everyone and never spend time with this man again.

Grim, leave and get rid of the boyfriend too. Any partner who is happy to watch their friend make you feel uncomfortable is not worth keeping around.

There is no way my DH would be OK with this.

Haven't RTFT but have read your posts. This isn't your friend group at all. It's your useless boyfriend and his sex-pest mate's group (have you ever spoken to his wife about this disgusting behaviour? Has she ever said anything to you, or is she so browbeaten she accepts him assaulting other women?) I'd be out of the holiday, the group and the relationship. He doesn't have your back and never will.

' go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP? '

really ?!!! you are concerned that by going home it might make things awkward for your partner

that's HIS problem not yours, YOUR problem is his friend

can you actually go home ? do you need to amend or book a fight ? how easy is it for you to leave ?

if you can leave, do so.

your dp can choose if he decides to leave too...

I put yabu but only because I don’t think you should cut your trip short due to this weirdo guy. YANBU to feel like you want to leave because of him.

You need to make it very clear to your partner how uncomfortable John is making you feel and that you won’t tolerate it - and that he needs to back you up.

its not acceptable that that’s “just how John is”

If your DP can't back you and put john right on how to behave like a human being then it's time to walk.

Eurgh, that’s just disgusting! I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s so wrong, and I can’t believe your DP is just dismissing it as normal behaviour for John?! Poor John’s wife needs to GTFO as do you! As others have said, I’d be seriously considering my future with DP too, as it’s incredibly worrying that he’s ok with this, and even arguing with you about YOUR behaviour because of HIS creepy mate! Red flags everywhere. I hope you’re ok and not putting up with this anymore 😢

Ughh John and your BF sound like some hideous ex public school boys I met once Euro railing.
Honestly you should dump your sexist, weak BF he sounds pathetic. John is obviously vile.

The hot tub incidents give me the ick. The rest I could put down to someone being tactile or a bit boisterous. But I don’t want anyone new in my life commenting on my appearance (complimentary or not) or invading my personal space when I’m in swimwear.

I said YABU only because on a group trip you can get your OH to ask him to tone it down and keep a bit of distance between you. No squishing together on the chairlifts!!!! Plus, I wouldn’t give up my time on the slopes for anyone.

This is how men get away with such disgusting behaviour. His mates have all convinced themselves he’s fun and just having a laugh. This guy is seriously creepy…. And no one is going to do a thing about it.
If you can leave early I would… but if you can’t keep well away from him and make it very clear that you find him a pest.
Sadly, you are going to have to think very hard about your relationship with your boyfriend. Four years together and he lets his mate treat you like he has? No way. No decent man would allow that and he’s proved he is willing to stand by and watch you get uncomfortable with this creep rather than call out his friend for his dreadful behaviour.
If you do decide to stay with him, I would tell him in very plain terms that his friend is a pervy creep and you want nothing to do with him. And he is never invited to your home.

Ugh. How absolutely beta of your DP. My DH is by no means a macho man, but can't imagine he'd tolerate this, especially when I'd told him how uncomfortable it made me feel.

I'd say your DP is the main issue as John knows he'll get away with it.

I would give your partner one more chance. I would very clearly explain "I am your girlfriend, I am telling you that a man is making me feel uncomfortable. He is touching me, making comments on my body, trying to make me sit on him. He is your friend and you're used to it but I am telling you that I don't feel comfortable or safe around this man. And if you cannot stand up for me against men that make me uncomfortable then I will remove myself from the whole situation."

It would be relationship ending for me if DP allowed another man to treat me like that.

And some may say I shouldn't need a man to stand up for me against other men. Fuck that. It is your man's job to protect you, you shouldn't have to defend yourself and protect yourself while your man sits idly by.

John is grim and your boyfriend sticking up for him, not you, is easily a dumping offence.

I don't know if I'd cut my holiday short (if there were any aspects of it I could still enjoy... the skiing or the other people... depends how many days left too, and how out-of-pocket an extra flight would leave me) but I'd end the relationship as soon as I got home.

It's not even about protecting me per se (I can protect myself) but just about being on the same wavelength. I can do what needs to be done if I'm harassed but there's no point having a partner who won't have your back.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
Maya Angelo

Get yourself home lovely.

100% this.

And some may say I shouldn't need a man to stand up for me against other men. Fuck that. It is your man's job to protect you, you shouldn't have to defend yourself and protect yourself while your man sits idly by.

Personally I wouldn’t be happy if DH decided he needed to protect me. I’m an adult and I’m perfectly capable of looking out for myself. I would expect though, him to support / back me up when I called John out rather than excuse his behaviour.

Tell the creep to keep his hands to himself - feel free to add some colourful language - do this before you leave and do it loudly so it can’t be covered up by your useless BF - creeps like this need to be called out every time - yes I get it’s hard but you don’t have to put up with this.

Could you have a word with John by himself, rather than in front of others?

Just give him examples of what made you feel uncomfortable. He will probably say that he’s just being friendly, but you can reiterate that however ‘well intentioned’ it is, it still makes you uncomfortable.

This will make him feel uncomfortable too, and you can helpfully draw a comparison for him, so he gets it through his thick head.

Are you in Scotland? Is it easy for you to get home?