To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

Your colleague has schedules and routines that change, different children on different days, and things that are outwith their control. Other adults responsible for the children whose, possibly conflicting ideas, can cause issues. Belongings in different places. They have dc who they have to help deal with having 2 homes, parents with new partners and the multitude of issues that come with that. They have step dc around regularly which is not the same as having your own, it is extra pressure, as you need to consider how their parents would want things done.

I would much rather be in your situation OP where you have a stable routine and control over all decisions for the 4 dc you chose to have. Sounds like a walk in the park in comparison.

I laughed when I read your post @brightyellowflower as I’ve got twins and I think the opposite to you 😂😂

I think in the first year or so having twins is harder. Trying to breastfeed two tiny babies every few hours, simultaneously support the necks of two babies who can’t sit up, wean two babies at once, the sleep deprivation of two newborns as they tag team…You can’t put two babies in a sling (which I was gutted about). It’s really, really hard having twins when they’re young babies - and like lots of other twin mums, it wasn’t something I deliberately chose. Also worth mentioning that I’m honestly in awe of mums who have triplets because at least I had an arm for each baby! I can’t imagine trying to care for three newborns at once 😳😂

But then I think at late toddler stage and beyond it’s probably easier having two of the same development point, rather than a toddler and a baby as I think it would be FAR harder to keep both happy!

So I think it’s swings and roundabouts. I think both situations are hard but they’re not really comparable as the challenges are so very different.

And I think this is relevant to the OP because no one should be playing top trumps with motherhood. OP might have it harder than her colleague in some ways but easier in others. Surely we can acknowledge each other as fellow parents without racing to compete?!

I also think it’s lovely that the colleague references her SDC as her children ( assuming that it’s genuine and not just a way of getting attention which does happen sadly). I’ve got a friend who utterly adores her SDC and without question considers them her children and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy every time she’s cheerleading for them. She celebrates their achievements just like any other mum, and it’s a wonderful example of how well some blended families can work. Lots of kudos too to the bio mum who has proactively encouraged the relationship. Women supporting each other for the best interests of the children - it’s just ❤️

YABU. I don't have four children and would never want to have - biological or otherwise. I don't understand what possesses people to inflict that upon themselves.

So on balance, I'd say it's best to keep the colleague close and appreciate how much you have in common. There might be even less understanding elsewhere.

I have two children of my own and two steps. They live with us all the time. I have definitely got four children and I do the work of a mum with four children. But you crack on. It's not a competition.

Well it depends.

Some blended families don't even know each other, others live together full time.

While I can see your point on why its irritating when you are a 'full time' parent and then someone who is 'part time' is complaining as if they don't have time off but to play devil advocate and flip it some might saying you going off to work instead of being with your kids all day is the same thing where you are taking a break from your parenting.

We all have different circumstances, it doesn't make you instantly better than her just as a SAHM isn't instantly better than you. It's not a competition.

They will still have to deal with room splits (more awkward with non bio kids) and fighting and 4 lots of homework and cooking large dinners and balancing 'fairness' and 'time' etc... just like you do.

New colleague - keen to connect, a bit nervous: doing anything at the weekend?
OP: I have 4 kids so weekends are a bit stressful with all the housework to catch up on and keeping them entertained
New colleague: I have 4 teens too, it's a lot isn't it. They fall out with each other a lot.
More conversation
New colleague: so we have my husbands kids with us 50% of the time.
OP SO YOU DONT HAVE 4 KIDS YOU LIER

OP is it because you now feel less special?

You’re almost as petty as the dropped kerb lady!

I can guarantee being a parent of 4 in a blended family is just as tricky as your traditional family in regards to being organised as essentially you are planning round two households. They both come with their positives and negatives as does every situation and it's silly to compare or get angry when the poor woman was only trying to make common ground and be nice to you!

YABu and this is an extremely unpleasant post.

@Skg452 people with four children can be biological or adoptive parents and yes even blended families. You could have 4 biological children and be separated/divorced and get every other weekend and a weekday away from your children, whereas a blended family may not have involvement with the original parent or they could have died, and those children may be in that person's care 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Yes, you mentioned in her situation the children see their other parent, but I'm sure they have many complexities you don't have to face because you aren't a blended family. That's why comparison doesn't help. Someone always has it harder/easier/trickier on any given day.

Honestly, this is your issue you are projecting from what sounds like hard things in your childhood. I'm sorry you had a hard time. Don't make this an issue with others, you don't know their full situation, no matter what they tell you when you first meet them...

p.s. I'm also a parent of four

I’m confused as to why you actually care? You had four kids because you wanted them not because you wanted to win at having the most difficult life.

Also it’s extremely rude to be calling people “part time” kids/ parents just because their family has diff practical arrangements to yours. You have no idea what you are talking about .

I'm not sure anyone is saying that their own domestic arrangements are exactly the same as yours. You seem very pedantic about it, why does it bother you so much?

Oh you’re getting quite the responses :-).
I do see what you mean. I guess she has it easy when none are there and you never get a break, but she probably can’t cope when all 4 are (especially as she won’t feel as confident disciplining her DSC) and that is what she is thinking about when she is talking to you.
Theres a reasonable gap between my first and second and for a few years I got really fed up of being told how easy it was having only one. This from people with two children, who had both sets of parents locally, siblings and even cousins to help out. I had no help. We all get triggered by someone.

You need to unclench. She's just given you a number and a summary rather than a detailed breakdown but at the end of the day she does have 4 children who she will be providing for and running her life around to a certain extent.
I never quite know what to say when people ask me. I have two living children I gave birth to, three children I gave birth to in total and a DSD too. During the week I'm a mother of two (I'm always a mother of three but on an operations level only two I need to worry about), weekends and holidays there are three of them to contend with.
At the end of the day there are 4 photos of newborns on my living room wall because that's the number of children in our family.
Just take the win to that you get to just say "4" without all the whataboutery.

If people ask us, and we’re together, we say 3 kids. If I’m on my own, I say 1. I don’t want to get into our personal business with strangers when we’re out together so it’s just easier 🤷‍♀️

What a fuss over nothing.

@Skg452 you're getting your arse handed to you on a plate, deservedly so!

I only have three kids, and they are all mine, so I'm probably not qualified to comment, but reading through a lot of threads here, step-parenting seems to be a hell of a lot harder than just bringing up your own kids.

YABVVVVVVVU

As a mum of 4 myself, I find having 4 of my own children much easier than I would having 2 of my own plus 2 stepchildren.

Having 4 children of your own is undoubtedly hard and exhausting because you have so much to think about emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. And you have the needs and well-being of your 4 children to think about because they are your kids and you love them. But when you have stepchildren you’re (IMO unreasonably) expected to do all of the above for them as well. Not my cup of tea and your friend is in a different situation to you you’re right because she’s expected do things for children who aren’t hers whereas you’re obviously not because they’re yours and you’re being a mum to your own. I’m glad I’m like you with your 4 children and not her with her 2 children plus 2 stepchildren.

I have 4 DC too. And yep, some are my step kids, who live with us full time. Have done since time immemorial.

I definitely have 4 kids OP…

Christ, stop gatekeeping. Just because you popped four kids out, that doesn't mean you get to tell other people how to think of/describe their own families.

Plus it’s not just about the kids either. With stepchildren in your life you often have shite to deal with from adults you obviously wouldn’t have to deal with if you just had 4 of your own.

My ‘step’ dad raised me since I was 1. My mum and stepdad went on to have four children together. Yet if people asked my dad how many children he had, he would say five including me. They became a joint partnership and I became part of his family. Step parents can’t win regardless what they say or do.

I get all 4 up and ready in the morning, do school and nursery drop off, go to work, do the food shop and meal planning for 4, make packed lunches, pick them up and take them home, feed them, bath them and put them to bed (not complaining about this, it's just life with 4 DC)

So what? That's just normal parenting. You don't get a fucking medal for it, and it doesn't make you superior to someone who has two biological kids and two stepkids. The number of kids you have really doesn't depend on how much work they generate; it simply depends on whether the kids exist. Just because you somehow think that 'I have four children' is a declaration of how much work you do, rather than just the actual number of kids in the family, that doesn't mean anyone else means it that way. They're literally just stating a fact that there are four children in the family. They're not trying to tell you they make as many packed lunches as you do, because normal people do not measure parenthood in sandwiches and do not actually give a second thought to how much time anyone spends food shopping or giving their children baths. This is very much your issue and nobody else's.

If you were a divorced parent and your kids spent half the week with you and half the week at their father's house, how would you feel if someone told you that you didn't really "have four kids" because you didn't have to make packed lunches for them every day?