Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

Have you been to these countries OP? Many parts of South East Asia and South America are incredibly safe. Please let your daughter have adventures, she is only young once! I agree though that the internship does not seem like a good use of money. It would be better to maybe go to a language school and/or volunteer somewhere.

I can see why you’re annoyed at your parents for going over your head, but also your daughter sounds like she’s got responsible saving habits for her age. She’s got her whole life to work, let her go and explore the world while she has no commitments

I think it’s shitty of them not too have spoken to you. But it will be an epic year for your daughter

If she works and saves her wages then she obviously understands the importance of money and budgeting, and doesn't just expect these things to be handed to her. Tbh it sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity and life is too short not to grab these opportunities with both hands if it's what she wants to do. It's nice that your parents are in a financial position to help, yes it would have been nice if they asked your opinion first, but if you'd have said no, I would see you as being unreasonable.

@Pinkyoo I can offer some thoughts as someone who studied languages at uni, spent a lot of time in Colombia and now I work in marketing.

1st: I wish I'd worried less about money when I was younger. There were opportunities I didn't take I wish I had, which you don't get later in life. I also worked all weekends from 14. You have the rest of your life to work and little time off.

2nd: My child is half Colombian and I know a lot of people there. It's a poor country and many young people struggle to get jobs. Those that speak English are highly coveted, that said you wouldn't get a paid internship over there due to job shortages. The fees to travel and live sound OK. Could be cheaper but I'd hope for that it'd be good accommodation etc. I'd check what they are actually teaching on the internship. Is it a structured course rather than working? Is it in Spanish? As an alternative she could just do a Spanish course. Much cheaper there than in the UK.

3rd: I think all of what she is doing sounds super useful for both studying languages and getting a job in marketing and PR in the future. Much more than working down the local pub. I got snapped up right out of uni and haven't been unemployed since. A variety of experience including part time work (which she's already doing) goes a long way. But I spent all of my summers working abroad doing things like teaching English and this helped both learn the language, earning money and experience.

My overall thoughts are I wished someone had paid for me to do something like that - sounds fab experience! I'd just check the internship content and maybe look for reviews. South America is amazing in general!

@Edda09 I've been to Colombia on my own 4 times and met my partner there. Frequently been the only foreigner in some of the places mentioned not to go. So many tourists go to Colombia and many areas are completely fine. I doubt OP's daughter will be going to a sketchy part of the country. If its a good organisation they'll advise where to go/where not to go. No one is more aware and vigilant than Colombians themselves.

It's advisable to be vigilant and don't draw attention to yourself anyway. I don't wear expensive looking jewellery, don't wave my phone around and keep a low profile. Never had any issues so far. Many young people back pack South America including Colombia without issue every year.

She's being stubborn and won't take on any advice!

Her attitude is bothering me now.

From your first post you appear to resent your daughter. In particular you clearly resent her having an opportunity that she hasn't worked to fund every penny of.

Given that, I'm not surprised she isn't receptive to your advice. Although most kids of that age would be the same regardless.

I appreciate your safety concerns, but that wasn't your primary concern by a long way, was it?

Working full time in your gap year is taking away much of the point of a gap year which is to have a break from studying and work and do something a bit different. If you're going to work full time you'd be better going straight to university. If you're not going to do something interesting with a gap year don't bother with it as it can make a degree harder especially if a stem subject as you forget so much

I’d let it go, IMO there’s nothing better than to be able to travel and experience new places and cultures. It’ll probably make your daughter a more open minded, tolerant person, Nevermind the skills she will learn and the interesting stories.

What amazing grandparents she has.

Will she look back and remember a year she spent working before university in some no doubt menial work or the amazing life experiences she’ll get travelling? I found travelling is when I really grew up, making decisions, budgeting, meeting people in different cultures etc

I hope you are booking tickets to join her on some of her travels

It seems eye wateringly expensive. At first I thought you were talking about Colombia Uni in USA, then realised it was Colombia itself.

Ive less of an issue with the GPs funding it and more of an issue with it being a rip off quite frankly.

You need to step back and rethink your position.

Your DD is an adult, she is getting a way to learn and adapt in a whole new way. Family want to sponsor that development.

You are shaping your future relationship and any support she received will be beneficial.

I'm sorry to say parenting as you know it is coming to an end.

Be pleased for her and continue your give her your support

She isn't jealous, don't be absurd!
Paying £5000 for an internship is ridiculous, and putting that on a PS/cv would be a bit dodgy if anyone googles it and finds out. Buying work experience like this doesn't look good.
Some of my kids have had a gap year funded by their own work.I can see why a year long free holiday would concern a responsible parent.

My immediate thought is how so incredibly lucky you as a family are to have such supporting parents. Wow. Embrace the idea your DD is getting to go in a trip of a lifetime and learning such valuable skills without money worries. I can only imagine how many people would love to be in this position.

your daughter sounds sensible and grounded (definitely not spoilt) in the fact she has saved most of her earnings from a part time job. It’s great that she has aspirations to travel and see the world and seems to have made some sound plans for this. Shes very lucky that she has parents / grandparents that are able to financially support her travel plans - from what I read - this will only enhance her travel experience. She has many adult years ahead of her for full time work - I’d be thankful for your parents generosity and soo grateful they’re supporting your daughters plans to travel and to gain wonderful experiences.

Your Daughter is an adult you don't get to "let" her do anything. You sound very controlling. Are you jealous of her adventurous spirit or the fact your parents are giving her money for a great opportunity, did they give you the same when you were young?

Last summer my daughter did Camp America for a couple of months once she’d finished her first year at uni. After that, she traveled across America for a month. She swam in the pacific, took a bus to Vegas, threw herself off the side of a skyscraper on a bungee cord, sat at the edge of the Grand Canyon, pounded the pavements of New York and did it all alone. It was absolutely fantastic for her. She was always an outgoing child but as she hit her teens seemed to sink into herself. She became more anxious, told us she felt like dying and I was terrified. The travel, and experiences it gave her had proven to herself that she can do anything if she just gives it a go. She phoned me one day to say mum, can I apply for Camp America? I didn’t even think to say no. She’d been working since she also turned 16, has a job working in a bar at uni and is a bloody hard worker. She deserves every opportunity that comes her way and I want her to always know to take anything offered to her. I had her at 20 and wish I had had the chance to travel, to be selfish and see the world. Maybe focus more on what she will gain out of it, than the annoyance of feeling your parents have gone over her head. Change tact. Shes going to do this wether you like it or not. Do you want her to go away with cross words said between you or do you want her to go away having sat with her, helped her plan her itinerary, looked at maps, excursions etc together. You want her to phone home and excitedly tell you about what she’s getting up to, not sitting by the phone wondering if she will call but she won’t. Because she doesn’t see the point, you won’t approve anyway?
Teach her to fly but let her know you’re there when she needs you. She always will but she’s flexing her independence and that’s ok. Just let her do it with you on board.

I can see why a year long free holiday would concern a responsible parent

It’s not entirely a holiday, an internship is work. And thousands of responsible parents willingly fund a year long free holiday because it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I wish I could have afforded it for mine.

They are spoiling her and they should have asked if you were comfortable with it first*

BUT

brilliant, what an experience she’ll get. She’s got the rest of her life to work hard, scrimp and save. Her grandparents won’t be around to support her forever and they clearly want to make sure she has some wonderful memories.

Sounds more like you just don’t want her to go, or maybe you’re jealous of the opportunity?

*suspect they knew you’d react how you have done so cut you out of the equation

yeah you’re being massively unreasonable. How kind that they are going to pay for her to have the experience of a lifetime before she goes into work and adulthood, she has plenty of time to work full time. You should be thanking them really. Do you realise how many people genuinely have this opportunity? I’d be over the moon for my daughter if she had this opportunity.

She sounds really hard working already. Lovely that her grandparents can support her to enjoy her one precious life 💖. I don't think you need to worry about her being spoiled - it sounds like you've done a great job instilling a work ethic already. Relax and let her enjoy this time. What better thing really could they spend their money on than their ambitious and hard working grand daughter. Good on them!

Definitely not ridiculous. It's 5k. Might be a lot to some but if you can, why on earth not?

If spoiling means giving so much that it's to the recipients actual detriment I.e. they don't learn to do things for themselves, fail to learn appreciation and delayed gratification...
It's hard to comment without knowing your daughter whether this could be the case.

What do you value as a person? If hard work is very important to you, I'd understand why this might rub you up the wrong way. Did anyone ever offer you such things? Do you think you would be a different person today if they had?

There are pros and cons for her doing it, but it might be easier to discuss calmly together if you can understand and calm the emotional charge you're feeling around the topic first.

And, if it makes you feel any better - she's unlike a lot of her peers nowadays, who are terrified to experience life outside of their tiny screens/comfort zones. Which is worrying in a whole other way.

How is it over your head? You know about it! If they want to do that for her then why not ? Surely you are all ' part of the same firm '

But it’s not up to you, at 18 it’s up to her. Are you willing to compromise your relationship with her over this??