How do I get people to stop making unsolicited comments on how I look

[Beepbeep18]

Recently I posted about an encounter with the guy I’d been seeing for about six weeks where he felt the need to tell me he didn’t find me that physically attractive and I had to physically tell him to leave because I felt physically sick I’d let him sleep with me.

a week ago, I made friends with a woman at a night I do, we went out for drinks and she told me I needed to “own my fatness and plus size identity”. I’m a size 12-14, yes, slightly overweight. There’s nothing wrong with being plus size and owning it but I’d never make claim to that because I don’t have the same experience. I also feel it’s such a personal thing to comment on.

I’ve been called ugly in a bar recently, had almost pitying laughs from a colleague about “what I look like in person” and someone I work with in a professional context said I was weird looking.

I genuinely don’t know what’s wrong with me! Parred back to my physical form of bone structure etc I’m fine and I have a good sense of style etc - can anyone tell me why people keep making these comments? It’s happened on and off all my life.

the recent ones have started to make me really dislike looking in a mirror or going out and being around new groups of people so I’ve booked some therapy to work through this as I don’t want it to become a problem. My friends think some of it happens because people end up feeling comfortable around me and almost word vomiting some of it out (this would make sense in a way from my skill set from my profession)

but seriously has anyone else ever known of this and how do I make it stop?!

I agree with this.

i think it’s your confidence causing this. People feel threatened by confident women and look for ways to bring them back down to earth.

i also think that people think you are only allowed to be confident if you’re ‘perfect’…that’s their own issues.

you describe yourself as being average looking ( taking this from your description) , and you’re an average size ( below average actually) - people are openly questioning why you are so confident.

even though you sound like you’re physically attractive- it’s not enough for some people.

but as you point out, you are funny, outgoing, good company.

basically just ignore it. You can’t change other people’s issues.

I've been a size 14-16 all my life.

At size 14 I had absolutely no fat on my body at all. I was 9st 10. I have broad hips and my boobs never went below a DD.

I'm not pretty at all, but scrub up ok.

I have NEVER had anyone make an unsolicited comment about my looks. Ever.

I think it must be about the people in your life; they are not very nice.

In your OP you said you made friends with someone who then went on to say you needed to 'own your fatness'.

A stranger called you ugly? Like a catcall, or standing at the bar? I'm trying to visualise the situation. Catcalls are horrible and made by idiots, but we all know are not to be taken to heart (in the same way such a comment from a friend would be).

Oh my god, I'm not defending it, but could it potentially cause someone to make harmful comments about someone's appearance? Yes

I mean, maybe, but the filter thing doesnt explain the other comments does it? Some people are just arseholes, I don't know why it has to be something OP is doing- there are plenty of dickheads out there. I worked in retail as a student and experienced plenty of rude comments, none of them justified- people were just being dicks

@Gstaad
12-14 is not big in the UK.
18 is where plus size starts. Most women now fall into this category.

Do you carry yourself with confidence…..nasty people seek out weak looking people who they think won’t say anything back to them, they rarely pick on confident looking people

Yes it’s really weird how women who ‘appear’ to be lesbians can be triggering for some men - as in very short hair, alternative fashion - stereotypes obv. But to these men it’s almost like giving them 2 fingers bc these women are unavailable to them, which is an insult, are shirking the misogynistic ideal of how women should present themselves, which is threatening, and are confident in their own right, which is offensive. TO THEM.

Also the PP who mentioned if you’re overtly funny and use it in group situations, I agree, ppl may feel you can take it, may even equate you with some well-known female stand-ups who joke about their weight a lot and are alternative themselves - in that regard you may even discern a hidden compliment as they are likening you to them, altho obviously still completely out of order.

Op I'm a size 14-16 UK size and I've very rarely had any comments about my size as round here it's pretty average.

With regards to strangers saying you are ugly... I think that's really weird. Did anything happen to provoke that? Did you accidentally give them a dirty look? Push in in a queue?
Or perhaps I don't mean this unkindly but do you smile a lot or is your resting face not smiling? I feel that sometimes people are a little unlucky in that they appear to be frowning when they are perfectly happy and so unless you know them you think they are grumpy! I always give people benefit of the doubt until I speak to them. Could it be they think you don't like them and so are on the defence (not that it excuses the nasty behaviours you've experienced).

You also mentioned that you have good sense of humour so are people joking with you?

What people say, is never a reflection on you, but a reflection on them. I have experienced similar, I try to think about the person and their motive - then disregard their unkind remarks.

For e.g. we are friends with a lovely neighbouring family that have just emigrated from Nigeria. The mum said she thought I was older than my (7-year-older) sister because I was “bigger”. I laughed and disregarded the comment because it’s a cultural difference (in Nigeria, weight is matter of fact and talking about it isn’t offensive) and there was no malice. If that same comment had come from a ‘friend’ of the same culture I would likely have said something (along the lines of ‘who needs enemies when they’ve got friends like you’ or sarcastically ‘that’s very kind of you!’) that would hopefully make them think, then I’d also disregard their comment thinking “wow aren’t they mean/insecure/jealous/tactless/etc”😅

There is nothing wrong with you, hopefully you are surrounded by much nicer people soon

The thing is, it most likely isn’t something that’s ‘wrong’ with you; it’s projection on the part of whoever is making these comments.

Tricky part is, what’s causing this projection could be different for each person who’s making these comments so it likely won’t just be one thing (which isn’t in your control anyway). You say that you speak with authority and knowledge on things and perhaps this is intimidating to some and therefore they feel threatened and try to project their insecurities onto you. One of the most insidious human behaviours.

I think the only things you can really do are to not take their comments on board. This is a hard skill to learn and takes massive practice, as it does for all of us and I don’t think anyone really masters not letting other’s opinions in totally, but you can teach yourself that they are background noise. Secondly, keep acknowledging these comments for what they are to the people making them - they’re unwanted and rude. My fave line would be something like a previous poster said - ‘who taught you that it’s OK to make personal comments like that?’. Not aggressive and will likely make the person think.

so I don’t use filters etc: I fundamentally don’t believe in them, I don’t have the type of face where it would be realistically enhanced by them and I don’t get validation from people saying I look nice when it’s fake.

my hair: extremely short and extremely blonde

the comments: it’s not from people in my circle, it’s usually strangers or aquantances (apart from the date one which was quite extreme) and no, I hadn’t catfished him, he’d seen me filter free and in all lights of day before this comment

no one - no matter size shape creed colour identity - deserves to feel like the way they look is public property and can just be commentated on. But my issue is what is it about me that makes people do it when my peers do not get it? If we were all getting it I could understand, put it down to weirdos on nights out etc. but it’s consistently me

I think because your hair is "extremely short and extremely blonde".

As someone who is plus sized and has been for some time (size 24 currently)

A cold stare and a flat "Do you realise how rude you just were?" often shuts them up.

If it doesn't, then they'll either double down, or try and make excuses, so i keep "I was always taught it wasn't polite to comment on other peoples appearance, clearly that lesson passed you by" followed by my leaving the vicinity as back up.

are you quite alternative in terms of style OP? IME for whatever reason some people find it easy/ok to be more judgemental and consequently cruel with their commentary on those in the alternative community

I think it’s bc in your group you may stand out the most, as the most unconventional, which as I said before, a lot of ppl are uncomfortable with for whatever reason. You have to judge the recipient as to the put down you give them - saying something scathing to someone you’re familiar with is different to confronting a man you don’t know who might turn aggressive, in which case it’s usually best to ignore, depending on the situation. But for ppl who are not at all likely to get aggressive, I think you really should fight fire with fire to highlight it’s not actually funny to be on the receiving end.

Or do the blank stare, the “sorry, what?” “Is it my turn to return the compliment now? Right, let’s see what I can come up with then. Are you aware your hair is thinning/receding? You have facial hair (if a woman), You smell slightly…?” etc. you can judge the level if you want to go there but maybe a warning shot of ‘ppl in glass houses etc’ before releasing both barrels.

It’s amazing ppl don’t think it can blow back on them and they’re beyond all judgment, they really are thick/delusional.

I am a size 12-14 with a BMI of 21 which puts me in the middle of the healthy weight range.

Perhaps some people's perceptions are skewed by filters and Instagram.

You do not deserve the comments and you're absolutely right to call them out. Stopping them is difficult because you don't know they're going to say it before they've said it.

I wonder if part of it links to you saying that you can be very funny? Funny is wonderful and brilliant and likeable, but there's a pretty grim kind of competitiveness it brings out in some men. Obviously that is ugly and hurtful and shouldn't be your problem at all, but if you are really trying to work out why this seems to happen disproportionately to you, I imagine it is because of something you would think of as genuinely great about you.

I found that when I had begun to visibly age I was on the receiving end of some hurtful comments about my shape, my hair and my skin. It was as i that as well as being invisible other than to be an object of derision, I had also become unfeeling. Aside from the occasional comment about how I looked I had some weird remarks from the practice nurse at a couple of check ups. I mentioned about considering moving house and she suggested I consider warden aided accommodation! I was still working and was only having a blood pressure check! A discussion on exercise where I mentioned that I liked to dance had her recommending I take up tea dancing, again I had to point out that I was in full time work. It is as if someone sees an "older person" and just tunes into stereotypes, "oh look an oldie, they will like doing a waltz in a community centre" when in fact my generation was out at clubs and gigs. Same thing about appearance , we are seen as being a little less than human, doubly so if we are female as being a woman and no longer being considered attractive is some sort of minor crime. People can be awful, I try not to take any notice

I can barely believe people could be so blunt and rude. I would not expect any comments from colleagues about my size or appearance. Except maybe if a female colleague said they liked my outfit or bag or something.
I've had one girl claiming people all comment on my size behind my back, but I took it that she was a bullshitting bitch. Why would she feel the need to tell me that? To make me feel shite. So yeah, some people are just awful.
Just tell them it's rude and disrespect to talk like that about anyone and you will not accept it. It could be classed as workplace bullying.

I was going to ask this too. Not everyone likes alternative style.

Also , if you are wearing really tight or really baggy clothing might give the impression you are overweight.

Not that any of those things justify commenting on someone's appearance.

I don't get it either. I've been skinny all the way to 20 stone and never had any comments, never been called fat (to my face or in earshot)
I'm gonna assume you come across confidently and miserable people want to tear that down.
People are really shit sometimes

I have enjoyed becoming completely invisible as I have aged.
You must be quite lovely to garner such regular comments.

I was thinking something along these lines. For people to think have some right to comment on someone in a negative way often stems from some kind of jealousy. Maybe you appear very confident or are looking good and subconsciously they want to bring you down a bit so they feel less inferior.

Stopping it happening is harder. Please always call them out on it as you may then only stop the one person from doing it but that is worth it. Loads of good suggestions on here and mine are "Why do you think it is acceptable for you to be making spiteful personal digs at people?", "Wow, that comment is right up there with fat shaming; the sort of thing that can trigger eating disorders in others. What an appalling thing to say to someone!"

Another suggestion is to work on your "resting bitch face" so that they'll think twice before even trying this with you. This gets easier with age as you start to ask yourself why you are being polite when others aren't. A strong posture with the the "face" gives off a vibe that you aren't to be messed with.

I also recommend staring them out. This may need practice but the more you maintain the eye contact while calling them out, the better it works.

Can you explain the invisibility thing to me please, I don't get it? I feel I get more visible as I get older, more talk to me etc. and I spend more time talking to older people now. They are very visible in society, more a part of the community. It's the younger ones who stick to their own age groups in their own world.

Eg when I was 30 and younger barely anyone spoke to me, now all kinds of people make conversation with me and I see it with everyone else.