These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

I think the people questioning why OP's husband feels he has to lie to her and suggesting perhaps the problem is that OP is over-zealous about monitoring spending etc. are a bit out of line in this instance. I totally get that viewpoint, and in other circumstances it could be worth looking at it like that, but OP's husband has started a business completely in secret! Not only does that involve the huge financial investment and risk, but from what OP's said, involves travelling and being available to work at all hours. This is a huge lifestyle change.

OP, I hope the big talk goes well. You're completely within reason to be shocked, worried and concerned. If it was just the spending on expensive hobby items, that would be one thing. But what he's done with the business will change both of your lives hugely.

Leave him. He is not your 'partner'. It will only get worse.

If you don’t have spare money and have joint finances. Why haven’t you seen this spending? Sounds like he’s hiding money or income to me.

He is in more debt than you know or realize right now. I can almost guarantee it. Why or how, that I do not know. Only you both can figure that out. Some people spend money like water. And pretend like they don't. And will deny up and down that they are the ones doing it, even when you show them the bank statements and credit card statements and atm withdrawals that both of you had made. They will still swear up and down that they didn't. Or they will bring out the old favorite "I made the money; I should get to spend it!" Yeah, no. Not if you have to put groceries on a credit card to spend that money. not if you can't change the oil on your car or pay your house taxes because you are spending like crazy.
so, whoever that is the in relationship probably has a bunch of hidden debt or are forcing the household into debt.

I found put my OH had bought a hobby item for £500 after chastising me for paying £70 for our kids shoes.............Lets just say it wasnt in the same condition when he next used it!!
Little lies lead to big lies, and if its just expenditure what else ???
Discuss, and do not let how you found out become the bigger issue.

Another thought is that "starting a business" is a pretty good way to hide joint finances as business finances when someone is getting ready to run off. don't know if that works in the UK, but it can be hard to untangle in the USA.

A bit late the the party, but not here to judge you for looking.

Regarding the business, please check if your home has been put up as security for any business loans etc. I like to think things will work out, but you need to be prepared for otherwise.

OP I feel for you as it’s not a great position to be in. How will you tell him you found it? If you confess to looking at his phone, this could cause a row. Is there any way you can say you came across it on social media?
His lies about money are serious and need addressing. Cycling is an expensive hobby and yes he is entitled to have a hobby but if he’s lying about how much it costs then HE KNOWS he’s spending too much on it.
Good luck OP x

Sounds like trust is the key issue. Tell him you feel betrayed by lies, gaslighting and going behind your back, and that for your marriage to survive you need couples therapy. Plus see a financial advisor who can explain to both of you how to responsibly manage finances.

I can't believe how much blaming of the victim is going on here.

OP - I'm really sorry you're in this position. There's nothing worse than being lied to. It would be the end of the line for me, unless he was prepared to go into proper counselling and do the work to rebuild trust.

If he doesn't agree to that, I would get your ducks in a row - it will take a while, but in the meantime, why not start putting your income into your personal account, and working out with him what is a fair proportion of the bills you should pay in (ie proportional to your respective incomes)? And if I were to add one more piece of advice, it would be: don't take responsibility for his cycling needs!

I wish you all the best 💐

You need to speak to him. But before you do you need to check everything possible so you have all the actual facts to hand. Do a credit check. Check the mortgage is as it should be, check land registry is as it should be. Check joint accounts are as they should be. The credit check will show up any other mysterious accounts and balances. As you are fnancially associated it will show up both I believe. Once you know everything then time for some honesty from him. Give him the chance to be honest, but if he isnt honest present him with the facts. Be calm and dont attack him. If you suspect he will gaslight you then record the discussion so he cannot deny what he said. If you are worried then get a trusted friend to be there with you. Good luck !

Wait it out. He has to tell you at some point.

Have you found out any more?

It sounds like he has a history of reckless spending and lying about money. Without wanting to sound dramatic, this would suggest a long-term mental health issue. There are various conditions (certain personality disorders for example) that can cause this kind of behaviour so maybe you should do some research into that before you decide how to tackle it. He needs help but will probably be extremely resistant to it and will deny that he has a problem so you need to approach it carefully in order not to make things worse. If he goes on the defensive and thinks you’re interfering (remember that IF he does have a mental health problem then he’s probably in complete denial about it) then he’s even more likely to hide things from you for fear of what he sees as criticism. Good luck, I hope you manage to work through this.

So did you confront him about the business? I’m so intrigued and want to know what it is?

He sounds selfish tbh. He wants to spend what he likes but curbs yours.
He want’s the latest because his friend has it . What age is he ?
He has a family and he should have the respect to consult with you . I can’t believe he is setting up a business and hasn’t told you . Everyone else all over the internet can know but not the women who he shares a bed with . I wouldn’t be happy.

I would also check Experian or something similar . Ha she got a business start up loan possibly for all those new outgoings.

Maybe he DOES have spare money. My DH acts like we are skint all of the time. I found out he's squirreled away around 25k on top of the cash in our joint savings account that I am aware of. He knew I'd rather go on holiday etc than keep that much extra stashed. This kind of thing happens when you have different priorities than your partner. I don't think it was fair of my DH to keep that money hidden and I don't think yours should be spending money and leaving you and your children feeling like you have no spare money for anything. The other reason I can think of for lying is that he may have used credit to purchase these items. I had an ex that did things like that.

Because if money is tight, him spending big money on unnecessary treats for himself could mean there's nothing left for his wife and children to have nice things, even much cheaper nice things. if money is really tight, it could even lead to bills going unpaid, not being able to pay for repairs on the car, etc.

I have to marvel at the level of privilege some people must have always lived in for them to not think £2,500 is a big deal, and to not understand that to a lot of people, money is a finite and scarce resource that has to be planned very carefully, out of necessity, and not just being tight for the sake of it.

I think some men have definitely infiltrated this group.

I agree with this. OP is saying they have NO spare money. What would happen if they had an urgent unexpected expense come up? Oh that 2.5 k we really need right now. I bought myself a bike that I didn't need with that... That's actually really irresponsible behaviour. If OPs DH wanted to live a life like that he should not have had children. He has them now, it's time to put his silly wants aside.

Oh my god can you not know the difference between looking at photos and a calendar on each others phones, along with replying to a mutual group message, than actually going into messages of a discussion with another person which you are not part of?! Invasion of privacy that is called. And it’s wrong and stalkerish. Of course he shouldn’t be lying about finances but you need to get off your moral high horse when you’re having a good dig into his private messages, I would be furious. And no, I have nothing to hide but it’s the principle

Ah so you haven’t actually admitted you snooped or are going to honestly update about what happened if and when you do? Ok….. 🙄

This.

Your morals are right OP.

Ignore the men’s rights activists and the handmaidens who will justify anything done by a man.

you can’t trust your husband and you need to get your ducks in a row. this isn’t going to end well.

Nah youre talking shite
Hes a cunt.

My first husband was like yours. We have been divorced for 20 years and I am still learning about things he did when we were married that he lied about or I never knew anything about and it still hurts and/or makes me angry. It is difficult when there are children involved, but are you sure you want to remain married to someone you will never be able to trust? Men who behave like this have no respect for their spouse.