To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

tinierclanger - I recently had my first baby and my parents live miles away. The way we worked it was to have short IL visits in the first week (FIL and MIL are divorced) and then my parents came to stay for the second week.

In some ways not ideal, as my parents had to wait to meet the baby, and my mil felt 'shut out' for the week they were here. But she is coming down for a longer stay now. And it was lovely to have my parents around to look after us in the second week, when we were getting really tired.

If you don't respect your DIL's wishes then I think you will find that you don't get on with her. Don't tread on her toes. It's her time, not the GPs.

It's her life and her baby and her birth experience. Not yours even though they wouldn't exist without you (or something weird like that!)

I haven't read all the replies, but here is my tuppenseworth -
I completely agree that you do not want the first week that you're home to be a constant round of visitors. You will be tired, you might be struggling to get BFing established and it's quite likely that you'll have a day of being weepy and hormonal.
However I also think that it's nice for the grandparents to see the new baby. So, I would suggest that you have one day (not Day 3 after the delivery!) where you have all four of the GPs visit together for an afternoon. Doesn't matter that they've separated, they can cope for a couple of hours. Other relatives don't count yet, only the grandparents. You can take a couple of photos of the baby with the ILs and then your duty is done and you can be left alone for things to calm down.

"I just don't like the assumption that MIL is a nuisance that is grugingly put up with, and is a second class grandmother" - I agree, I know from my peers that this attitude is quite prevalent. It seems that often, many MIL's are treated like this not because they are particularly taxing and difficult, but rather because they committed the crime of not being the new mum's mother.

There are of course MILs who are absolutely awful - and there are a few examples given on this thread. It is understandable that new parents wouldn't want to be descended on by really difficult MILs.

But I do think anti- mother in law sentiment is more widespread than is warranted. Tbh I am not the best DIL to my MIL - and she is fairly innocuous really (although she talks to much!). This thread has kicked me up the arse to make more of an effort with her so she doesn't feed 2nd fiddle

'feel' 2nd fiddle

thanks dustbuster - I don't want to upset anyone, but I think your arrangement is the one I would like best. I will make some tentative enquiries!

'I agree, I know from my peers that this attitude is quite prevalent. It seems that often, many MIL's are treated like this not because they are particularly taxing and difficult, but rather because they committed the crime of not being the new mum's mother.'

It is very prevalent! My SIL only has to mention to people that my mother is going to stay or she is going on holiday with her and they commiserate!!!! My SIL has an excellent relationship with her,CHOOSES to go on holiday with her and has never said anything bad about her and yet it gets that appalling reaction!
As a MIL I would have no objection to DIL mother staying for a week and me only popping in for half an hour, but I have a huge objection to not even being able to see the baby!
I would expect to be friends with DIL family. My mother sees my in laws when I am not there. First DH's and second DH's parents see each other. Everyone can be friends-it is not a competition.
I know it is different people, but I find it ironic that on another thread I am being castigated for saying that when I am older I want to have 'me' time and not be available at all times to babysit and would like to leave DS and DIL to bring up their DC without me interfering, and yet on here I am seen as interfering and obsessive because I would like to see a new grandchild (for a short visit)in the first week! I probably won't get any anyway -so it is all academic!

You are welcome, tinierclanger! I explained to my parents that we needed to get a quick visit from both ILs in so that they didn't feel left out, and they were very understanding. It also meant that we could really relax when they came to stay, without worrying about when we were going to fit in other visitors. It did mean that we had to put off our friends for a couple of weeks, but they were very understanding.

Best of luck - I can't believe how much I've enjoyed the first couple of weeks home with the baby, and partly that was because we got the visiting arrangements semi-sorted before she arrived.

Iklboo, I know I probably shouldn't laugh at that but :D

Your ds is going to love that story when he's old enough to appreciate it!

AbbeyA, I think you've hit the nail on the head with your last paragraph. I agree with soapbox about it being a control issue. It wouldn't have occurred to me to tell any family member - mine or dh's - to stay away until I decided to allow them the privilege of a measly visit.

Of course, it is completely different with true MILs from Hell, but I agree with others on here that a MIL doesn't have to do very much for some people to see them as such.

I always thought that if you had a MIL then you had a DH too. In which case isn't the baby both of yours?

I had my first in the days when you stayed in hospital for 5 days following a normal delivery.

My parents lived in another country, and came to stay the day before DD was born. ILs live up the road. I got really tired from the endless visiting while I was in hospital. One day MIL and her sister arrived at 10am. Then in the afternoon MIL's sister and her DD came. Then a bit later MIL's sister came back again with a friend!

I came out of hospital on the Monday. On Wednesday the ILs arrived at 7.30 pm. They sat there until 10.30pm. When the baby cried for food MIL "rocked" her and "sshhed" her and wouldn't give her back.

That set the pattern for the next few weeks and the next 3 babies. My DH won't say anything to his parents, so let them turn up late in the evening and just sit there. I expected him to sort them out as they were his parents. It put a huge wedge between us, and between me and the ILs.

While my mum would arrive; put the washing on the line; tidy up; make the dinner; MIL would arrive, grab the baby and just sit. Once she has grabbed the baby she won't give it back, whether it cries or whatever.

When we had DC5 last year we had no external visitors for 2 weeks. It was bliss. Just us and our older kids.

As I have 3 DSs I have often worried about the DIL scenario. I'd like to think I wouldn't be so insensitive as my MIL tho. I'm sure it must be possible to be excited about a new GC without trampling all over your DIL?

If you know that you have a problem MIL you have to set boundries from the start. Most normal women are not going to be so insensitive.

Evenhope, I had a neighbour like that. She did at least wait a few days before coming round, but was there for 8 HOURS when she did appear. I wouldn't have minded as much if she had been a friend or family member, or even just a lonely neighbour, but she had a dh and three ds' at home and just wanted to escape I think. I do sympathise with you. When I had ds she came round on the day I got mastitis and stayed for hours AGAIN. I didn't have it in me to ask her to go home, even when the midwife came and dh came home from work.

I would do anything for a nice MIL! Luckily my FIL is fab (divorced). The only thing I did to pee MIL off is get pg and take her son away from her total control (He wasn't allowed to sleep out at anyones house at age 20 as she was 'scared on her own'). She offered to pay halves with my mum for an abortion. (I never thought of abortion, she just suggested it). Then she told DP to dump me and it split us up for a while. When I had DD she came round and snatched DD while either ignoring me or showing no interest at all (I am not especially interested in her either but it would be polite to say hello etc). She is very very domineering and DH is an only child. She refused to tell him who and where his father was. She got a woman in town to come over and swear at me about treating MIL 'bad' in front of DD, I had never seen this woman before. At our wedding she took photos of everyone but me the bride! It is a horrible feeling when your precious baby is grabbed from you but you are treated like a piece of crap and rejected and she always tries to get DP to go with kids on own. She turned up daily when DD was born. Luckily I know she was like that (nasty) with all his ex GF's, I met a sister of one at work and she said her sis went out with DP but OMG his mum was a total cow to her! I understand what you are saying Abbey and I have DS's too. But I think however excited you are about a new baby you have to also show some care for the mum, in my case I got none. Luckily we are civil now but we had very different expectations about the level of her involvement. With a reasonable normal MIL it may well have been very different. At least I know how NOT to be with my future DIL's!!

I am kind of feeling the same way but know it would be unreasonable not to allow MIL to see baby soon after birth as she has been waiting so long to see the new baby and she will be the grandma and we will no doubt need her help in the future. I get on OK with her but feel I would like just the 3 of us to have time together.

I will let all parents come to hosp to see us also and maybe next day and we will explain to rest of IL's and friends and say they can visit after a week has passed.

Scotia you let her do it twice? Don't understand why folk can't politely ask people to leave?

Lol buckets, not twice, 5 dcs so FIVE TIMES! I didn't like to be rude to her She was only trying to be friendly, but still...she was just so... BORING, lol. It would have been easier to ask a family member to give me peace, or help with the other dcs.

Of course it's a control issue. It's about keeping in charge of your life and your home after the chaos of having a baby.

And you're right, AbbeyA, it's not about a competition so why not let the DIL decide what visitors she's up to without the MIL instantly assuming that she is 2nd class relative. Why can't people just back off without jumping to silly conclusions? They do get excited but they're not children, are they? They can behave like considerate adults.

Obviously, there are women would prefer their own mums about after having had a baby. I don't think it's reasonable for a MIL to take offence at that. Yes, there's a new baby but there's also a new mother too. It's a very delicate situation. I think it extremely childish to take offence.

And the idea that "if it weren't for me, neither of them would be there," is hilarious! Talk about controlling. That's like saying, "I gave birth to DH, you should be grateful because you've now got a baby with him. So I should be able to do what I want when I want and that includes visiting when I want, not when you want." That's controlling!

The huge shift in family relationships that happens after a baby is born can cause rifts and ructions for many many years. I think it would be wise for relatives to hold back if the new mum prefers it that way. It's just tough on them, I think, but not really that tough because it's a few days!

Actually I disagree - it's about keeping control of the dh/dp. Mustn't let him involve his family in the biggest life-changing event in his life.

As always, it's the new mother that picks up the bill.....

But not visiting for a few days isn't "not involving" the DP's family. That's silly.

agree with milkmonitor. would like to think if ever I am a mil that I would respect not visiting for a week to give the new family unit a chance to bond/ find their feet. Its a bit precious to think that you have rights on dgcs. no matter how healthy the relationship between inlaws the new family unit come first. Actually the baby would not have been there had it not been for the sperm and the egg that created the baby. having a child does not meant that you will automatically get a grandchild..... wanders off shaking head with images of unwanted guests shouting ' do you know who I am at the new parents...'

I really cant belive some of the comments on this thread.

I just think its really unkind to not let GP's come round for a quick visit after the babies been born. Not talking about them moving in for a week - Just seeing the newborn.

A new baby is such a wonderful thing for a family. Surely its not too much to ask to let everyone have a little bit of that.

(FWIW - I gave birth to twins via caesarian after a horrendous pregnancy and wasnt really in any fit state to see anyone but I would never ever have wanted to take those early few moments away from the GP's.)

Because i was ill for quite a long time afterwards and we had twins I needed a lot of help from my mum and she really drove me round the twist. Because she lives a long way away she had to stay with us so I dont understand the argument for not wanting people to 'camp out' in your house for the first few weeks. But it doesnt have to be that.

If the GP's live a long way away & dont have much money then offer to put them up in a B&B or a travelodge. Will only cost about £40 and then they could have a quick visit when they arrive and then another quick one the next morning before they go home etc.

should have said so I DO understand the argument for not wanting people to 'camp out' in your house!!!!