to be fed up with DH spouting 'I've been at work all day'

[Boobalina]

and basically saying I do fuck all all day at home... apart from be on my maternity leave looking after 6 month old who has never slept through yet and a 3 year old.

It feels like every night he comes home from work and moans that I havent done a paticular task round the house - last night it was WW3 becuase I hadnt taken 3 yr olds PJ's back up stairs after getting him dressed in the morning... he said 'What do you actually do all day?'

When I challenge him on it I get smart arse responses like, 'well I've been at work all day earning money for our family'

I could cheerfully bump him off at the moment.

My dh often asked me what I had done that day.. he never once meant it as an insult or an insinuation & I never once perceived it as one.

He was genuinely interested in what we had been doing & who we may have been chatting with etc..

God I hated being a home... I'm getting a tic thinking about it.

My sister & I had a conversation along those lines today.. her words were "If someone told me tomorrow I had to stay at home with the kids I'd cheerfully slit my wrists".

Well it is easier shopping without a 3 year old, no doubt there.

But OP still has a baby....doing it on your own is entirely different. And doing ANYTHING while sleep deprived (we've all done it) is very hard going.

"Competitive shitness of day is quite common I think but there are never any winners. "

Quite. Pointless, and if you have enough money...get someone else to do all those tedious jobs you hate.

Oh yes what Fairymum said..shopping online has saved my sanity! It requires a bit of organisation but its made my life soooo much easier.

Lol at eekamoose.
Fantastic!

Quattro, you're a one

I know pointy. Sorry 'bout that. Born that way.

boobalina, my situation was very similar to yours when I was on maternity leave. I had a 3 year old in ft nursery and a non-sleeping babe (still does not sleep well at 18 months but that is another story).

You are getting a decent amount done during the day. Don't feel like you have to pack your day in just because you are on maternity leave. Somehow, time has a different quality when you are at home than when at work - maybe Stephen Hawkins can investigate. I felt bogged down with minutiae of housework whilst trying to care for a difficult, non-self-entertaining baby who sucked all spare time out of me and made me walk on eggshells the whole day and who could not nap during the day unless he was kept moving at all times.

From your schedule, I would not say your baby is demanding to that degree.

I think it IS possible, if you want to, to do more with your day. I sorted out home improvements, had a builder practically camped in the house (had to take baby out for naps), did lots of investments, schools thingys, rationalising the home, that I would not have time for working. This was my maternity leave with my second (ds), rather than my first (dd) after I got my system sussed out.

That means only One weekly shop, meal planning, a cleaner, system for laundry to minimise the frequency of loads, going out only when necessary because I found it took up a lot of time. Like I said, only if you want to.

Quattro - I quote "I do not determine productivity in terms of cold hard cash but if you are seriously telling me that a day with mumsnetting, recreational shopping and phil and fern is productive then you are truly living on another planet.

Am I envious of the time that the OP has? Well it would be kind of nice to have the time to waste like that"

You are really doing your best to keep making the same point over and over again and still not actually seeing what I had also wrote?

It wasnt recreational shopping - I was buying food, baby food, and the only recreational thing was a present for DH friends?! I watched Phil and Fern for all of 30 mins whilst I ate my lunch?! And I went on mumsnet to continue a thread for a little bit. I did other housework stuff in between all this too. After that I was doing the gardening, then I collected my son from Nursery, cooked him supper, played with him, sorted out rest of laundry, then did the bedtimes etc.

Actually, I really dont know why I am even bothering justifying myself to you? Its as bad as having to do it my DH! How fucking dare you say I am 'wasting' my day. Looking after my children and doing stuff round the house?!

Universally Challenged - my son goes to nursery 3 days a week on school hours - 9 to 3pm.

One important note - I do give my DH a break in all this. Since babe has been born, he sleeps in the spare room on work nights so he can get a full nights sleep in order to work properly. He will sleep with me on weekends and doesnt really get up and help in the night. So have been doing vast majority of nights on my own for 6 months. Last night LO went down at 7pm, then woke up again at 7.30 and had to be settled (by me) until 8.30. Then she woke at 12, then again at 4 and then again 6.50 - all to BF for up 30 mins. And that was a good night....

So yes, I am a bit tired, defensive, trying my fucking best to do everything to the best of my knackered ability.

Yes, I am aware I have put myself up for discussion by posting on here and asking AIBU? and I do take CONSTRUCTIVE critcism on the chin. Universally Challenged doesnt agree either but her tone isnt dismissive and snotty and 'I am great / you are shit'

I was cross because my DH only sees the things I havent done.... I do try hard at home and with my kids and I am not being deliberately lazy.

So there with bells on!

Oh and when DH took the kids out on sat morning for 2 hours, he came back and I had been cleaning the house (a good thorough one) and was greeted with 'what have you been doing for the last 2 hours'?! All because I did the cleaning in my nightie and hadnt had chance to finish and get a shower before he came back. It is a bit hard to do anything right in the face of that sometimes.

Little tips, like the pjs ... When I went upstairs, I always took a few items to put away, whether that be washing - even if I did not have time to fold away right away. The pjs, if I saw them on the sofa, I would put them at the foot of the stairs so that next time I went up, I would put them away (laundry bin, folded up if to be reused). I try to put things together so that when I find the spare 15 mins, I could get it done in a shot. So if I knew I had to read some investment things, I would throughout the day, bring the files down to the table, line up pens, envelopes, stamps. Once I find the time, I could work like a dervish and then again, slowly for the rest of the day, move them to their respective places.

Same for food preparation. Take the vegetables out of fridge and put on chopping board. Tins and sauces out of cupboard and decanted into bowls. Pans on the hob. Water to be boiled in kettle. So once ds falls asleep in buggy, I could chop some garlics, whilst rocking him from time to time with my other hand.

It is hard with a baby, but with a little organisation, things can get done. Like others say, you have a whole day to do it in.

Thanks Blueshoes, that was a nice post

boobalina, reading your last post, it does sound like you pack your days. You don't sound lazy at all. You might very well require no advice from me at all. The point I wanted to make was that with organisation, you could actually pack even more in!! Not that everyone would want to do that, though.

And you do need a cleaner, big time. If your dh moans about cleanliness, it is time to hand him the bill.

Interested that none of the people comparing their lives to Boobalina's seem to have a 6 month old baby and a 3 year old. Memory loss is a wonderful thing.

Anyway, while I was slobbing out with DS and DD yesterday I found this useful advice from Mrs Pepperpot.

"As for bad-tempered husbands, the only thing to do with them is to give them bilberry jam with their pancakes".

I did have a cleaner, but felt it was silly to have one whilst I was at home... that was before all my reserves of sleep got sapped out of me.

ah boobalina, I believe you now know the 'error of your ways' . A cleaner is a small price to pay for marital harmony. Heck, I even forked out for ft nursery for older child, but that was because ds was a shocker.

Boobalina - I absolutely agree about the tone of Quattrocento's posts - well done for defending yourself. Your DH is, most definitely, being unreasonable

I think that also, following the example of Mrs Pepperpot, you need to focus your energy.

In "Mrs Pepperpot minds the baby"

"Mrs Pepperpot had sent her husband off to work. In the usual way that wives do, she had made the coffee and the sandwiches for his lunch and had stood by the window and waved till he was out of sight. Then, just like other wives, she had gone back to bed to have a little extra shut-eye"

see - its all about window dressing.

It is at this point however, that everything goes wrong - she suddenly has to look after a baby but shrinks to the size of the pepperpot. (Well, looking after a 6 month old and a three year old/shrinking to the size of a pepperpot, same thing IMO).

She decides to give up on any idea of cleaning the house: "When her husband came home she would have to tell him she had a headache".

This valuable book of domestic advice is available here: www.amazon.co.uk/Pepperpot-Stories-Summer-Reading-Collections/dp/0099411393/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8& s=books&qid=1206953774&sr=8-1

"But hey-ho, luckily there are those of us who value being with our children more than cold hard cash."

Yep. There are plenty of those. And some of them have to go out to work too .

I am mightily pissed off with this "valuing cold hard cash more than being at home with your children" theory/fantasy. ( delete as appropriate)

That is incredibly insensitive and insulting to those who need the cold hard cash to pay cold hard mortgages or rent and cold hard utility bills and cold hard food/essential clothing bills. Life is clearly tougher for some people than others who can't think beyond their own cosy world of being able to afford to stay at home funded by one partner's wage alone.

Take note that there are also some parents "need" to work for their own sanity. We are not all cut out to be SAHPs. Not all careers can be returned to successfully on a cosy little part-time basis and an unhappy SAHP does not make for a happy home life for the children.

Shame on you for that ill thought out put down, I bet you're a lovely person to have as a friend, judgemental doesn't even come close to describing you!

I want more Mrs Pepperpot - she sounds like my kinda woman

I am sorry that I have offended you Boobalina - I can see that you are overtired.

Do read what the other posters have to say about organisation - tips for taking stuff upstairs and only shopping once a week are invaluable in terms of packing everything possible into a day.

On the cold hard cash point - it's a mystery how this dynamic works. Many parents simply do not earn well enough for work to be worth the effort and so give up. Others cannot afford not to work. I'm in the latter camp. Also as I've said, I would be the world's worst sahm.

Online shopping is a godsend. I couldn't cope without it now. I still need to pop in for a few bits at the weekend, but then I can leave the DCs with DH if neccesary. Supermarket shopping with 3 children in tow is an experience I can happily do without!

Here here sitdownpleasegeorge

Oooh thanks susie

Madame Platypus - thanks for the ace post. Mrs Pepperpot sounds very cool!

Am I alone in thinking that Boobalina's man is being the tiniest bit abusive by never recognising her work? Or did I spend too many years working with Women's Aid?

You're all (sorry, I know not all, but it's an overwhelming impression, and yes, I have read the whole thread) giving her tips about time-management but I wonder if there's something more to this.