How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

Thanks for all the genuinely good advice and insight here. I think without my slightly alternative hair and style my physical features are quite polarising - older women regularly say I’m beautiful but I’m quite round faced and chubby cheeked and maybe it’s the sort of pretty that was in fashion when they were younger?

im under no illusions though, I’m not a traffic stopper. A man fell off his bike when I was marching around once but I think that may have been my well cut dress

You answered your own question early in the thread. You make people feel so comfortable that they end up 'word vomiting'. They think you will take it.

Holding a space for people to speak freely is a valuable skill, fairly rare and precious. It should be stressed that, even as a therapist, this skill includes boundary maintenance. It doesn't mean setting yourself as so non-judgemental that anyone can spew their skankiest thoughts into your mental space. When I worked behind a bar, there were always some customers who thought this was part of the staff's job. You have to tell them to stop.

Even the loveliest of friends have their failings. If they spend much of their time being lovely, it might be quite a relief for them to be unlovely now and again. It sounds like they feel you're a safe space. I'm sure you are, but there are limits. Now your friends have identified you as able to 'take it', it's up to you to clarify that this is a limit.

If they really are friends, it should suffice to tell them once or twice that the comments are hurtful. Some groups of friends actually thrive on mutual insults, but you've said these friends don't do it to each other.

It still comes down to answering back. It's allowed, you know!

Surely “jealousy” wouldn’t be men’s motivation though, men are usually all over an attractive woman. Unless previously rejected of course.

It's impossible to know without a photo of you.

I wouldn’t be quick thinking enough to say this if it happened to me but in my fantasy I would say:

“The good thing about my looks is that it acts as a spam filter for shallow and superficial people. I don’t want to waste my time on such relationships. Ta-ra!”

When young and gorgeous, you get lots of appreciative looks and stares (at best), wolf whistles, comments, approaches, groping and (sometimes much) worse.

Becoming invisible - i.e. older and no longer on men’s radar, you are invisible to them. All of that dries up.

It was nice to get looks from attractive men. The rest of it - definitely not.

@TheMessiahIsMySister right so it's based off sexual attention. That's not invisible to me, that will be a relief!
But as it is, in my 40s it's more than ever. Sleazes everywhere

@TheMessiahIsMySister And if that stuff matters to you, don't men your age still look? Or do they stop it with the leering and random approaches as the testosterone drops? I hope so.

I see random older men and women chatting to each other all the time who don't know each other

I think it’s very unusual that you attract such comments. I have lots of friends and colleagues that I mix with and we go on nights out etc and I can’t imagine anyone receiving such comments, whatever their size or look.

The only thing it could be which a few pps have said is as you say you are stylish with short blonde hair, maybe you stand out and if you act confident as well, people like to bring you down? like, who do you think you are kind of thing? If they are a nasty person of course. I’m not sure, especially as you say you have experienced it all your life.

I have some awful health issues so am scrawny and look old for my age. I've heard people discussing my age right next to me then laughing about the fact I'm younger than they all thought.

I think it helps to prepare in your mind a calm mature response to any comments about your appearance and call people out on it. I came away from the above saying nothing as I was in shock but really wished I had prepared responses to show people how incredibly immature and unnecessary their comments are.

12-14 is a fantastic size. But either way it's rude to comment without invite. People are just idiots sometimes

What on earth have they been saying that's had so many posts deleted?

I have a physical disability, and people can often be nasty about my appearance.

It's worse if I clash with someone, especially in the workplace, and it does happen as I am more senior to some colleagues. They will use my disability to insult me, as if as a way of getting back at me. I've just kind of come to accept it now, and try to avoid clashes and voicing problems if I possibly can.

I also consider it a form of bullying and discrimination, but it can be done sometimes in quite a subtle way, so hard to prove.

@Frances0911

You need to write down in a diary or journal of all incidences of bullying even if they seem subtle ect at workplace,

that company you work for on shaky grounds with Disabilities discrimination at workplace..

You can get in touch with charities or organisation dealing with workplace issues like this

Also disabilities rights advocate be beneficial

Someone further down on this thread can give further advice on disabilities rights ect..

I am disabled myself with Athritis OestoAthritis and Rumertoid athritis and i can't stand the thought that you have to put up with this kind of shit from Arseholes like that at work,

Sorry 😞 you are having to contend with this sort of thing..
It's hard enough dealing with being disabled whether temporary or long term ect..

It's still a shock to me sometimes to hear and witness how vile people can be. I go so over the top with my son regarding any comments on people and their appearance and personal life choices. It's my ambition to raise a kind person because things like this are just hideous to me. Hope you have loving supportive people around you.

How rude those people are! You're better than that,never worry. We all have different bodies and should celebrate that.

This!

You won't ever stop random strangers from making inappropriate comments, but you can let acquaintances and colleagues know that you find their comments inappropriate.

Yes Covid has made people more entitled rude and aggressive 😤

I’ve found that different parts of the country are more or less judgmental. If I were you I would move to a more progressive area where people don’t care about such things.

This is outrageous that people are saying these things to you. 😟

It's honestly none of their business butc12-14 isn't even fat.

Most people don't go through life being judged on their looks. I hope you don't feel it's that important because honestly it's not. Xxx

I tell my DC, "It's rude to comment on other people's personal appearances".

It is to be hoped that most people reach adulthood with a cursory grasp of the most basic of manners, but if they haven't, I suppose the only course of action is to point this out to them.

I've had lots of nasty comments. The op isn't alone. Some people are shites

Your post is odd. People wouldn't say you were weird looking out of the blue. Feels like you aren't telling us something.

I have had rude work colleagues comment on my appearance with no provocation. And I'm not alternative and they were not stunners.

Why would I not tell you something? The reason that I’m posting is because it IS odd. Feel free to be suspicious of my motives tho stranger on the internet

I tend to find that 'and you're no oil painting yourself' is quite a good response.