Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

Annoyed, or jealous? Stop being a misery.

Stop treating your adult daughter like a child. She can go wherever she likes.

Also, you're being ridiculous if you think the entire continent of South America and the whole of SE Asia is 'unsafe'. For a start, they are absolutely full of 18-year-olds travelling and secondly, they're not homogenous. Saying that South America is unsafe on the basis of what you've heard about Colombia is a bit like saying Europe is unsafe because you've heard bad things about Belarus or Kosovo.

You sound like a really controlling, patronising parent and if I were your daughter I'd be doing literally everything possible to break away and do my own thing. You're really infantilising her and projecting your own anxieties and hangups on to her.

YABU and perhaps a little jealous.

You said yourself, she's worked hard to save since her birthday, so she's demonstrated her commitment and desire to do this. Grandparents have just been amazingly kind and general to help facilitate this more easily for her, as they can clearly see the value too.

This is an absolutely amazing opportunity! Thank the grandparents, say they really shouldn't have and let your daughter have an amazing year and truly benefit from the experience, rather than worrying about money or working and missing out on other opportunities.

If she were an ungrateful child who couldn't be arsed to earn any money to help fund this opportunity, you would have a point. But she's been working and saving money since she was 16, has looked into this internship herself, plus it will be relevant to her university studies. I'm absolutely baffled that you could be anything other than delighted at your parents funding it . I honestly don't remotely understand why it would be anything but a brilliant thing to fund (unless it's not a legit organisation).

This is a perfect response. I never had this opportunity it's too late for me now. I want my children to enjoy life whilst they are young but get a good education and then a job

Wow. An amazing opportunity for your DD and you aren’t happy about it? Let her get all the life experience she can while she is young, she has the rest of her life to work

What kind of weird, puritanical outlook do you have to insist that she pays for it herself when her grandparents are happy to help?

She’s not spoiled. She’s not getting a pony. She’s embarking on a great life experience, working hard, expanding her horizons, and starting university soon.

You sound like your stopping her from living her life. Let her go travelling and have a gap year don’t dictate what she does she’ll resent you. Also you sound like you need a bloody holiday

Your DD will be adult by then, so not a minor. Her grandparents are of an age to make decisions. So, I’d let her have a great time.

Once she is over 18, she can travel where she likes. In fact, once she's 16 and up in the UK teens have the right to travel unaccompanied, which surprised me (when my 16 year old was threatening to go somewhere).

Literally this 👏

At 18 she’s an adult. There’s no letting her. It’s not your choice.

Gosh, I wish my parents could fund stuff like that. I mean I love my parents dearly just the way they are but.....

Why wouldn't you be grateful that they can offer her opportunities that you can't afford?

Honestly I watched my age group go travelling etc and I never even entertained that dream.

Then I had kids, married a teacher we never had the opportunity to travel.

I'm now over 50 and not sure I ever will get to travel. But its more than that. It broadens people's horizons and puts them in an international mindset.

I get that you're cross it's against your wishes, but try to step back and mull it over a bit more before over-reacting.

Yes. Mine went and had the time of her life. Went to SE Asia too. However, I would say that you know her best - if she's very immature, too trusting, naive etc I can see why you might be worried. But she'll be 18 and able to make her own decisions about her life. If you want her to be open and honest with you, you're going to have to dial down the judgement.

Let her go! There isn't many opportunities to travel like that when she starts her career.

You sound jealous OP

Sorry but you don't know what her life will be like. She should experience things definitely and if that's what she wants to do I'd be supportive but I'd be making sure I researched about the company etc and ensure safety stuff BUT I would never make my child just stay and get a job. What if this ended up being her only chance to be young and explore and have fun. No offence but you never know what will happen.

Sounds like an amazing gap year, with lots that will add to her cv and general wellbeing. Let her have this opportunity!

I went on an expedition with Raleigh over 20 years ago.

https://raleighinternational.org/?utm_term=raleigh%20international&utm_campaign=Branded+Terms&utm_source=adwords&utm_medium=ppc&hsa_acc=7094492291&hsa_cam=19682535839&hsa_grp=147683377404&hsa_ad=648065620688&hsa_src=g&hsa_tgt=kwd-307876511705&hsa_kw=raleigh%20international&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwncWvBhD_ARIsAEb2HW9Pa2dJGfXZI2rvgATaCtzXytcG17f-6V18tU_VhlYv7xN7F3BIrzcaAti1EALw_wcB

Beware: The Intern Group is a total scam =>
The Companies Charging Thousands to Set You Up with an Unpaid Internship

She clearly works very hard and saves very hard so why can't they reward her with cash they've clearly got? Worried you'll inherit less or something? You sound like you're jealous of her good fortune.

You sound almost jealous!

a gap year is to experience travels, internships.. not to sit home play phone games or work full time at McDonald’s or Starbucks…

she will have the rest of her life to work full time let her live a little!

YABU. I’d love it if my son’s grandparents did this. Once you start working there’s no end. Why would you want your child to work for longer than they have to and miss out on experiences they might never get again? They’ll be doing an internship for some of the time anyway.

Why not just travel around south America for 6 months and practice her Spanish and have a great time?

Paying to do someones work for them just sounds really stupid to me - she might also be taking a job away from a local person. Would she pay to work for a company in the UK? Of course not.

But the grandparents haven’t gone over your head. You said “Today my mum TOLD ME she and my dad will fund the internship and flights etc etc” . This was your opportunity to say you would rather they didn’t. According to your post, your mother didn’t go straight to your daughter with the plan, or simply hand over the money.
It is quite likely your parents recognised how hard your daughter was working to save the money and wanted to reward her. And you “hate” this!
There are plenty of posts on MN complaining about grandparents who are not generous with their time and money, you have parents who want to treat your daughter and you are not happy! Be grateful and let your daughter have a fabulous life enriching gap year.