These aren’t little secrets that I’ve discovered DH is keeping.

[Yahyahyahyoyo]

I snooped on DHs phone. In my defence, I looked through it to check if he had asked DSs cub leader to add me to the parent WhatsApp group. I’ve been asking for weeks, and no… he hadn’t, despite telling me he had.

Anyway, a message from a mutual friend popped up asking if he’d ‘set the business up yet’. DH is employed F/T already. He is the breadwinner and earns fairly well. I work P/t but on a very low wage as I took a while out to bring up the kids and had to restart my career from the bottom (my sector had moved on so much). He has mentioned absolutely nothing about leaving his job, setting up a business and going self employed. Yet, he has set up business pages on social media, got a logo designed, and researched the cost of local storage. It would involve spending 2-3 grand buying what is required for this business, plus the storage fees. We do not have any spare money. This business would also mean working anytime, night or day and travelling all other the country, which worries me as we have two young children, one with autism.

The second thing I’ve found is that he’s planning on buying an expensive e-bike- the cheapest he’s talking about on his bike group chat us £2500, but there’s also some more expensive ones he’s looking in to. Again, we don’t have this money. He’s put his existing bike up for sale for £1200, but I’ve discovered in the listing (I had to snoop all over marketplace to find it) that he bought his original bike brand new for £2400, despite telling me it was second hand. This is not the first time he’s lied about bike stuff. He’s bought so many accessories, helmets, shoes, clothing for bikes and told me he’s had them for years when I’ve questioned it. Last year he bought something and said it cost £60, then one of his friends slipped up and said they actually cost £300.

he’s not mentioned any of this to me. I’ve discovered it all from social media and his search history. Aren’t these things a spouse should discuss first? I will confront him, but need to think about what I’m going to say. I’m autistic, so I’m cautious about whether I’m over-reacting.

YANBU- These secrets are a big deal
YABU- it’s not that big of a deal

MN hates phone snipers because they're all on here slagging off their OH

Didn’t get a chance to bring it all up tonight, I was making dinner and sorting one of the kids out until 9:40. He was asleep on the sofa by the time I’d finished.

I did briefly ask about the bike between putting each kid to bed and he became very sheepish and made up a really obvious lie. I’m not giving too much detail as I want to bring this thread to an end soon, but it’s sad that he chose to lie again.

The big discussion will be soon, once I work all this out. Just about to investigate our finances now.

Good that you are keeping a cool head.

@Yahyahyahyoyo just another perspective. Sounds like your husband (like a lot of people) is (heavily) influenced by his peers (wanting an e bike because they have one etc etc).

Could it be with the business that he has had a general moan about work (not uncommon) and this has snowballed from a couple of conversations in the pub “just jack it in mate, that’s what Dave did, he’s never looked back” into a vague, unthought through plan for a business? He wouldn’t be the first to go down that route I’ve know two spouses personally that have got sucked into that kind of thinking! Maybe he basically is looking for the magic wand out of working for someone else and earning more money and having the lifestyle if supposedly brings - but just hasn’t really committed to it? Like it’s an idea and what others do….but it isn’t concrete…? That’s just my guess. Humans are flawed. If during your chat any of this rings true it doesn’t make the omission of a discussion with you right, but it does explain it somewhat (embarrassment/fear and pressure of being main breadwinner can do funny things to people). It might not be deliberately dishonest (in the LTB terms) but could be a chance for a open conversation?

I might be barking up the wrong tree here - maybe other posters suspicions are closer to the reality of your situation. Good luck.

Good luck op.
I know you started this thread to sense check if your concern was fair, but personally I think you have your head screwed on so I would trust your judgement and instincts.
I hope you have some good rl support and the damage isn't worse than you know.

OH and I look at each others phones and emails. There's nothing very damning on there and I couldn't care less if he "snoops". I doubt he would because he knows there's nothing there that he doesn't know already and vice versa. I would find it worrying if he became secretive, changed passwords and was protecting info on his devices. Although not as worrying as him planning to leave his job and set up a business without menitioning it to me (or being able to give my input)!

This

This was my thought. Could he have been squirreling some away into a different account for things like business/bikes?

I disagree. I don't think a conversation between any couple needs to be confrontational or accusatory. My entire point was to encourage conversation rather than reliance on rumour and conjecture.

Does that make sense, @Cloverforever .

@iamnotgroot0 My phone isn't locked and my husband is free to look at it without me caring. Everyone has different boundaries

Get a better paid job.

11 pages and this is all you can contribute?

FFS

Well now, it’s not all I can contribute but I was trying to keep the comment succinct.

It seems OP doesn’t earn much. Her DH has a much higher income and is spending a lot of it on expensive hobbies and now setting up a business.

OP can sit around wailing about it, keep checking his phone to find out what he is up to next and leave herself financially vulnerable in later life (poor pension etc) by consigning herself to a low income.

Or she could get a better paid job and become a bit more independent.

OP says he has two credit cards. If she doesn’t have access to those, l’d hazard a guess that that’s likely where the spending is.

But, as has already been pointed out, OP getting a better paid job doesn’t solve the problem of his secretive behaviour regarding setting up a business. . They are financially linked and if it fails, OP will likely share in the consequences of that - insolvency, bankruptcy, homelessness, to name but a few. And they have children. If he’s so secretive about it all, she has no idea what he’s doing. She could be named as a co-owner or director without her knowledge and she will be liable if he commits any financial misconduct or even criminality. Unless she knows what’s going on, this is where she’s most vulnerable and she can’t solve that with a better job.

They not only have children, they have one child with particular needs that makes working full time pretty much impossible for one parent, plus one pre-schooler. The pre-schooler may be able to go to nursery but it sounds like the elder child would be difficult to place. So how does OP juggle these elements to increase her income? She says she's working on it (taking a course). That's to be applauded, but will take a while to bear fruit. Meanwhile, the spouse she trusted to look after them has apparently been happily spending like there's no tomorrow - or possibly not. This is where we came in.

@potaytopotahto33 this!

I think it’s really selfish and mean. Are you spending thousands of the family money on a hobby? Probably not. Do you have free time to be designing logos and researching set up for a business? Probably not.

Do you have access to your online banking so you can see what’s going in and out? If my husband spent £300 on an item I would notice almost immediately and it would make a huge difference to everything else we needed to buy that month. If you didn’t notice £300 leaving your account maybe you are better off than he tells you?
he sounds like he wants to keep up with the joneses, if he’s chatting to people with more money than you who have better bikes than him that’ll be why he’s decided he needs a new bike! Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit and realise that not everyone has the same circumstances in life.
my husband is as tight as they come and hates spending, I am the spender in our marriage but he doesn’t keep tabs on my spending. If either of us were to buy anything over £100 it would be a discussion.
i think you need to have a conversation, check your banking daily and ask him what he’s planning to give up in order to afford all these extra non necessity luxuries.

Hi OP,
My question might have got lost in a busy thread but does your child with Autism get DLA?

If so that money is to help your child and your family with extra costs/activities/care/therapy etc arising from their needs - not for your husband to buy bikes with. When you discuss finances with him make sure that money is ringfenced for your child/family activities and isn't the extra that is allowing him to spend on his hobbies.

Snooping is not ideal but neither is deception. And he is deceiving you if he is hiding financial information, hiding purchases and spending your joint family income on secret items whilst you live as though family finances are tight. None of this adds up OP and it seems he is having a lovely time deceiving you. At least now you know, he could be putting you and your kids in a very precarious financial situation and you need to start protecting yourself quick smart. I’d be checking the mortgage, bank statements, credit checks, anything that you are both tied to.

I say this as a friend found out her husband of 25 years had secretly invested joint money in to a failed business without her knowledge, racked up joint credit card debt whilst hiding the evidence and then finally left her for someone else after it was all revealed. He then swiftly declared himself bankrupt and she was left responsible for all their joint debt and a house in negative equity.

So, it sounds like he has spare money. Is he being honest with you and sharing his actual earnings? I know lots of couples seem to find this hard, but if you were childcare for years you need to have the full benefit of his wages

Wow. You’ve done nothing wrong searching his phone, my husband and I use each others all the time lol it’s whatever works for you guys so ignore comments that say otherwise.

I will say however, this marriage will not work in my opinion based on what I’ve read. He CONTINUALLY lies to your face! Again and again and AGAIN!!! How can you live like that!? He has NO respect for you, NO respect for your family, NO respect for your marriage. It’s all a lie!

Next Steps:
Speak to a solicitor ASAP, get all the info you need to answer your questions and take all the evidence you need (mortgage, bank statements, credit card debt, assets, ALL OF IT)
Do your courses, do a benefits calculator, speak to citizens advice
Initiate divorce proceedings but don’t serve
Pack his bags for him, have all your evidence of deceit and lies printed. Sit him at the table, present it all, secret meetings, business start up, bike being new, EVERYTHING.
Watch him lie and lie again, then present the divorce papers and ask him to leave, his stuffs already packed in his car etc.
Set up a few appointments with a life coach and or therapist to support you through this divorce
Try and build a network of support around you with family, friends, school mums etc

GO AND LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE WITH YOUR BABIES xx