These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

I’m not saying he isn’t I’m saying she’s in the wrong snooping on his phone and refuses to see this

That would be because shes not wrong.

Ok. Great argument 🙄

Im not arguing?
Shes not wrong. There is no argument.

Is there any update? How much debt has your husband gotten you into while trying to keep up with his mates? Lying is a deal breaker for me, theres no need to lie to your partner, you should be able to trust your partner with finances but your were lazy with keeping an eye on it. Your husband knows your stuck with him for the forseeable, you need to grow a back bone, confront him and curb the unnessary spending, cut up the credit cards. He's spending family money on himself, he's literally taking the food from ur kids mouths. The looking through the phone is a mute point as you're both happy to use each others phones with no issue.

All the posters giving OP a hard time looking at his phone... if its such a big issue, u have something to hide, I'm sorry and the fallout will be the fallout of that. U must be very secretive. I couldn't give 2 hoots at my OH looking at my phone he can do so at his leisure as I've nothing to hide. If I did though I'd be fuming.... so... ask yourself why its such a big issue for you ? Its got nothing to do with privacy and everything to do with trust and a partnership

An even better one is that she wasn’t snooping. She’s already said they are open about each others’ phones. She was looking for something and found evidence he was planning to start a business she knew nothing about. I’d say that was the bigger issue here.

You clearly have more spare money than you think if he's spending so much on a hobby and setting up a business that needs investment. He has a stash of cash you don't know about....

Probably when it goes tits up and they’re homeless.

Two credit cards according to OP.

I haven't RTFT - just your replies to other's posts.
MN never fails to puzzle me, how an innocent post can be turned around to make the OP's look like monsters..
All I'll say is that your DH is being reckless & extremely disrespectful to you. I do hope you can work things out.

I must admit, I do not always tell DH about money. I am not a spendthrift but he talks about me as if I am.
I wonder if his parents were miserly and controlling and your language is reminiscent.
Is he simply fed up with being careful about money?
Is he unfairly thinking, despite sharing the budget, that he has more right to spend? Many men still do
Is he in the wrong crowd,with chauvinist men who think its OK to control "their" money?
Have a calm talk about your debts, how it is keeping you awake nights worrying, how you know that he is doing his best (nice guilt trip works wonders) and what you can both do to put you on a better, safer footing - you don't need to tell him about what you found to have that conversation.

You have to leave this person.
It will never get better, be resolved, move on now!

I’d be really hurt and worried if my husband was making life plans without me.

As for snooping, lies and receipt kind of trumps that. I found out that my ex was having an affair when I was using his phone with my daughter to do some homework. A message popped up that I was definitely not going to ignore. When I brought it up, his entire focus was on ‘how dare you snoop what kind of a person are you!’ and he successfully kept using that line to avoid taking any responsibility for the affair. I’m glad I snooped because otherwise I’d still be married to the liar.

She has already said that they have an open phone policy in their marriage. He literally had hers all fucking day.

Haven't read all the comments. Starting a business and not speaking to you about it is pretty shocking and inexcusable. I just wanted to say that it is quiet common in the bike world to lie about how much a bike/ parts etc cost. I used to share an office with someone mad about bikes. He would often say that the lads would joke about how their wife/partner had no clue of the actual cost. He once showed me his dream bike frame for 10k this did not include the wheels or saddle! A lot get tshirts printed saying something along the lines of when i die I just hope my wife doesn't sell my bike for what I told her I paid for it. There appears to be even bragging rights. Obsessed doesnt even cover it.

Good luck OP. You are on the right track. Find out as much as you can before confronting him. Make sure you take photos, take copies and keep records.

Once you open that box, unless he has a good explanation, he will start to cover up his tracks and possibly his phone too. Ignore those posters who are like a dog with a bone about phone privacy, completely missing the wood for the trees.

You are not catastrophising. These lies by omission are a big deal. You have good instincts here. I admire your calm and clear headedness. You will get to the bottom of this and if he minimises or lies, then it is decision time.

Interesting that your DH has fallen asleep on the sofa whilst you are still sorting the dcs out. Is he disengaged with family life?

Interesting that your DH has fallen asleep on the sofa whilst you are still sorting the dcs out. Is he disengaged with family life?

Quite. Poor chap is probably exhausted after taking is super-bike for a prolonged spin after dinner...

He is the sort of person that will lie if he anticipates the answer will be ‘no’ or get a negative response. Utterly immature, selfish and with no regard for the other person. Means your opinion or what is best for the family is not as important as him getting what he wants. This is bad as it is but in my mind could be easily translatable to ‘not telling you about this female friend cos he knows you won’t like it’ or ‘will hide the fact he’s racked up huge debts rather than share his fuck up, risking the house/your futures’ because he doesn’t fancy ‘getting it in the ear’. Very gross mindset with the potential to be even more devastating.

Sorry OP, i'm just here to say i clicked 'yabu' by mistake!
Hope things work out for you.

It’s a big deal imo

OK so I'm a bit confused. If you both openely use/look at each other's phones how did he think you were not going to see these things or stumble across them?

I agree with this bit. If I wake in the night and can't sleep I look up all sorts of stuff, like you I could be looking at fancy houses, new cars, jobs etc with no real intention of getting/having any. Just dreaming

I’m sorry to hear your husband habitually lies OP. I’m also sorry he queries your paying too much for clothes at a charity shop whilst he secretly (over) indulges himself. More than that though I am sorry he refuses to solo care for his own autistic child to the point where you can’t work full time. You talk about courses to better your work prospects but realistically how will this work if he will not do any school runs, housework or solo child care? How will you ever work full time under these conditions, never mind if he decides to work unpredictable hours all over the Country? These are also big questions OP, especially when he has a huge problem with the truth. Why lie about having you added to a WhatsApp group for instance? Yet again you are the wife and mother putting ALL of your salary into the joint pot whilst he does not. I also imagine there must be many hours of the weekend where he disengages from family life off riding bikes with his mates whilst you are the sole carer. As he won’t reciprocate solo care clearly you don’t get time off to pursue your hobbies
I think you need to get retrained as a priority and this would be my initial non negotiable discussion. Get this agreed and prioritised before he can drop the work bombshell and in the meantime get right to the bottom of mortgage and credit checks etc. Only then would I broach the work issue. Put yourself first, your husband certainly does the same for himself.