Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

351 replies

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 11:51

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

OP posts:
Dontforgetthesalamander · 14/03/2024 08:46

Dump the boyfriend and go home. He's prioritising pervy john over you.

Dontforgetthesalamander · 14/03/2024 08:47

MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2024 08:46

Could you have a word with John by himself, rather than in front of others?

Just give him examples of what made you feel uncomfortable. He will probably say that he’s just being friendly, but you can reiterate that however ‘well intentioned’ it is, it still makes you uncomfortable.

This will make him feel uncomfortable too, and you can helpfully draw a comparison for him, so he gets it through his thick head.

Are you in Scotland? Is it easy for you to get home?

Pervy john would love to know he's making op uncomfortable. That's his aim.

Northernsouloldies · 14/03/2024 08:48

I feel sorry for Johns wife as well, imagine having being married to this creepy fucker.

lookwhatyoudidthere · 14/03/2024 08:49

I'd say very loudly and clearly (in earshot of John's wife), 'John - you've just tongued my ear/tapped my bum/goosed me in the hot tub'. Make sure everyone hears, if he laughs it off, say 'you want to careful behaving that way these days, some would say it's inappropriate, especially as a married man'. See what the tight knit group says. Maybe they are the sort who regularly grope each other without a crossword, best to find out now I'm saying!

Threewheeler1 · 14/03/2024 08:59

Your DP isn't much of a D or a P by the sounds of it. Useless.
John sounds like a disgusting lech and they let him get away with it - even worse they find it funny. That's disturbing and if it's what passes for acceptable (and entertaining 😡) to this lot I'd be buggering right off out of there, fuck what they think.
Sorry you're going through this OP, it's pervy, rank behaviour and seems like John's surrounded by a bunch of enablers. Take care of yourself, you're absolutely right to want to make an exit.

VelvetandLace · 14/03/2024 09:00

I don’t think I’d go home if I was enjoying the skiing. But I get that it’s difficult to be round a heavy drinking crowd in the evenings. It doesn’t sound like you’d be able to curl up with a good book instead.
His poor wife probably knows what he is like.

JayJayj · 14/03/2024 09:01

Regardless of “John being John” if it’s just in fun. You do not find it fun.

It would not hurt your partner to speak to John when sober and apart to just say the comments make you uncomfortable can you stop it with her please.

This could be a major problem in your relationship. It is a big test to see if he will actually put you and the way you feel first.

Davidchecksall · 14/03/2024 09:02

Have you talked to the other women, how do they manage him? you should explain to John's wife.

Edders71 · 14/03/2024 09:10

OP, there’s a lot of comments here suggesting you tell John to stop, particularly in front of the others. I genuinely would advise you against that. I’ve met a few Johns before. If you publicly humiliate him, he will instantly find a way to belittle and humiliate you in return. The others will say nothing and will probably laugh along with him.

Unless you’re a particularly thick skinned woman I wouldn’t put myself through that. Walk away. Your DP can then decide whether he wants you or John in his life. Don’t let him have both. All the best.

Chimen · 14/03/2024 09:15

Your partner is probably afraid of John and the consequences of being on his bad side.

As a previous poster, you or your BF could go up to him in private and tell him his comments are making you uncomfortable and to stop them.

If he has any social skills, he will apologise and move on.

meatyryvita · 14/03/2024 09:19

Your 'DP' and John seem to have zero qualms about making things awkward and uncomfortable for you. The fact that he does this publicly is to make you the 'bitch', the unreasonable one who doesn't get a joke, if and when you push back. John is a predator and should be put in his place.

silverbubbles · 14/03/2024 09:19

Don't be over dramatic and moody about it - let John know his behaviour is not appreciated. Face it head on and call John out infront of the others and and tell him off. Don't storm off either. Stay on your holiday and avoid John.

Don't comment on my appearance John.
Why do you keep commenting on my height JOhn?? - you keep saying I'm short its really odd. Can you stop doing this.
Stopping grabbing / touching me John. Were you not taught to keep your hands to yourself?

MsFaversham · 14/03/2024 09:23

I would leave and leave the discussion with my DP about it until he got home, should you decide you want to stay with him. He hasn’t supported you in any way. The problem with men like John is the more they get away with, the more they think they can do and your DP is enabling his behaviour. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable to this. It may not escalate but you feel upset and uncomfortable and that is enough. There is a risk it will escalate though and I wouldn’t want to take that risk.

LitanyOfDenial · 14/03/2024 09:25

Men have got away with behaving like this for way too long. And women are seen as over-reacting. Nope. He is a creep. It’s not funny and it’s not acceptable. Gross. Your feelings are valid. Your boyfriend is a dickhead. I am sorry OP.

Newsenmum · 14/03/2024 09:27

offpiste89 · 13/03/2024 12:29

Well I’ve had an argument with DP about it because I’m being unsociable and moody and he doesn’t think John is behaving any way other than Just John. Totally fed up!

ughhh ‘just John’ yeah these guys are always ‘just John’ ffs. Sorry op but this is NOT on. Let him stew. He’ll either come to his senses or you need a serious think about where you stand with him.

gannett · 14/03/2024 09:28

Edders71 · 14/03/2024 09:10

OP, there’s a lot of comments here suggesting you tell John to stop, particularly in front of the others. I genuinely would advise you against that. I’ve met a few Johns before. If you publicly humiliate him, he will instantly find a way to belittle and humiliate you in return. The others will say nothing and will probably laugh along with him.

Unless you’re a particularly thick skinned woman I wouldn’t put myself through that. Walk away. Your DP can then decide whether he wants you or John in his life. Don’t let him have both. All the best.

Agree. The others know what he's like and are OK enough with it to invite him on holiday (and a shared-accommodation holiday at that). They won't have OP's back.

That also tells you something important about the friendship group as a whole.

Dery · 14/03/2024 09:36

This man is touching you in ways you don’t want. Why does your BF think it’s his call as to whether or not this is okay? He and the other men should be ashamed that they are allowing this. Actually, it’s because your BF regards you ultimately as less than the men in the room and essentially his appendage who should simper and act docilely while his friend feels you up.

My young adult DD knows a young man who behaves impeccably when sober but can become really troublesome when drunk. It’s awful but his male friends deal with it. They try to stop him drinking and if that fails they take him home. Those 18 year old lads are showing a hell of a lot more decency and maturity than your BF.

frami · 14/03/2024 09:47

I knew someone like this who assaulted me in a smilar situation. I called him out but paid a price.

The incident happened at an event about 20 years ago so social media was not a big thing but I did feel that the group as a whole sided with him despite others experiencing the same. This was confirmed when FB took off and I realised that I was excluded from group activities, meetups etc. 20 years on it still happens. Most recent being a meal (women only) to see member who had moved away. I have never made any secret of my dislike for him and it has tainted my feelings towards his wife who apparently 'knows what he's like'. (His words.)

I still find it hard to believe how the others collude in his behaviour.

moonfacer · 14/03/2024 09:50

John is behaving right out of a seedy male fantasy.

ComeOnThenFanny · 14/03/2024 10:03

kittensinthekitchen · 13/03/2024 14:43

Sounds like the start of a bad porno or literorica submission, but I suspect you know that.

This is such a fucking disrespectful post.

ComeOnThenFanny · 14/03/2024 10:08

You need to deal with it, not your partner. Tell him to keep his hands to himself, and don't even consider everyone else and their feelings. This is about you, and how YOU feel.

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/03/2024 10:16

Yuk, and yuk that your DP is defending him. If that's "just what he's like" then fine, you don't like "what he's like" so won't be spending more time with him.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/03/2024 10:18

So your boyfriend doesn't care if you are upset. It is more acceptable to him that your reasonable boundaries are ignored than for his friend to stop making you uncomfortable. By accepting what his friend says and does he is showing you what he believes.

I hope you don't live together because I'd be going home too.

Growlybear83 · 14/03/2024 10:27

I think the man sounds a right prat but I think you considering going home early is a massive over reaction. You said that you don't know if he kisses everyone on the cheek, so it may not just be you, and if you don't like it, then tell him.

I don't see the problem with him telling you that he finds you attractive - when that happened to me in my younger days, I was always flattered and never felt comments like that were inappropriate or gross.

If the man physically tried to grab you to get you to sit on his lap in the hot tub, then yes, that's out of order and you should have told him so, but if he just encouraged you to sit on his lap when the hot tub was crowded, and everyone had been drinking heavily, thenI think that's different.

Flyingsquirrelr · 14/03/2024 10:32

Sorry , but I’m another saying you need to address this yourself . Not in front of others , not telling him it makes you uncomfortable. Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and look him straight in the eye .

Id give some thought to the DP too and whether you want to keep him . When you get home make sure he explains exactly why he didn’t have your back . He needs to lose John if he doesn’t want to lose you