To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

Well that is another issue though - I am very assertive in terms of setting expectations!

I would quite openly say - I know you are desperate to see new baby, so please do come and stay on xx date - DH will book your train tickets down and back again for you!

Everyone gets their turn but yes, it is fair to ensure that a short visit doesn;t turn into a week!

But the OP's MIL lives an hour away - so a short afternoon or morning visit is possible.

Well yes, but I hadn't foreseen how different my mil was from my mother, I just didn't know her that well. I suspect those who had an easy time of it had more sensitive mils. FWIW we had lots of visitors and I loved it, I was in hospital for five days and had close family and friends come for an hour or so every evening. It's just that an hour was enough in any one go.

The next time WILL be different.

I have just dissolved into a fit of giggles at the idea that anyone might describe my MIL as sensitive! It would be a bit like saying that the Pope loves the missionary position

No that really isn;t the reason - it is simply that I do not feel that my DH's mother has any less right to see my newborn than my own mother.

Yes, ha ha - how naive I was - I agree, she has exactly the same rights. My mum came for an hour at a time and then left us alone for a week. If only mil had had the same idea.

Actually my mother was more of a pita than my MIL when I had my firstborn. Spent all of her time bonding with dd whilst I did the drudge work and I silently resented her. MIL however was quite solicitous

Hi

I can understand how you feel, but as a Grandmum of 7, I've found that we older ones can be of great help in giving you some respite at a time like this. If the parents and in-laws can be made to understand that they are not going to be honoured guests but much-needed helpers, I'm sure you can solve your problems. We all love to be needed, none more than grandparents.

My daughter had twins 10 weeks ago, and I'm sure she thought she and hubby would cope. The reality is that I've spent the last 8 weeks at her house for most of the hours he's at work. By request, I must say!!

MIL lives an hour away and would give her right arm to be me!! Don't alienate them...they may prove to be your best allies. They surely will love your baby to distraction.

'I find this to be passive-agression at its worst. A way of new mum using their 'vulnerability' to control access to their child. Oh DH - did he have anything to do with this child? Might he be as attached to his parents as I am to mine?

What a load of precious nonsense!'

I agree entirely soapbox. I also notice-rather hidden in the thread that WinkyWinkola is not excluding her mother, it is just her poor DPs mother who doesn't get to see the baby, probably under the guise that her mother is nurturing her. The MIL may be wanting to nurture as well but she doesn't stand a chance! I find it very controlling and I hope that if I get a grandchild my DIL will place me as equal to her mother, and that I don't have to be grateful for the crumbs that are eventually cast my way! A new born baby changes a lot in the first week or fortnight-I would want to see them within the first day.Half an hour would do and I wouldn't expect to stay. However hard the labour I don't think this is too much to ask. It will be a terribly exciting event for me, DH, my other DCs parents, inlaws, brothers and families. For DIL to exclude us all from a joyful event would be totally unfair.
I don't know why I am getting so upset! I am sure that I will have good relationships with any future DIL, and DSs wouldn't have partners who were so insensitive and controlling-I suppose it is the niggling doubt that it might happen.

I have just reread the op and it seems that the DSC are also excluded. Surely as the baby will be their brother/sister it is only fair that they get to meet at the earliest opportunity. If not I do think the OP is being unreasonable.

Totally agree shesells I had missed at first the dsc. I think they more than anybody should be among the first to see their new sibling. I think it is very important on so many levels most of all they will not feel that they are being excluded because there is a new baby and I am assuming here that they don't live with the OP so it is important that they feel as included and allowed to feel like the babies siblings.

Like I said before this is dp/dh's baby as well and he will be as excited about showing the baby off to his family and should be allowed to. There is nothing wrong with setting some ground rules re length of visit etc but to completely shut them out is quite awful.

Ladies. I really do believe that the OP is not about favouring one set of G'parents over the other.

Imagine a man goes in for surgery.....to have his prostate removed. He knew it had to be done soon but it wasn't until he collapsed, that he was rushed in and the deed was done. His backside is on fire, he's feeling like he's been through the wars and he's bleeding from his back end and having to wear pads which just add to the pressure and overall discomfort. Every time he walks it hurts and every time he goes to the toilet it's like shards of glass and all he wants to do is keep out of the way and / or sit in the bath to help the pain. But no. He can't - he's not allowed to sleep longer than a couple of hours before he is forced to bare his chest while someone twists his nipples for an hour.... He also has to have his back end checked daily by some community nurse, which adds to his overall distress and possibly humiliation.

Do you think, given only two choices, he would prefer his wife's mother or his own to come and stay? It goes without saying that he would probably rather neither of them.....

But PTIYPASM what about her DSC. Surely they should not be banned?

PTIYPASMI He probably would have neither but the OP has already said her mother will arrive during labour all going to plan and stay in a b&b close by overnight.

I don't think it is a case of don't like mil so don't want here there but I do think it is a bit ill thought out maybe.
I would rather not have had MIL and her random family members visit me immediately after my children were born but I understood that they were just as excited as my own family and wanted to see the babies and would never dream of saying to DH want my mum to come but not yours for whatever reason it would be.

I also agree that the step children should be allowed to meet the new baby as soon as possible because this will possibly be a confusing and emotional enough time for them without feeling like they are being shut out by their step mother and their father because there is a new baby.

Blimey you know what it is not a bleeding competition to see the baby prove who's da best granny!

frankly it is entirely up to allnew and dh to decide.and if someone's nose is put out of joint because they saw a baby a few days hours after other mil - well grow up ladies

honestly, no one hear remamenbrr being
exhausted
tired
sore
battling to get the hang of feeding
crying

well i do

and i had no visitor except MW for a couple days to recover. genuineley people understood

no one's relationship or bonding will be imapired because of a few hours. honestly!

my baby saw the postie before granny, doesnt mean loves postie more than granny

putthatinyourpipe and scottishmummy are absolutely right. It's not forever, the baby won't care who it saw in the first week but it could make a real difference to the OP's sanity.

I don't think anyone is claiming that bonding with grandparents will be affected, for god's sake, my sil and dh's friend met my ds before I did, (due to crash caesarean, under ga) and I didn't stuggle to bond with ds...

So I understand how it feels to be so out of it I still can't remember the first time I met ds, knackered after hours of labour and no sleep, struggling to bf etc etc. And yes I do remember how it feels with a new baby, seeing as I have a six month old dd.

After all of that, I just cannot for the life of me get my head round why so many on here think it is ok to totally ban such close family members from even just a brief visit to share in the excitement of a new baby. I'm with AbbeyA in that there is something about this attitude I find upsetting, but can't quite put my finger on why!

I know my dh would be incredibly disappointed if I expected him to demand that his family stay away.

Having given birth myself (and it was a 'very straight forward 'easy' one and home a few hours late putting the washing on' one), I am pretty sure I would understand if any daughter-in-law of mine would prefer me/us to visit after a few days / week or two. I hope that I would be emotionally mature enough not to take it personally but to realise it would be related entirely to how she was likely to be feeling physically. It is well known that GENERALLY, people are more comfortable feeling a physical wreck in the company of close friends and their own family rather than other people's family...

What is wrong with a one hour visit per day from one/two people but a few days after birth?? Surely it's ok to say that you will phone people up when you feel up for a visit?

A brief visit the next day yes, but how long is that exactly? If you know someone is doing a 2 hour journey, then to shoo them away after 20 mins is going to be near impossible - 'the guilt thing' will kick in. Then do you have everyone at once or in drips and drabs? The former might be near impossible to organise and a crowded house and the latter would result in up to 2-3 hours of visitors. They may well be up for that but they may not and they should be able to pull the plug on any well laid plans if they need to without anyone getting their knickers in a twist. i would have thought

ickleou, maybe you and AbbeyA have fantasticc relationships with your MIL, it's clear that that's not the case with the OP. I sympathise with her.

PIIYPASI, your name is brilliantly appropriate.

Well maybe shooing them out earlier than they would like would do less harm than an outright ban on even the briefest visit. I understand not wanting crowds of visitors, but to expect your dp to tell his parents to stay away is really expecting too much.

Be thankful they're interested, some in laws couldn't give a monkey's and then that would be a whole other thread about my fil.

I notice that the op hasn't been back to tell us what her dh thinks about this, if she's told him.

gingerninja, as I posted earlier, my relationship with my mil is terrible, we are barely civil to each other, for many reasons.

However, she loves my dh, and our children, and I just would not ask my dh to put his excitement and her excitement to one side just because I've just done what billions of women have done for years.

"Well maybe shooing them out earlier than they would like would do less harm than an outright ban on even the briefest visit."

I totally agree. I don't see why a couple can't between them tell people that visits are for 1hr at a time and they will have to entertain themselves elsewhere if they have travelled far. You are both adults and should be able to control who comes in your front door when and if becoming a parent doesn't make you grow up quickly I don't know what does.
I'm lucky because I have CSections so have time to entertain all GPs & inlaws in hospital where nobody wants to stay too long. That takes the edge of everyone's need to see the baby again very soon, they quickly remember how dull newborns are.

I really hope I would be the kind of MIL who would be as useful as a DIL's own mum. You realise that many of us will turn into MILs from hell though, statistically speaking we can't all be wonderful.

Erm, Abbey, it's not me who is not wanting certain visitors after my birth. The OP is someone different.

I think after giving birth one is absolutely and 100% entitled to be precious, selfish (if you like to call it that) and self preserving.

The baby is not going anywhere.

Buckets reading this thread, I am more concerned about DILs from Hell