To be annoyed that parents of blended families think they are in the same boat as me?

[Skg452]

Not the first time I've come across this but it really annoyed me yesterday.

New woman has started in work, pleasant enough, chatting yesterday and making small talk. I mentioned that I have 4DC she replied she also had 4DC and yes knew exactly how difficult it could be etc. after a few more minutes of chatting she then casually drops in that 2DC are hers and the other 2DC are her DP's

Ok so you don't have 4DC then.

I don't have anything against blended families (apart from the fact I grew up in one as a teenager and it wasn't particularly pleasant) but please don't say you have 4DC when you don't.

In my colleagues case her DC spent several nights at their dads and her DSC spent week about with their mum and dad. Completely different from myself who has 4 DC living with me full time.

I've come across this numerous times whilst out at farm parks and soft plays, apart from being regularly asked if all 4 are mine(!) I often get plenty people who like to chime in about how they also have a large family, but then it usually transpires that they are a blended family, lovely, but it's not the same so please don't say that it is.

I've met people like you op.

I have more than 4 dc (and I'm a single parent) but usually around the 4 kid mark certain types expect other to fawn all over them (as proven by your list of mundane daily tasks, done by every parent, ever).

"Oh my god you have 4 kids, how do you do it, aren't you super mum, and totally amazing"

You clearly didn't get the required attention so your nose is out of joint.

I'm a single parent though so I absolutely beat you in the who has it harder stakes anyways 🤣 sorry.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Everyone has hard times as a parent.

I have a friend who has 4 children (I have three)- who always has to have the harder time- and it feels like a competition and this post reminded me of her.

During lockdown she had twin babies that slept through the night, and a 4 year old, she didn't work and had family support. I worked full time and had a 5, 2 and 1 year old- obviously difficult ages. It was a hard time for everyone but more than once she said to me it's obviously more difficult for me and I really had to bite my tongue.

Everyone has challenges in parenting- having 4 children is hard, having small age gaps is hard, having big age gaps can be tricky, only children can be hard work because they get lonely- blended families seem to be particularly hard to navigate from all the posts on here.

I think you are being childish and petty.

Ok there will be some step/blended families where in practice it’s not like having four biological children. Like maybe the step children come on alternate/different days and the parents don’t often have care of all four together. I mean I might bristle at someone saying this if I knew two of the children only stayed over on alternate weekends or something and never with their step siblings.

But there will be others where to all intents and purposes it is the same and the challenges/ logistics/stresses are the same and it doesn’t matter that they weren’t all birthed by the same person! Like situations where both sets of children are with the couple a lot, 50/50 with overlapping days, or even where one or both is the only resident parent and they don’t or rarely see the other parent.

And at the end of the day does it matter? Life isn’t a competition as to who has it the hardest.

My DSC’s Mum got really upset when I met DH at the prospect of me being seen as DSC’s Mum. I was utterly flummoxed. I was a single, carefree woman with absolutely no intention of taking on the commitment of a child. I modelled my role as an aunty role, the same as I was to my nieces who I adored, but ultimately handed back.

Mum calmed down about it all and then started to lump me with dad with expectations that I should be available for last min childcare and collecting sick DSC from school (she put me down as an emergency contact without me even knowing!!).

Then met her DH and got DSC to call them Dad. To which my DH said that’s confusing, MrBanana isn’t called Mum so why is your OH now Dad.

From DHs POV it was quite upsetting as DSC was asking “who is my Dad”

I am fairly certain step DC are tougher than your own. Though I don't have any. The very idea makes me break out in a cold sweat.

I say I have 2 teenage sons when asked. One is biologically mine, the other is my partners (his wife died years ago).

I therefore have both boys full time and play the role of mum to both (I appreciate I can not ever replace my step-son's mum however I play that role).

Do you take issue with that OP?

Congratulations - you win your own made up oppression Olympics.

Yep.

She was just humoring you

Chillax

She was making polite chit chat.

Blended families sound really challenging in some ways tbh. It’s not a race to the bottom. It’s bloody hard being a parent and we should all have more empathy and understanding for each other

Its just conversation surely? My husband says he has 3 daughters if anyone asks, 1 is biological and 2 are stepchildren - he does however treat them all the same and doesn't feel the need to specify unless the conversation leads that way.

Have you ever been to Elevenerife, OP?

You're a muppet. She said 4 because she probably because she thinks of them as her own. Calm your tits.

Oh wow, rude much! My partner and I have 2 kids each, we were both widowed very young, which category would you put us into?! Honestly families come in all shapes and sizes, it isn’t a competition.

Yabu I have 4 of my own plus 2 step dc.
4 all of the time step dc every other week. I class them all as my children. If people ask I have 6. They would be with us all the time if they could. The weeks we have all of them are considerably harder. More people to feed more clubs more family admin overall.

But when I just have my 4 it's still hard.

It's not a competition all children are different they all have different needs.

She was mearly trying to find common ground.

It is the same and it is equally as hard in my experience having 4 to 6 and possibly harder as you get the added bullshit from the other parent thrown in.

Jesus. It’s not about you. It’s about making her stepkids feel loved. What is wrong with people.

Shes trying to find common ground with you. Normal conversational tool.

I have 4DC (yes, biologically mine...). Bet the challenges I face aren't exactly the same as yours though. My middle ones are twins. Does that mean I don't understand those with 4 singletons?

I have two biological DC and three SDC - having my own was way easier than having the SDC even if they weren't always full time! Whilst I appreciate your experience will be different, I think YABVU.

1. you chose to have 4 kids
2. its Fucking hard being a blended family. Kids not accepting you. The ex.

So because I only have to get 4 up one week and do all the above things...every other week when I have 6 means I can't moan or relate because I only have to do it every other week??

Sounds to me like you're a bit pissed off and resentful about your own life, which I get. But arguably in lots of ways, a blended family is far less easy to navigate than four of your own kids. So she has difficulties you don't have to experience. Same storm, different boats innit.

part time kids it doesn't work like that. You don't forget about them when they aren't with you

Right well what do you want the lady at work who was trying to find common ground to talk to you about to do about this?

She went hey I have 4 kids in my life too. She's probably got more understanding than someone who has no kids.

Was just about to say that.