Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

@Ihearditfrommyradio "Employers look very favourably on graduates who have shown the initiative to get real work experience whilst at Uni, basically they will always go with a graduate who has worked rather than one that hasn't, even if the degree isn't as good."

Could you give some evidence for this, please?

I don't think it's a case of let her. She's an adult and can choose what she does, whether you approve of it or not. In an ideal world, you'd be able to dicuss it together and she'd listen to your advice, sure.

But she has listened, she disagrees and she has made a decision.

In a way, this is great training for the other adult decisions she might make that you don't approve of. If you keep disapproving, she's going to stop telling you stuff and you'll have even less input.

With kindness, this is the next step in her life and how you respond will determine the sort of adult to adult relationship you have with her. Think carefully about how you see that, and try and act in a way that won't damage it.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I think it's great that people are giving you all sides of this and giving you the opportunity to really manage this.

Thanks for the advice. I should also mention that DD is doing a sandwich course and is going to start her placement in June, so that should stand her in good stead. She also works in the summer holidays.

I was your daughter. Desperate to travel and do some volunteering in a gap year. I’d been working and studying really hard and I knew I needed a break before going to uni. My parents completely refused to support me and essentially bullied me into going straight to uni. I dropped out after six months.

let your daughter pursue what she wants. She’s an adult and you will only damage your relationship with her if you try to stop her.

I did go back to uni and get my degree btw. But I really wish my parents had supported me. They didn’t listen and it sounds like you’re not listening either.

Shes 18. You dont get a say.

She is self motivated and already works and saves hard.

She has her whole life to be tied down to a relationship and a job. This is her only truly free time.

Are you jealous? Cross that she is deferring uni when you've been saving for it? Why are you happy to fund the experience you want her to have but not just pleased for her being rewarded by other people that love her for her hard work? This is a you problem.

I would be more worried about her being away from me so I think you're off base to have a problem just because someone else is paying.

It’s not clear what that lesson is.

Agree, and also “parenting choices being overruled” isn’t really a thing once they’re an adult!

Team grandparents. She sounds like a young woman with her head screwed on and her grandparents are encouraging her spirit of adventure and wish to be independent.

I don’t understand why you said she could do it if she funded it herself if you didn’t want her doing it full stop. You say that you don’t agree with the internship but you didn’t actually tell her this at the time. You’ve moved the goalposts on her. Not fair.

Oh sorry, maybe I misread. I thought DD was 16.

You are heading for a major estrangement, where you will have no influence or guidance to offer (demand).

Drop the rope. You are feeding the conflict. Back off. Apologise and tell her you will trust her to do her research thoroughly and make good choices for herself.

I'm a bit shocked by your attitude to be honest, OP. I can still remember my daughter's face when my daughter had finished her first degree and my Mum told her that she had saved several thousand pounds in a savings account for her over the years and she wanted her to use it to enjoy herself. Her initial reaction was shock and then she told my mum that the money would enable her to follow her dreams in terms of her trip. My mum never forgot what a life changing difference she had made to my daughter and we were so happy that my Mum was able to do this for her. We had helped out as much as we could with university costs and would have really struggled to contribute much to my daughter's trip overseas, so I can't imagine not being over the moon thst my Mum had stepped in to help her. My mother in law had also saved some money for her, albeit a much smaller amount, and gave my daughter access to the account at around the same time. Both mothers had asked me over the years how I wanted the money to be used but I always made it clear that it was not my place to decide.

I've read your more recent posts, OP, and while my daughter didn't go to South America, she did travel round India and south east Asia on her own for six months and then ended up in Cairo, where she enrolled on an Arabic course and found herself a flat, again helped by the money my
Mum had given her. I was a bit apprehensive when we waved her off at Heathrow, but she had planned her first couple of months meticulously and had researched everywhere she went very carefully. She has always said thst she never felt in any danger and she had no serious incidents - i think the worst thing that happened was getting her solar powered phone charger snd my sandals stolen. The year she was away completely changed her life, very much for the better, and she came home a much more mature, caring, and thoughtful person. She stopped drinking, taking dodgy substances, and became healthy.

Of course they do but there is also a lot to be gained by teaching young people that they have to work and sacrifice to get the opportunities

A contribution would have been great but paying for the entire gap year is infantilising and not teaching anything.

Gap years are amazing opportunities to grow and learn and mature. Develop hard work and dedication and self motivation and then the subsequent reward. Or they can be a massive jolly when paid for by someone else. Wasted opportunity

They aren't scams. They are a well trodden path. Businesses that are set up to connect volunteers with charities. The money goes to the business and the charity gets the labour.
Sure it's a middle class thing but they can be really great and good businesses only use credible charities where the volunteer gets proper valuable experience in an organised and safe way.

Am I the only person who would have a problem with a young woman travelling to Colombia?

Many people on this thread are making generalisations and can’t even spell the country correctly. It’s Colombia, not Columbia.

Yes!

Not in these circumstances. It’s a pretty middle class, Radio 4 kind of way to do it.

I did one when I was 23 - I lived and worked in New York in financial services- I had graduated into the crisis and so grad jobs or internships were scarce

I paid £6k and paid for flights - charity sourced our internships which we interviewed for and we got free accommodation and a monthly stipend of $1k + travel card. (Count up the above and tell me one year to live in nyc and $1k pure disposable income isn’t amazing - this was 2013/14).

i did it for one year a returned to the UK - interviewed and started a job paying £40k within 2 months.

invaluable experience but yes do your research.

She has 50 years to get bogged down in work - let her travel while she is young enough to enjoy it!

She has been working since her 16th birthday and saving her money.

She sounds like she has her head screwed on to me, so your post seems very unfair.

As others have said, it’s nothing to do with you ‘letting’ an 18 year old do anything. If you listened, and really discussed both points of view, you might end up with a more respectful relationship.

From my experience, I went to Uni young (just turned 17, in Scotland), and so didn’t do a gap year. I did, however, travel/live overseas for 4 years post-Uni. If my folks had said I couldn’t go, you know what? I’d have gone anyway, and would have destroyed our relationship.
wish I had grandparents who would be supportive financially (I had no living grandparents by then), and your daughter is incredibly fortunate that her grandparents are supportive - emotionally, and financially.

I always remember what my mum said to me as I left alone for SE Asia (first stop!), aged 21. If anything happens, and you want to get on a flight home, call us, and we will find the money. Also, if anything happened, and you need us, you’re never more than a day away from us. My parents weren’t /aren’t wealthy, but I knew I had their support - even if I know they worried sick about me!

She's young and may only have this opportunity once. Why not allow her to relax and enjoy herself before the realities of life hit her! She's got 40 years of working to come.

I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year

You can hope all you want, but your daughter is an adult and what she chooses to do in her gap year is none of her business. Why shouldn't she travel, if her grandparents are happy to help out?

The internship in Colombia sounds like a brilliant opportunity and quite frankly you should be bloody delighted that your daughter is going to be able to broaden her horizons and see the world rather than spending a year in a job that, given that it's only a gap year, will very likely be low-paid and dull. She's already been working part-time since she was 16 so, if other options and funds are available to her, why on earth should she spend her gap year doing more of the same?

Hi Op - I have worked in this field and really it won't be considered impressive that she pays to go and do a fake internship anywhere. the whole 'painting the walls of schools ' thing is totally discredited. You can google and read about how fake it all is.

Why would any business or charity in S America or asia need a totally skillless UK student to do work or volunteering for them? their countries are full of local people who could do it. It's just a money making rip off.