These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

@Yahyahyahyoyo I think he’s cheeky questioning you about your charity shop
spends while being creative about what he has spent, especially as money is tight i.e. nothing available for extra. I think you could say ‘when I was checking you’d added me to the group - which, by the way, I now realise you haven’t, a message popped up about xyz. What’s going on/why haven’t you discussed?’

I don’t think it is, if your gut is telling you something is off, then I would look. And I would expect my spouse would check mine if I was acting suspicious. When one partner is over spending when one is going with out, then it’s an unfair balance and OP had every right to know!

An alternative way to present the circumstances to him is that money is low and as a family you need more.
The obvious way to do that is for you to work more and focus on career- which means he will have to carry more of the childcare and home weight. Would this work for you both?

Any update, op?

No. The obvious way to present the circumstances is to ask him why he’s secretly setting up a business that will potentially have a huge effect on OP and their children if he intends to leave his job - not to mention the risks involved. And to ask why he lies about his expensive hobby spending. And also to ask for the details of his spending on credit cards - because you can bet your bippy that’s where the spending is being hidden. In which case he’s racking up debt which affects OP as they’re financially linked.

Do you think the OP should work more so she can help fund his lifestyle ? The notion that a man who acts unilaterally in this way will step up and take on more home responsibility to allow OP to concentrate on her career, is laughable. Especially when you consider that the new business he’s planning would entail long hours and travel all over the country. OP has a right to know what he’s planning and the true state of their finances because it has potential implications for her, so people really should stop blaming her for his deceit.

Perhaps she’s refusing to see it as wrong because it isn’t. OP has already said, she and DH don’t have any issues with accessing each others’ phones. She wasn’t snooping either - she was accessing it to look for something specific and in the process found evidence he was setting up a business without her knowledge.

Do you also research business storage facilities, have a logo designed and set up business pages on Google ? Because that’s what he’s doing. Bit more than dreaming l’d say. And as for the inference that OP may not recognise it as just dreaming because she’s autistic !! It’s another level of victim blaming.

Yes, like she’s said to view calendars photos etc, no confirmation that they each have permission to read each other’s messages to other people. And no update as to his response when she told him? Me and my OH look at photos on each others phone, he asks me to sort any emails he’s not sure if (not his strongpoint) but I would never dream of going into his texts or be ok reading mine. Not that I have anything to hide or think he does, but either of us may be having a sensitive conversation with one of our friends that is personal/private to them. Or do you just air your friends issues and personal worries to your partner?? It’s not just an invasion of privacy on mine or OH side, it’s also about the person you’re talking with

And principles go out of the window when you’re looking for something specific and a message pops up clearly discussing business plans which you know nothing about. Are you seriously suggesting that OP ignore something that has potentially serious consequences for herself and her children ? Do you think simply asking him about it would help her when you consider he has form for lying ? In her situation most people would follow the trail, gather the evidence and then confront. If you don’t, then you can’t whinge when the shit hits the fan and you wish you’d acted on your suspicions.

Not that I have anything to hide or think he does

And that’s the difference. OP has actually seen a message confirming he’s hiding something major from her. She’s protected herself by digging for further evidence before she confronts him. MN calls it ‘getting your ducks in a row’. Telling a woman who is potentially being implicated in a business venture without her knowledge that she is wrong for doing whatever she can to protect herself and her children is unconscionable. His ‘right to privacy’ went out of the window the second that message popped up and let the cat out of the bag.

Where did I say ignore? She had the evidence in that one message but continued to go through all his others. If this was a man going through a woman’s texts it would be deemed differently

No. It would be deemed as making sure you have your facts straight and as much evidence to hand as possible before you confront someone who has form for lying. You can dismiss a text message as having being misunderstood - as evidenced by a pp suggesting OP had got hold of the wrong end of the stick because she’s autistic !

I’m sorry but just because she’d seen something “pop up on a message” 🙄 doesn’t give you the right to go through all messages and everything else she may want to. MN may call it getting your ducks in a row but in the real world it is illegal. If he’s said “yes love, read all my messages” then it’s different but having access to calendars and photos is different to scrolling through peoples conversations. Of course I don’t agree with what he’s done but can’t with what she has done either

If DH has no issue with you looking at his phone, why did you describe it as "snooping" in your OP? And if you are able to regularly check his phone, he's not really keeping secrets because you have access to everything. He maybe didn't tell you as he assumed you already knew - you have access to his phone, the bank accounts, and his social media. Hardly stealth to put posts on socmed that your wife can openly see...

I agree, I look at totally random stuff on the internet, sometimes sparked by something I’ve just seen on tv (or read on here).

However, as pp said, it’s gone beyond that. His colleague asked how his plans are going for a start. Why does his colleague know about his plans, and not his wife?! That’s the crux of the matter.

Christ, this is a stretch. She described it as snooping in her OP because she clearly knew MN would view it as such. And she was right. If you think it’s OK for him to not mention to his partner something as major as leaving his job to start a business, because it’s all there on his phone for her to see if she wants, then you’ve introduced a new level of batshittery to MN. Well done.

In what world do you think it’s illegal - she had his permission to access the phone. She’s said neither partner has a problem with it and they access each others’ devices routinely.

He didn’t just “not tell her” he lied about things when she asked.

Yup, you've got to wonder why, with all her questioning about every. single. little. thing, he feels it's necessary to lie to her... he's got a good job and earns a decent wage, but can't buy anything without feeling the need to either justify it or lie about it. I think the fact that he feels he can't be honest with his wife, but he can share important stuff with friends, would be the big issue here.

OP says she never makes a fuss about finances, but questions him on everything he buys. She doesn't keep track of the finances, so we must assume that he does and the bills appear to be getting paid, so not sure why such an issue that he also has hobbies and aspirations.

I completely get the bit about him not discussing the possible business venture as I went through something similar with DH many years ago. He was scoping it all out before he told me about it, because he knew I'd be negative (giving up a good job, good money, good prospects) and in the end he realised it wasn't a realistic proposal largely for those reasons and dropped it anyway. Perhaps OP's DH is feeling overwhelmed and wants to explore his options - if OP was suggesting planning her own business we'd all be applauding.

"All her questioning"? Where do you get that from? Doesn't sound anything out of the ordinary for people with shared finances. Bit on the low side I would have said.

The reason for his lying would more reasonable be explained by him holding her to a totally different standard with the concern over her spending on clothes at second hand stores.

In the real world love IT IS ILLEGAL google it! Accessing someone’s phone and reading through their messages are two different things what part of that is difficult for you to understand?? Then why hasn’t OP updated? Probably because husband is pissed she’s nosed through private messages!

“He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.”

My heart goes out to you. It must be very dispiriting to discover what he's up to - especially as it sounds thoughtless, selfish and ill-judged -- speaking as someone who has run a few businesses.

Honest to god if someone posted on mumsnet that they had had a snoop through their husbands phone and found he’s being having an affair with a mutual friend for years, also sees prostitutes weekly when he says he’s at the gym to do bdsm stuff, contracted an std through them that he hasn’t told you about, oh and he’s a serial killer preying on the towns nearby, we have children what do I do?? There would be 50 posts saying you shouldn’t have looked in his phone.