Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fed up with DH spouting 'I've been at work all day'

195 replies

Boobalina · 26/03/2008 17:13

and basically saying I do fuck all all day at home... apart from be on my maternity leave looking after 6 month old who has never slept through yet and a 3 year old.

It feels like every night he comes home from work and moans that I havent done a paticular task round the house - last night it was WW3 becuase I hadnt taken 3 yr olds PJ's back up stairs after getting him dressed in the morning... he said 'What do you actually do all day?'

When I challenge him on it I get smart arse responses like, 'well I've been at work all day earning money for our family'

I could cheerfully bump him off at the moment.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 26/03/2008 17:17

It's incredible that this attitude still exists, but it does.

Unless you are MNing all day while the children lie in ragged nappies and poo encrusts the bathroom (that would be my house ), YANBU.

VictorianSqualor · 26/03/2008 17:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be annoyed, no, but you have to remember he has been at work all day and in comparison (in his mind not in reality) it probably seems like you have it easy.

The way he probably saw it was how many times did you go upstairs yesterday? You could've taken the pj's up any number of times.

Has he done whole days with the two of them and no you?

It's hard to understand just what a couple of days as a SAHM can entail if you've never done it.

Katisha · 26/03/2008 17:18

Obviously he needs to have a day where you completely clear off and he has to do it all. Then see. Get it arranged asap!

prussell · 26/03/2008 17:19

YANBU. This drives me absolutely mad. I have just gone back to work (part time only) and can unequivocally say that - even though I absolutely love my DS and my days with him are so precious - my days at home are far longer and harder than those at work. Work is just easier and less demanding. And my job is pretty demanding! Perhaps not for all but definitely for me and I bet for your DH. I always think the answer to this is to give DH a couple of days at home with sole childcare .... Mine would run for the hills!

FranSanDisco · 26/03/2008 17:21

He's jealous so let him have a turn doing "fuck all" with 2 children this weekend and go and pamper yourself. Dh can either look after the kids or do the dishwasher. He can't do both. Luckily he's happiest working while I do p/t work and college and almost all the childcare and household stuff. I think I've drawn the short straw but as I don't bring in a comparable wage I have a great life .

MadameCh0let · 26/03/2008 17:21

Men. prancing about an office is so much easier than dealing with two sqwauking kids!

pp is right. The only solution is to go away for a few days, long enough to let the washing build up, so that he has to see to that too, and do the shopping and cooking.

I was stupid. Whenever I used to go away I left meals prepared with labels on them etc, so that the ex thought it was all really easy!

hanaflower · 26/03/2008 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pedilia · 26/03/2008 17:22

what a sod!

having worked full time in a stressful and demanding job i can honestly say being at home is much harder!!

I had this debate with my friends DH, he was adamant she had an eay time at home with 4 DC's while he was at work.
I pointed out that when he goes to the toilet at work it is in peace, when he has a lunch break he has 1 hour completely to himself, his 30 minute drive into work was his time alone!

Unfitmother · 26/03/2008 17:23

No YANBU but I've just realised I was pissed off when I got home and had to sort out the washing and clear away the breakfast dishes when DH has been at home all day.
I'll make sure I don't moan at him.

pedilia · 26/03/2008 17:24

ETA- my DH realised just how hard it is being at home when he was a SAHD for a year and that was with a 2 year old and one at school, he had a new kinda respect for me after that period!

mazzystar · 26/03/2008 17:24

I think when babies are 6 months its a bit of a flash point. Has been both times for us - the height of the sleep deprivation, the most tricky time when you also have a toddler, the reality sinking in that yes, this is it for the forseeable.

You know as well as I do that unless he actually does work down a salt mine its a breeze compared to 11 hours unrelenting childcare. He should know better than to moan, but you should know better than to be bothered by it.

Original poster
Boobalina · 26/03/2008 17:24

Thanks ladies. As soon as baby is on the bottle he can have them for a whole day!

I really think he is jealous that I am at home sometimes and thinks I just lounge about reading Heat Magazine.

I went back to work after 3 year old was 10 months and i personally found it less physically tiring being at work 4 days a week!

OP posts:
Original poster
Boobalina · 26/03/2008 17:24

Thanks ladies. As soon as baby is on the bottle he can have them for a whole day!

I really think he is jealous that I am at home sometimes and thinks I just lounge about reading Heat Magazine.

I went back to work after 3 year old was 10 months and i personally found it less physically tiring being at work 4 days a week!

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 26/03/2008 18:12

My DP often spouts the "but i go to work all day" comment, usually when i am moaning about how hard my lot is (i moan a lot!). But he has had to look after DD for whole days at times and i just look at him and raise my eyebrows, he concurs!!

If my DP moaned about a pair of PJs being left on the floor from that morning, he would need them surgically removed. Me thinks he needs to have some paternity leave - being a SAHP is bloody hard work (i agree it is harder than working, it doesnt stop at 5.30 either - i know that working mums have to come home and do stuff, and dads too - but its the change of scenery etc that makes if like a break, imo), its about keeping the children happy, on top of everything else - i'll give him a week - tops

bubblagirl · 26/03/2008 18:26

hate that comment with a passion as when his at home he sees me running about he does nothing i do everything

then when goes to work he seems to think i do nothing he now rrealises i do as when i leave him to it he cannot get done what i have done and now lessons the comments

quarkee · 26/03/2008 18:43

Is he jealous of the bond you have with the children too? Its easier to yowl at someone re jobs than admit you are jealous of the fact that the children look to you first off and if you are b-feeding the baby it just makes it worse imo. Certainly, when DS went onto mixed feeding when i went back to work i found things calmed down a bit. Good luck.

I have a stressy 4 day a week job with a 200mile round trip twice a week and its WAY easier than when I was on ML.

prussell · 26/03/2008 19:18

I have a friend who after a year's ML with practically no support from her DH has just gone back to work ft. Her DH was made redundant at around the same time and is now a SAHD. Now their DS is in nursery for three days a week because "no one could cope with doing it seven days a week". WTF?! His wife had to cope!!

Original poster
Boobalina · 26/03/2008 20:49

Well DH came home tonight greeting me with big hugs and apologies and appreciating everything I had done today...

I did tell him that he cant moan at me for being too tidy (i.e asking him to help if people are coming over) and then a house slut the next minute if I dont pick up frickin Pj's off the sofa... silly nob.

I do love him really.... he can be a bit like his Dad sometimes - Married in the early 60's, cant cook for himself, clean, et. He knows its wrong but its what he's always know -

OP posts:
quarkee · 27/03/2008 08:46

Glad it all worked out

ruksak · 27/03/2008 08:52

a good remedy for this is DO NOTHING ALL DAY (you can even add a bit of deliberate mess )
then when they return explain that today you have done exactly what they think you do each day! NOWT!!!!

keeps them quiet (for a while anyway)

bozza · 27/03/2008 09:10

I think this is a hard time for you. Yes you could take the pjs up on one of your trips upstairs. But chances are that most of the time you are carrying your baby up or down with you! Once the baby gets a bit older it will be easier but still hectic IME.

TheHedgeWitch · 27/03/2008 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

berolina · 27/03/2008 09:32

Going to buck the trend and say that in SOME combinations of circumstances WOTH is harder - I've been a FT and PT WOHM, a WAHM and a SAHM. But that isnot to say SAHM is easy. Good gracious no. So in that respect YANBU. If the pyjamas bother him he should take them himself and assume you had more urgent things to do.

berolina · 27/03/2008 09:33

(oh and I have a 6mo and a nearly 3yo )

Psychomum5 · 27/03/2008 09:36

my DH says this, and then he gets the kiddies for the day/weekend/time I am in hospital and takes it all back as he cannot wait to get back to work for a 'rest'!!!!

(I kid you not, he often says that work is a 'rest' compared to being a SAHM)

and then, a few weeks down the line, he forgets again and reverts back to type [resigned face].

i think it is a 'man thing' personally......but he does know better now than to say it at times like PMT weeks

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.