Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

351 replies

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

OP posts:
LadyNijo · 13/03/2024 12:40

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:26

I want to call it out but it’s such a close knit group of friends that I’d inevitably be the villain and it would be horribly awkward. So I think best just to leave as I can’t stand being around this guy.

So who cares if you’re the villain? If a group of people think you’re the asshole for telling Mr Creepy to back off, are they really the kind of people whose approval you’d want? You’d rather meekly go home early from a holiday than assert yourself?

LadyNijo · 13/03/2024 12:42

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

Well, the asshole here isn’t you. You’re in no way obliged to think John is fabulous, if loud and demonstrative, just because your boyfriend does. I’m assuming he’s not picking your boyfriend up, kissing him, trying to sit him on his lap and commenting on his body?

LittleeJuann · 13/03/2024 12:44

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

I wonder if that argument would stand up in court?

"Well your honour, yes he puts his hands where they're not welcome and he might possibly be a wee bit rapey, but thats Just John." -Please..! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Your DP is a dick and you can do much better.

VivaDixie · 13/03/2024 12:51

John sounds like a prick who has got away with this behaviour for years, because nobody else has stood up to him.

I wouldn't be surprised if one of the women has had this before and would secretly applaud you for standing up for yourself.

colourfulcrochet · 13/03/2024 12:56

There's a reason why your boyfriend is mates with John. Cut from the same cloth.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2024 12:56

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

Forewarned is fair warned. You've been shown clearly the type of man your boyfriend really is. I hope you're paying attention.

CreativeNameChange · 13/03/2024 12:57

I am going against the grain here, but in your situation, I would either get myself alternative accommodation and do the rest of the trip by myself or go home. The hot tub incident sounds close to assault covered in the guise of "it's all harmless banter". I'd be worried about John escalating in future.

Your partner needs to understand that his friend has crossed unacceptable boundaries. You staying because he has said "that's just John" isn't going to ram that home for him, but you leaving might make him realise that a line was crossed by John.

You said that the other people on the trip are mainly your partner's friends, so don't waste any headspace worrying about "how it looks" to them. I suspect a few of them probably also think that John is a grade A creep.

Don't let your partner gaslight you and tell you that you're being dramatic, just calmly repeat that John's behaviour makes you feel unsafe and that's why you are leaving.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/03/2024 13:19

Just say it straight to DP and John. I'm not staying here any more as you John are making me uncomfortable, and you DP and doing nothing to stop the situation. So bye.
Then leave. And refuse to see John again.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 13/03/2024 13:25

Picklestop · 13/03/2024 12:11

I wouldn’t cut my trip short. But I would tell DH, I would avoid John and I won’t go on future trips with John.

Edited

Me too. I would also loudly say Do Not Touch Me! Or whatever fits the moment.

Yellowroseblooms · 13/03/2024 13:25

I once had an unsatisfactory boyfriend who didn't treat me very nicely. Even he, when I told him of his best friend's over familiar behaviour, told him to knock it off and you know what, he did. In fact, I can't think of anybody I ever went out with who would think this was acceptable behaviour from their friend. I think I would be leaving early and permanently.

sallydoodlecat · 13/03/2024 13:29

"That's Just John" is not an excuse. His intention might be a harmless bit of fun (which of course it's not) but the impact it has on others is significant and he and your boyfriend need to be told. Phrases like "you've crossed a line here and that makes me uncomfortable. Stop". "That's not appropriate". But your boyfriend has to do the same. I'm sure he feels uncomfortable too but just doesn't want to rock the boat. He needs to speak to dick head John and tell him to stop. Why should you have to leave your holiday because of him? He and the other people there are being bystanders when they should be supporting you. Please speak up. Sorry you're in this situation. It's shit.

LoobieIoo · 13/03/2024 13:32

I wouldnt cut my trip short no way. The kissing on the cheek I'd say normal. Saying he finds youa attractive, totally not normal and your DP should have spoken up. What did he actually say about you?

Original poster
offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 13:34

LoobieIoo · 13/03/2024 13:32

I wouldnt cut my trip short no way. The kissing on the cheek I'd say normal. Saying he finds youa attractive, totally not normal and your DP should have spoken up. What did he actually say about you?

On day one, I got in the hot tub with John and my DP in a swimsuit and he, a few drinks down, eyed me up and said “you are f-ing hot!* To which my partner laughed.

OP posts:
AlohaOptima · 13/03/2024 13:38

He’s a total dick, I feel sorry for you and for his wife.

how long is left of the holiday? I would break up with the BF as soon as you get home, he has done nothing to support you. All he needs to do is say come off it mate, leave her alone don’t be a dick. They would both laugh about it but it would be point made.

buidhe · 13/03/2024 13:38

Part of getting people to realise that being 'just John' is creepy AF is speaking up. Agree with others that your boyfriend needs to realise John is crossing a line. I wouldn't go home but would try to avoid John where possible and be very vocal if needed. You can just say plainly 'you're being over familiar John and you are making me uncomfortable'. Think about your comfort, not everyone else's and draw attention to how creepy he is being.

wombat15 · 13/03/2024 13:38

I wouldn't go home but if he tries anything again I would very loudly tell him to keep his hands to himself. Men like him need to be told to f off.
Your dp's response is pathetic. He's basically saying that it's okay to be a creepy lech.

GrumpyPanda · 13/03/2024 13:41

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:26

I want to call it out but it’s such a close knit group of friends that I’d inevitably be the villain and it would be horribly awkward. So I think best just to leave as I can’t stand being around this guy.

Yes it would be awkward, but for him.

Call him out each and every time, very loudly and in front of everybody. Bonus points the more factual you make it - e.g. take your hands off, what's your hand doing there.

Re the kissing, angle your body sideways a bit and stretch your hand out in front for him to shake - that way he won't be able to reach your cheek. If he tries to step around, just follow his movement and turn with him, outstretched arm always in front of your body blocking his way.

It's not you, it's him. Don't take the shame on yourself!

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2024 13:42

Tell John in a loud voice in front of the others to keep his hands off you and if he touches you again you'll report him for assault. Stand up for yourself.

SmashedPrawnsInAMilkyBasket · 13/03/2024 13:43

I’d actually dump the boyfriend and go home. He clearly thinks it’s fine for men to treat women the way John treats you, so he doesn’t respect women, and by extension, you. It’s helpful when someone so clearly demonstrates their values, because you can use that knowledge. I wouldn’t give my time and attention to a man like your DP for a moment longer.

iwafs · 13/03/2024 13:46

Well the guy is worse than creepy, he’s gross. Trying to get you to sit on him in the hot tub was absolutely appalling. His hands would have been everywhere, not to mention his dick. Im very surprised your dp tolerates you being treated like this, also the group of friends. Really really weird.

Ariona · 13/03/2024 13:50

Where is his wife in all this??

MmePoppySeedDefage · 13/03/2024 13:52

You've told your boyfriend you don't feel comfortable around John and he's not standing up for you, and protecting you.

The problem is your boyfriend as well as John, I'm sorry to say. The problem is not you.

KreedKafer · 13/03/2024 13:54

my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless

I'd leave my DP if he said that about someone who kept bloody groping me

pickledandpuzzled · 13/03/2024 14:00

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 13:34

On day one, I got in the hot tub with John and my DP in a swimsuit and he, a few drinks down, eyed me up and said “you are f-ing hot!* To which my partner laughed.

Edited
Show quote history

you are f-ing hot!*
you are f-ing offensive!*

Piss off John.
Don’t be handsy John

That’s just John!
What? A handsy twat?

When someone challenges you- that’s just me, calling out pervs wherever they are.

Oh that’s just me, can’t abide a handsy twat.

What am I like? Can’t politely pretend when someone gropes me!