To tell my boyfriend his friend makes me very uncomfortable

[offpiste89]

Hi all,
Been with DP for 4 years and on a group ski trip organised by his mates, I’ve met them a handful of times before. We are all staying in a lodge together.
One of them, let’s call him John, has given me a really uncomfortable feeling from the start of this trip. I do not know him very well, he is here with his wife, and he is a very loud person and life and soul of the party type, which I think is relevant to this. He is in his 40s. I am in my 30s.

I am not a stand offish person and will happily go for a hug to say hi, but he has been I think overly familiar and making me uncomfortable. He also does a kiss on the cheek in a very exaggerated way so as it’s an actual kiss, though I don’t know maybe he does that to everyone. He has picked me up off the ground several times and commented on how short I am, but the worst part is the hot tub incidents. The lodge has a hot tub and everyone is drinking heavily (fine, I’ve had a few too) and he has commented in front of my partner saying how attractive he finds me. I found this utterly bizarre but my DP laughed along and I suppose thought it was a nice compliment. I thought it was highly inappropriate and gross. He also tried to sit me on his lap in the hot tub when it was overcrowded. This has ruined the trip for me and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and it’s affecting how I’m coming across - not keen to socialise and my DP has said that’s just what John is like; it’s all harmless. AIBU to leave and go home early, and potentially make things really awkward for my DP?

Put it like this:

DP thinks it's all good fun but you aren't comfortable. If you say nothing and stay with DP this will continue because you were fine with it, weren't you? If you say something you risk upsetting the applecart, but it's not your applecart.

Either DP is prepared to stand up for you, then you can feel safe. If he's not he's giving this creepy carte blanche to maul his girlfriend (you) at will.

If you're not happy, say so and stay away. If DP won't protect you, and that is what men are supposed to do, then he's not going to stand up for you in any other sphere.

I experienced a similar situation when I worked bar at 19. The husband of one of the other barmaids was a bit OTT, so she had a word and he toned it down. We became friends and everything was OK. If your DP is not prepared to tell his mate to tone it down then you're not his DP; you're a grab toy for his mate.

You got into a sex pond with a creep. Expect creepy behaviour, you’re fair game in his eyes. Stay well clear.

Your DP is useless for not acting on your concerns.

What's important here is that John is crossing your boundaries and that is not ok. Whether other people would mind is neither here nor there because you do and that is totally valid.

This might sound a bit left field, but do you know your partners views on swinging? The drinking and the hot tub and the comments all sounds to me lik they are many testing how you might respond to the idea of a threesome?

(And it is utterly WRONG of them to go about it like this if so).

Yanbu. This guy is behaving in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable

that’s all there is to it as far as he and Dp need to be concerned. That’s all that needs to be said for him to back off.

“I’m not comfortable about the hugs and kisses, and the remarks about me. It needs to stop”

if they start making out that you’re a killjoy or have no sense of humour, that it’s only a joke or just kidding, you say “yes, that’s fine, I’m a killjoy/have no sense of humour etc etc, but it stops whether you think I’m being ridiculous or not, I don’t care. I’m uncomfortable and it needs to stop now”

I'd be going for a tactical discussion with other women in the group about past horrible boyfriends. Make up a lech who sounds v similar to John, visibly shudder when talking about Lech and say it's really put you off overfamilar behaviour as you get flashbacks to Lech. This way when you recoil from John, they will be more likely to take your side (sadly I don't think they will otherwise, as they are all so used to it). Yes I know you should be ably to just bluntly tell him to stop, but you know that won't go well.

I’d be reassessing boyfriend because if he is so chill and it’s all so harmless then who’s to say that if you’re all at a bar and you loudly announce the hottest man in there and go march up and perch yourself on his lap that you aren’t then acting reasonably by his logic?

Except it’s not reasonable behaviour is it?

So his argument is null and he just wont stand up for you, or worse he actually endorses and approves of his mates utter lack of respect or decency towards you. Either way I’d be checking myself into the nearest spa hotel and leaving them all to fondle each other in a hot tub.

A side thought: what on earth is his wife doing when he’s like this?

My dh is a gentle guy but if anyone made personal remarks about my body he would tell them to cut it out.
Your dp is either a coward or doesn’t care about your feelings.

Your DP actively likes that John fancies you. He enjoys John being a bit jealous of him, and he’s happy for John to have a grope of your body in plain sight under the guise of being “Just John” the ‘life and soul of the party’.

And what’s more your DP is berating you for being “unsociable and moody” about it.

Do you wonder where your DP draws the line? Because I do.

Given that he’s clearly ok with John laying his hands on you whilst you’re in a state of undress and trying to pull you onto him to sit on his dick.

I think I’d reassess the whole relationship in your situation. But in the meantime, yes I’d be packing up and going home.

I'm sorry your boyfriend is not being supportive. I would consider ditching him over this as he's not taking your feelings seriously.

But I wouldn't leave as this is good practice for you to learn to stand your ground / make your boundaries clear and do it in such a way other's admire you rather than causing social mayhem. Perhaps use this thread to get some suggestions of quick comebacks from other posters that will help you put John in his place while ensuring your own social standing.

When you find some you like may I suggest you say them out loud so they roll off your tongue easily.

I would suggest any comebacks are said with a smile on your face and a laugh that leaves people unsure if you are being sarcastic or not.

I think to his comment come and sit on my lap I would have said sarcastically "I think that's prob a job for your lovely wife" or "you sound charming".

To his comment you are hot - "you look hot too...your face has gone all red and sweaty" or "thanks but the hottest person here is really my boyfriend"

Your boyfriend might think that John's behaviour is harmless, but him dismissing your discomfort is a huge red flag for your relationship. The fact that you have a problem with John's behaviour should be enough reason for your boyfriend to take it seriously. I would be going home now and seriously re-thinking my relationship with this man.

I'd also be wondering if the boyfriend thinks John's behaviour is perfectly fine, does that mean he engages in similar when op is not around to see it. After all, it's absolutely fine, right? 🤷

Your DB is being a massive jerk and he's not protecting you against lechy men - which I see as bare minimum as a decent potential husband.

If I were there, I might be thinking 'his poor wife' about both you and Just John's wife. No, don't put up w/ it, but I'm angry that you are being put out when it's Just John who is winning. YOU deserve a fun weekend w/ your DH friends and Just John is ruining this, not you.

Personally I wouldn't need my boyfriend to defend me...I can tell someone they are pissing me off myself. THEN I'd let my boyfriend have it for excusing him and blaming me.

What does his wife think of him pulling you onto his lap in the hot tub?

If you have told your boyfriend about it all, and he won’t back you up, then yeah maybe leave

Your boyfriend sounds just as big a creep. He obviously gets off on the fact that another guy finds you attractive.

I think you should go with your instinct and go home. What's your home situation like? Do you live with your boyfriend? Is it rented or on a mortgage?

Sounds like it would be best to leave, if DP's expectations are that you'll grin and bare it all week, although I wouldn't go without telling DP that you're going because his mate is a handsy creep and he's so far up his arse he's prepared to allow you to be made to feel uncomfortable by him and just put up with it.

'It's just John'?! Yeah, well, John's a twunt and maybe DP wouldn't be such a big fan if it was him he was trying to sit on his lap in the hot tub!

GROSS!

So not only is he telling you he is fine with his mate being crude and touching you but he wants you to be nice to the guy.
Will he get cross if you don't show John a 'good time' next?
Grind on his dick perhaps?
Suck him off?
Ya know. It's just what John's like
Why are you with him?

John is a disgusting idiot. Your partner should be on your side. My ex partners friend sexually assaulted me. I told my ex, but he didn't believe me. He said his friend would never do that. Well, I would never lie, so 🤷‍♀️. I'm older and wiser now. The beginning of the end of that relationship. Men who don't call out other men out in shitty behaviour are part of the problem..sorry your holiday is being ruined.

Sit you on his lap?
No flipping way!
Tell him you do not want, and will not tollerate, to be picked up or manhandled in any way, even touched.
He may be this way and aspergers/ autistic, so he does mot get it.
I will give it a go to the very clear, very direct approach.
Failing that, I would stay in the hotel room and go to activities on my own, away from the group.
I would not leave my partner on his own, at least I actually want to leave him for good.

Just read your last update.
Stay firm.
They will either respect you or bugger off!
No way I would be "nice".

Tell him, every single time, 'No. Stop touching me.' 'No. Do not try to pick me up.' 'I'm not going to sit on your lap, that's not appropriate.' Etc.

What does this creep's wife say to all this?

Oh, and as for your boyfriend, if he can't see how wrong this all is then perhaps rethink your relationship.
And screw it being 'awkward' and you being the villain. John is basically assaulting you and they are all OK about it. Who's the villain really?

I fucking hate the oh it's just what he's like mantra....no he's a creepy bastard and needs to be told.

Hi OP, I'm male and if this was one of my friends treating my partner like this he wouldn't be a friend any more.

If that's "Just John", then Johns a dick and your partner is a dick by association. If I were you I'd be seriously looking at whether you want to continue this relationship, because if your partner is Ok with Johns behaviour, then it's probably because he does it himself when you're not around.

Right so yet again the burden of men’s inappropriate behaviour is on the women - they should change their behaviour and make up stories rather than other men (especially the woman’s own partner) calling him out?!

Honestly Op, in your shoes I'd go home. You are probably going to spend the rest of the holiday seriously uncomfortable with John around and it honestly sounds like your relationship is dead in the water now - your boyfriend's attitude is a major red flag. How can you trust and respect him after this?

Cut your losses, go home and don't let either of these twats gaslight you.