Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

Having done some Googling I agree her option sounds potentially dodgy and I would want to avoid that one - the fees seem to much.

that said her idea for an internship abroad sounds lovely and if her grandparents are willing to help fund the accommodation/flight side that is fine.

my suggestion would be to get on board with the idea but help find something better

I'm with you on this. There's nothing worse than people interfering on your parenting. I think it's irrelevant if working is worse than traveling with expenses paid, etc, it's the principle that is being disrespected. You are the parents and should have a final say on what concerns your children, I would have a serious conversation with the grandparents if it happened to us...

The “child” will be 18. It’s totally unreasonable to want to control what an adult is offered.

I'm sorry, I misread the post and thought she was 16 years old. It still wouldn't sit right with me, sorry. So I guess, yes, they are in their right to offer whatever they feel like offering to a (barely) adult, but I am also allowed the right to be pissed off!

I think that's lovely. She'll have her whole bloody life to work. Let her travel and enjoy herself in her gap year fgs.

She’s young already working part time and saving, she now has an amazing opportunity. Why would you want to stop that? She has plenty of years ahead of her she will be working full time. YABU

Sorry, but at 18, your daughter is an adult and you have no say in what she does. She sounds like a very sensible young woman from what you have said about her, so I'm sure she will have researched the dangers and what she should and shouldn't do. Apart from travelling around India, south east Asia, and Egypt on her own when she had finished her first degree, my daughter went to Nicaragua on her own when she was 19 - she was sensible, took advice on what she should do and where she should avoid etc, and was fine. I know it can be difficult, but you can't wrap your children in cotton wool once they get older, and definitely not at all once they are adults. Just be glad that she clearly has a love of travel, and is going somewhere really exciting rather than getting pissed for a month in Corfu with thousands of other teenagers.

I think it's a bit mean to expect DD to work full time during their gap year. It's fantastic that she's got an internship in marketing & PR that could open up many doors for her after uni. Travel is also a wonderful life experience! You're only young once and I certainly wish I'd taken a gap year and done something like this. You're a long time in full time work post uni so my advice would be to let her enjoy it!

Yabvu!!!!
She isn’t spoilt, she’s been working since her 16th birthday!! If my dc showed half the motivation and financial savvy that your dd has I’d doing everything I could to fund her adventures.
She knows the value of money, let her go and have fun.

I’ve travelled extensively, on my own, as a woman, for the past 16 years, starting at 18, including south east Asia and South America. Let her go, OP.

She will have a fantastic time, she will learn so much about the world and herself and she will be gain a huge amount of independence and skills.

I found Colombia - despite its reputation - one of the safest countries I’ve ever visited. The attitude of men was the most respectful of anywhere I’ve ever been, far more so than the UK!

I’ve always had to self fund my travels, but if I don’t think that her grandparents funding will be terrible - however, if she applied to some Colombian companies, I think she’d find plenty willing to take her on, without her paying them. But what does the internship include? Does the money include accomodation/ language course/ etc?

if it makes you feel better, my mum is still worried when I go off now at 34 😂 and we have the same conversation about risk that you and your daughter have - I have always accepted that risk was a part of travel, but worth it for the amazing experiences I’ve had :)

Think you're being ridiculous. It's nothing to do with you if her grandparents pay for it, she's practically an adult and it's her grandparents choice.

She doesn't sound spoilt as she works and saves up. I took a gap year, also worked from age 16 then 6 months of the year to inter rail and fund myself, parents contributed a bit, but it was so much cheaper those days.

The opportunity to do these things at that age is amazing and such a learning experience so if you're lucky enough to have funding then wow!

I do totally get you, you've instilled the value of money into her, she will need to continue work inbetween surely?

Same for uni, she can also work to help fund herself on top of your support. Hence, hopefully she will feel so grateful and stay grounded.
What 18 year old would want to refuse such an opportunity? You've clearly brought your daughter up well and helped her to aspire to doing these things. Xx

Your daughter sounds like a hard working girl and your parents sound like generous people. She doesn’t sound spoilt at all. Your DD is 18, so your parents don’t need your approval to offer her the money and your daughter doesn’t need your permission to accept it. They haven’t “gone over your head” - what a strange way to look at it. I wouldn’t be thrilled by Colombia as a destination either frankly, but that’s a separate issue. I’d be encouraging her to do something similarly exciting elsewhere, not trying to clip her wings entirely as you seem to want to do.

Its a lovely gift and something that will stay with her forever. I guess you wanted her to learn a lesson about supporting herself, but there is plenty of time for that later in life.

I travelled at 18 and I don't regret it for one moment. But I would never pay £5500 for an internship - complete and utter scammers. There are plenty of places that do charge a small placement fee for their service (a couple of hundred pounds) and some that will charge if they arrange accommodations but nowhere near that much. A quick google shows me working holiday options in Chile for 3 months for $760 USD which includes accommodation and placements - and some pay pocket money as well (it’s a German based site but in English, chileventura.de) I can’t vouch for them, it’s just an example of something that came up after 30 seconds googling work abroad South America gap year.

I wouldn't have an issue with grandparents doing this, it's a nice and kind thing to do. However I would seriously question why it's costing so much and what they are getting for that. Why on earth would you pay to do an internship, I get it's abroad so you would need to cover, flights, visas, living costs but 5.5K is a lot of money and what exactly are the organisation doing for that. I'd be dubuios that it was a way to extract money out of kids to be honest.

Goodness me. Give the poor girl a break, she sounds like a good kid! How wonderful her Grandparents can afford to fund her and WANT to spoil her! Are you jealous of her?! As if life isn’t hard enough these days (for all of us)!

FYI, I’m not jealous - my 3 kids are fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents who can and do fund pretty much anything they want. Your daughter sounds like a good kid with her head screwed on if she’s already saving most of what she earns. Let her have any help offered for goodness sake!

Op, I'm in the unfortunate position to say we don't know where we will end up in life and if you get on with your parents and they are haply to "spoil her" let them. She been working a lot longer than most young teens and sounds very sensible.

Very soon she will be tied down to a life of drudgery and responsibility. Let her fly. Having said that... Not to Colombia I would also be terrified about this.

Leave her alone. It’s a once in a lifetime experience. We’ve effectively funded our kids in doing these things. They have at least 50 years of work drudgery ahead of them with a slim chance of a state pension so they’ll have to work really hard and then there’s affording to buy a house.

Where in Colombia is this internship?

Does she speak Spanish?

There are a lot of companies in Colombia and Ecuador that have many Americans go and pay to volunteer for some cause for several weeks, now it seems that British are going too. It's obviously a good business for them....but is it really good for the youngsters that go?

Why would you do marketing and PR in Colombia?

£5,500 would last her a whole year backpacking around the whole of latin America, or even Asia.

Why can't she do 6 months volunteering (for free!) in this country, and then 6 months travelling?

I agree that they should have discussed with you. But it’s their money to spend as they choose, and your DD will not have many (if any) other opportunities in life to spend a year like that, traveling and seeing the world. It’s extremely difficult to have these types of experiences once we have long-term rentals, mortgages, children and other big commitments to worry about. It sounds like she already has a good work ethic and understanding of financial management, and that this is a wonderful opportunity to embrace.

She will have the rest of her life to work when she has completed her degree - but the freedom to travel will likely be one opportunity and that opportunity is now.

The internship sounds like a bit of a con. I've heard about various dodgy "environmental" charities in developing countries getting people to pay for doing surveys on a piece of land, the survey has already been done multiple times by similar people.

It might almost be better to spend the money on travelling.

I'd have some questions about the legitimacy of the internship, but fundamentally she's an adult and needs to make her own choices. The gap year you've described, travelling and having new experiences is exactly what she should be doing at her age. I spent 6 months in South America and 6 months in Asia in my gap year, it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

She's got her entire life to be a wage slave, let her enjoy this year. Colombia is amazing, there are safety concerns but she can mitigate them by being sensible.

She's an adult and it's really none of your business if her gps contribute to her gap year.