Grandparents going over our head to fund gap year

[Pinkyoo]

DD is doing her A-Levels and has decided to take a gap year. We told her she will need to fund this herself.
She's been in touch with an internship group where she can do a 16 week internship in Colombia. She's desperate to do it. It is £5500 for the fees alone (including accommodation), then flights and living costs.
DD has been working part time since the day after her 16th birthday and saves most of what she earns. We've already helped contribute to the cost of her inter-railing in Europe over summer with her friends.

Today my mum told me that she and my dad have decided they will entirely fund the internship, including flights. But need DD to use her savings to cover the living costs (recommended $100-200 per week).

They've said they will also help her with travelling for some of her gap year.

We are in a position where when DD goes to uni, we can cover her living costs and give her money for food. But she will need to work to travel etc.

I hate that my parents have gone over our head to fund this. I'd hoped DD would find full time work in her gap year. Now it's looking more like travel in the summer, travel in autumn, internship January, then maybe more travelling.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous and they are spoiling her?

Lucky you! And lucky daughter!
I would have loved to have this opportunity funded for me, as her grandparents will do.
She is obviously a hard working and money canny girl. She will not have it easy in this world and working till all ages.
Good luck to her and I hope she learns so much from, and enjoys her gap year enormously.

I agree with you but I don't know what you can do about it aside from telling your parents never to do that again. It won't solve the present situation though.

I'd also question to the value of that particular internship tbh.

It's likely they've decided they can afford it. Could that £5k be going on inheritance tax instead further down the line? Which would you prefer?
Many grandparents want to see their money being used and enjoyed while they can

If she'd consider another organisation, 2 members of my family did this: https://projecttrust.org.uk/about-project-trust/

Volunteers are sent to a range of destinations worldwide to do really, genuinely worthwhile projects. Lots of language learning opportunities and they are well looked after by trusted partners of the charity while also building amazing experience and growing independence. Might set your mind at rest while also allowing her the freedom she wants to go the route less travelled?

Why are you so desperate for her to be an adult? Like you said she’s worked since she was 16 so is no stranger to it.

She has probably 50+ working years ahead of her…if you’re in a position for her to have a year of living then absolutely let her go for it

I’d be worried about a young girl travelling alone to Colombia more than anything; it’s a high risk country for tourists.
https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/colombia/safety-and-security#:~:text=Be%20vigilant%2C%20particularly%20if%20you,wear%20valuable%20watches%20or%20jewellery.

I am from South America, and wouldn't like having my 17 year old traveling around there.
The danger is another level, it is definitely not a relaxing place.
Even being fully fluent in the language my own 26 year old daughter has to take a lot of care.
Does your daughter know about having a small amount of money to give to the muggers? Using an old phone and never showing it in public? About the flash kidnappings when they get the victim in a car and keep driving around town and going to multiple cashpoint machines to empty the bank account? Not wearing any jewellery, watches and not making yourself conspicuous?
In South America I walk very aware of my back all times...

It’s a GAP year; she has the rest of her life to slog away at work! What an amazing opportunity and how lucky to have such caring and generous grandparents. I can’t imagine wanting to prevent my child from having this experience! Unless you are jealous? Maybe your parents weren’t in a position to do this for you at 18? Bug that is the wonder of grandparent. Embrace it for her.

I’d be actively discouraging going to Columbia, a young girl on her own. Also the internship sounds extremely expensive, my son is doing one this summer; they are paying him, as it should be. I’d be looking into that company before my parents parted with their hard earned cash for it

YABU - she’s only young once and they don’t mind. Let her have an amazing year and pad her CV.

Live while you’re young and good on her. Thank your parents.

That sounds brilliant to me. Your daughter has been working hard and saving (good for her). Her grandparents can help her with an amazing opportunity. If she can't enjoy life and have fun now when can she?

A gap year is kinda meant to be for travelling and fun, not work. She has her whole life to work! Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for her and really nice of her GP’s to fund it.

if your daughter saves most of her money then she sounds quite responsible. I
think you should let them do it, it's for a specific learning opportunity and she will still be contributing.

YABU.

I was 17 when I got pregnant and have spent my late teens and 20s parenting. I'll be absolutely thrilled if my DS wanted to make the most of his youth and do what your DD is doing.

Why don't you want your daughter to explore and discover? This is a great opportunity for her entering the adult world. Presumably she will be at uni for at least 4 yrs then into the big bad world of work.
Let her have this special in-between time to explore.
I would tell gps thank you very much and send her off with promises of keeping in touch regularly. 😊

You sound miserable!
Are you feeling resentful that your parents are doing this for your daughter? I’d be thrilled

I think this is a great opportunity for your daughter. I’d thank your parents for the financial support.

I disagree that she should be head down and working through her gap year. She should be travelling (albeit not funded by you) and getting other experiences too.

I also disagree that your parents have ‘gone over your head’. At 18 your daughter should have developed her own relationship with her grandparents, and a family is in any case not a hierarchy. You’re not a boss, and certainly not of your parents.

I think that your parents offer is very generous. However, I agree with you and all other posters that I would be sick with worry at the thought of my daughter travelling around Colombia on her own.

As with everything, communication is key. If you can communicate your realistic worries to her without coming over all overbearing, it would give her a chance to talk to the company, do more research, and either find a way to reassure you or to decide to go somewhere else without losing face.

You are being incredibly unreasonable. She will have far more memories and learn so much more ravelling and living in different places than she would working in some full job in the UK. If her grandparents are giving her the privilege of being able to do that, that sounds fantastic.

Saw your post about not wanting her to go to South America or Southeast Asia at all at 18. You are being so so unreasonable. Much better to have a proper discussion about safety than to write off entire parts of the world. Not entirely sure exactly what your problem is but this doesn’t seem to be just about safety — you seem a bit bitter about your child getting opportunities and freedom?

In terms of internships, my strategy was to always look for an organisation I wanted to work at and just apply to them directly.

I’m pro travelling for young people ( and old!) but IMO 18 is very young for a single female traveller to Columbia.
I would also check out very carefully this particular internship, it sounds very expensive. Is there any chance it could be a scam?
I can also see why you might feel aggrieved about GPs interfering here, gifting money is great but you as parent are still wanting to guide your DD.
Maybe some sort of compromise could be reached. Are there other travel/ work / volunteer opportunities which would be better organised and safer than the one she’s currently interested in? Could she do something that’s safer but still offer new opportunities/skills? Could she use some /all of GP money next year or after that when she’s a bit older and has more developed ideas about what experiences she wants? Uni might provide ideas for a trip/ internship.
You might need to sit down with DD in private and take a seriously grown up and adult tone to tell her that of course you want her to enjoy travel and work experiences as she moves into adult life, but discuss your concerns very clearly. Tell her you don’t think her plan is safe at her age/stage and ask why it’s so expensive. Insist she at least checks out some other options which might be a better choice, and maybe enquire at local college or uni to see if there is a volunteering programme or something which could work.

She’s 18 ..or will be…what she and her Gp do is then not up to parents. Mum may not agree with daughters plan- but it’s not up to parents what daughter does and doesn’t do post 18.

all mum and dad can do is ADVISE….discuss why they think it isn’t a good idea, back that up with facts and experiences and let daughter decide. No point angry when your children make bad choices after 18…the ship has sailed long ago to try to influence how they make decisions and bring them up to make “good” ones you approve of.
Remember that the last bit of the brain to develop in humans includes the inhibition and risk taking functions and that’s now known to take until early 20s. Daughter is ABSOLUTELY going to screw up some decisions and actions, but she will learn from that, and promoting responsisiblty and independence is vital if you don’t want a boomerang kid who still can’t or won’t live independently post graduation.

Columbia...Cocaine capital of the world. Met someone in a pet shop of all places whose friend is there and has developed a cocaine habit.

Cheap and very pure...and everywhere.

Agreed..it's insane to have to PAY for an 'internship?'
Sounds like a money making scam.

DS did a year out in NZ and Canada {worked in Canada} and was well paid.

Paying to work does sound very strange.