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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

325 replies

pleasechange · 26/03/2008 15:45

Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

OP posts:
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 28/03/2008 12:06

My MIL lives in the states and it was Christmas so I felt my hands were tied. She came for 10 days and arrived the day after DD was born. I was desperate to arrive home to an empty house. I got that. MIL did nothing but sit like a sloth on our sofa and hold the baby while DH ran around after all of us and I made polite conversation. She stayed in a B&B down the road but was with us from 9am to 11pm every day which I really resented. I was acutely aware that it was Christmas, that she needed time with the baby and that it wasn't her fault that DD was late BUT we will never have that time back and I resented having to hand DD over all the time and the whole guilt trip that came with the circumstances. I behaved as I thought I should and not how I wanted to. Interestingly, DH has told her in no uncertain terms that she is NOT coming immediately after the next birth (baby due July) and that we will call her when we're up for a visit.

Original poster
pleasechange · 28/03/2008 12:11

Winkywinkola you speak my mind!
Notice some of you have suggested MIL will be excited and will be a loving grandparent. Just like to point out that this is the same woman who has forgotten her son's (DH) birthday for 2 years in a row, so that might give an indication of how memorable the birth of her own child was (and therefore how memorable to her the birth of mine might be). BTW, on the day of his birthday she had regailed (sp?) us with tales or her latest holiday and recent shoe purchases (as she does when visiting)

OP posts:
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 28/03/2008 12:12

And as MIL was arriving the next day, I told my mum that she was welcome at the same time, otherwise she would have been on standby until we were up for a visit too....

Curiously my mum gave MIL a mini lecture about helping us in the home. MIL said I wouldn't let her. I said that of course I would as I had only just given birth(!). My mum told her to just do things and not ask. My mum then stood chatting to me in the kitchen while I made her some sandwiches to take home on the train.....

Most odd. The pair of them.

Original poster
pleasechange · 28/03/2008 12:14

Just to point out as well that in my OP I didn't say in any way that the DSC wouldn't be welcome, just that they would also be visiting, separately to the others. They are obviously coming to the hospital/our home after the birth

OP posts:
PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 28/03/2008 12:14

Another thread here

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 28/03/2008 12:15

It's all to do with timing and that my lovely, is entirely up to you and your DH.

jellybeans · 28/03/2008 12:16

I don't think it is unreasonable but I have had to put up with (MIL is very very difficult) MIL visiting the same day that my parents have with each child, it was awful but I knew DH would want them there so I had to grin and bear it. Also, it does look quite bad to allow one grandparent to see the baby and not the other. MIL was not nice to me when she came in but at least she could never say i didn't let her see the baby etc.

magicfarawaytree · 28/03/2008 12:22

yanbu - we have a full week to ourselves when each of our children have been born. not visitors not even my my. that first week is very special and exhausting. Then we arrange for my mother to come first with rest of my family and the dhs family came up seperately after that. for me I just wanted sometime for us and especially when we had other children to have some us time before all and sundry started descending.

magicfarawaytree · 28/03/2008 12:25

should be even my mum!

jellybeans · 28/03/2008 12:38

I think some 'rules' are important. MIL turned up everyday after my 1st section, snatched baby and sat there for hours even when other visitors arrived. After my DS's birth I had severe hemorrhage and she turned up when DH said I was back in theatre when he rang her, I was coming round from the GA and the midwife said, 'btw MIL is here' I was well peed and needless to say she was sent away, worse was she said to DH she only came to 'see babies' and didn't even ask if I had made it through emergency surgery for internal bleeding even though she knew about it. Then when she came the next day I was in HDU she threw some flowers on the bed, snatched DS and sat right over the other side of the room for hours. Before she left she smirked and said,'I don't need to ask how YOU are!' as i was on oxygen. Lovely!

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 28/03/2008 12:58

What a foul woman!

AbbeyA · 28/03/2008 13:28

I appreciate that some of you have difficult MIL and that it isn't always easy but there is a general attitude to MIL that I don't like! I have been quite happy to have 3DSs but, judging by comments on here,a real disadvantage seems to be if I have grandchildren and I could be put firmly in my place-grudging acknowledged as part of the family! It is not a question of bonding with the baby, they don't know if you are there or not! But it is a joyful occasion and they change so quickly to begin with, I am not talking about MIL from hell but normal women who would like a short visit, would appreciate that the DIL wasn't feeling on top of the world and do not expect to be entertained, waited on or want to monopolise the baby.
I can't remember who said it-but I really don't want to see my DS if he has had a prostrate op (unless I could help)it is not the same!! Equally I wouldn't want to see DIL after an op unless I could be a practical help, cooking meals etc. But I would like to see a new baby who wouldn't exist without me!
I suppose I could understand if a couple wanted to be entirely alone, although I think they are misguided. However I think that it is terribly unfair if the maternal grandparents are in a a sort of magic circle with the couple and the MIL is excluded. To exclude step children from the first day is even worse.

tinierclanger · 28/03/2008 13:33

Am reading this thread with interest as I am also trying to work out what we should do. Our first baby is due this summer. My mum lives several hundred miles away and doesn't drive, so when she comes it will be to stay for a few days. She has already said she will stay in a B &B, which is great. ILs live pretty near though and will be able to just 'pop in'.

Ideally, I would have liked both my mum and the ILs to be able to pop in for an hour or two within the first few days, and then for my mum to come and stay for a bit after DHs paternity leave finishes. But that isn't an option as she is too far. So mum will probably not get to see the baby at all for a week or two, whereas ILs will get an early visit. This feels a bit mean but I can't work out a better solution. I don't want my mum with us full time from day 1, as I wanted at least a few days for us to just be the 3 of us getting to know each other...

What to do?

alicet · 28/03/2008 13:35

tinierclanger my parents were very happy to drive 250ish miles to see us a couple of times in hospital, go home, and then come back when dh was back to work. They totally understood our wish to want a bit of time together on our own as a family in the first couple of weeks but dearly wanted to see their grandson in the first couple of days. So maybe give your mum this option?

gingerninja · 28/03/2008 13:36

It's a pretty high pedestal to put yourself onto AbbeyA. Obviously I know the GC wouldn't exisit without you but you can't use that as a right to presume yourself in someone elses life.

And I can't imagine anyone with a nice normal MIL would have a problem with with them visiting. It's those that do have problems that are complaining here. It's not a blanket MIL bash, it's a PITA MIL bash.

tinierclanger · 28/03/2008 13:39

Hi Alicet, would love that and will suggest it on the off-chance she can do it but she doesn't drive, would have to get the train and is on her own (my parents are divorced). Plus she doesn't have much money so it is all additional cost for her.

But you're right it is her decision so I will ask her if she would want to do that.

BTW I can see why people are getting upset with some of the MIL comments but I do think a new mum and dad should have the choice of who they see at least for a few days!

newgirl · 28/03/2008 13:57

plenty of posts already

i wanted to add that i was not close to my mil at all before my girls were born

and i still find her a bit irritating

but she is a wonderful grandmother and a fantastic babysitter

i would have her and the fil over for an hour each (not the others for another week)- go for a doze - let your dp spend time with his mum and baby - it is good for everyone really

alicet · 28/03/2008 13:59

Good luck and congratulations tinierclanger!

I also agree that most people wouldn't have a probelm with all grandparents visiting for short visits in the first couple nof days. However this is presuming a normal relationships which gps that respect your wishes and are sensitive to how you are feeling. It is an entirely different thing if you have mil's (or mums) who are intrusive and domineering and who put seeing 'their' gc over what your wishes as a new parent are. If my mil was like this she would have got told to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

Thankfully both gps are lovely and sensitive and allowed us time as a family while also getting short visits in early.

I do think new families should be able to choose who they would like to visit in the first few days but I also think that unless you have very good reasons it is unkind to deliberaltey exclude one set of grandparents while including the others

Ineedacleaner · 28/03/2008 14:03

I have far from a great relationship personally with my MIL as I have said already yet I would never have dreamed of keeping her away from her sons children in the first while yet let my mother come.

Yes if I had wanted totally us time with the new baby and not even let my parents visit but I wouldn't have done that either. Babies are such a joy to families, all the family and even the MIL from hell is excited about a new GC.

Me and MIL have a shaky relationship at best but she is a fantastic GRanny the kids love her and she is always happy to babysit.

Iklboo · 28/03/2008 14:06

1 week after DS was born DHs dad, his dad's wife, DHs nana & grandad all came up. (We're lucky they waited that long, when FIL heard I was going in on Saturday to be induced he announced he'd visit hospital about 12pm "cos she'll have had it by then" and was really pissed off when we (i) very firmly said NO)

Anyhoo...DH had gone out to take our pet rats away to be rehomed and I was v v upset and hormonal. He was still out when they arrived. Nana & grandad have brought a bucket with them to pee in as they can't manage our stairs and will therefore disappear into middle room to do it if they need to

2 minutes after arriving FIL says "are you not putting the kettle on". Luckily DH arrived home to make a brew.

They then unpack a 'picnic', dropping crumbs, cake etc on the carpet

FILs wife then gets up, grabs DS's feet out from under blanket bouncing them up and down sayig "i love babbies' feet" - DS was ASLEEP and woke up howling - then obviously wanted feeding. FIL says 'you're not going to do THAT here are you?

Grandad annouces he needs a wee. Disappears into middle room and comes out with sloshing bucket (right near DS pram)..'what should I do with this Tony (FIL)'.....

Ah, how I laugh about it now

Iklboo · 28/03/2008 14:06

But I love love love love love my MIL!

AbbeyA · 28/03/2008 14:23

I think that your mum would be quite happy with that, tinierclanger, I know that I would. I am not meaning to make it a competition! I just don't like the assumption that MIL is a nuisance that is grugingly put up with, and is a second class grandmother. Neither I am I putting myself on a pedestal-just pointing out that a new baby would be a much wanted part of my family as well.
I actually have good role models in my family. I have been married twice and both sets of in laws had 2 DSs (and no daughters). They have had no problems with any of their DILs and are equal to the DILs mother. My first in laws are grandparents to the DSs of my second marriage and are part of the family, having seen them from practically day one. My present DH's parents are treated exactly the same as my mother. My mother has an excellent relationship with my brother's wife and her relationship with his DCs is no different from her relationship with my DSs. She has looked after DIL when she has just had her DCs, and had sole care of one of the babies when DIL was ill. I am not anticipating any problems with future DILs (if I get any).I just get saddened by some of the threads about MIL on here and I think that the over possessive women should remember that they may well be MILs one day!

Original poster
pleasechange · 28/03/2008 14:31

"I think that the over possessive women should remember that they may well be MILs one day!"

  • well as a MIL I would like to think I would respect my DS/DIL, remember by DH's birthdays and not harp on about my over-obsession with myself!
OP posts:
sleepycat · 28/03/2008 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbbeyA · 28/03/2008 14:40

Who is harping on about over-obsession about themselves? If it is me I am merely saying that I would like to think that a future DIL would want me to see the baby-not to much to ask!