To not want in laws to visit in the week baby arrives?

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Haven't yet discussed this one with DH, so would appreciate some views first! My parents live 100s of miles away and I have agreed with my mum that she will come as soon as I go into labour (DH agrees with this). She is very thoughtful and has even offered to stay in a b&b so she doesn't get in the way and will only stay 1 night after baby is born. With respect to other visitors though, I'd really rather not have any until after about a week (especially as in laws would all arrive separately - e.g. MIL, FIL separated, BIL, GIL - also DSC).

Does this sound unreasonable?

'And the idea that "if it weren't for me, neither of them would be there," is hilarious!'

The only point that I am making here is that having a grandchild will be one of the most exciting events of my life and I don't think that asking to see the baby in the first few days is too much of an imposition! I know that my DSs would want to show the baby off to me straight away so the only person who would stop this is the DIL. I have already said that it isn't a competition, I am quite happy for the maternal grandmother to stay, but I would want to see the baby while it is a new born!
So far my DSs have had lovely girlfriends and I have got on with them well so I don't think that it would be an issue. I just hate this sort of thread where MIL are tolerated as a necessary evil! I know there are MILs from hell, some of the stories on here are dreadful, but there are also DIL from hell! There are women who marry a man and see him in isolation, not as part of a family where he is loved by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. Possibly these are insecure women and are jealous but love isn't rationed! However arduous the labour I think that showing the baby to your closest relatives wouldn't be too much to ask. It never seems to be the father of the DC who is having his parents around and excluding his MIL, but it seems to happen the other way around.

Banning your dh's parents from visiting him in his own home - yes even for a few days - is silly Winky, unless of course HE doesn't want them there. I love my dh, therefore I put up with his family, whether I like them or not. He would have been gutted if I had told him his family couldn't come and visit his son until I said so. It would never occur to me to be so controlling over him. It is his child too.

On the contrary Abbey - my DH forced me to have his mother to stay for 10 days (she arrived before DD was 24 hours old) because he wanted her to see his child as a new born. When I tried to discuss it with him before as I was anxious that I may not be up for it, I was basically told to piss off. He also said that my mother wouldn't be welcome if his wasn't (which I actually agreed with). He didn't enjoy having her as it turns out and the timing will be different for #2.

IMO it is NOT to do with the MIL per se but visitors full stop. Asking for a minimum of a day or two's space if you need it, is entirely reasonable.

I think YABU sorry - you can't treat your MIL like a second-class grandparent. My mother stayed for a week (and was present while my baby was born) but the MIL (and SIL plus husband) visited 3 times, a couple of hours each time. If they are talking about moving in on you and staying over, expecting meals etc then not unreasonable not to want that.
Everyone is different and personally I let anyone who wanted to come, come as I am not sensitive about "getting to grips with motherhood" myself, you just get on with it. But if you were to say NO visitors that is one thing, but to discriminate against ILs is not fair. And your husband should really tell you so - there is no way mine would put up with a ban on his side when mine were welcomed!

Couldn't have been much fun for you, but he didn't try to exclude your mother, which is what Abbey is talking about. I agree with you that having people stay when you are knackered - TEN DAYS! - is out of the question. I do sympathise.

I would actually be more concerned for the poor DH's who are being forced to have THEIR MILs to stay when they may well want it to be just the new family unit for a day or two or three or whatever. Often the DW gets to impose their parents for days on end on the poor DH which I think is equally wrong.

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT A QUICK HALF HOUR VISIT btw!!!!

I agree with you about that PipeandSmoke.

That's my poorly made point Scotia - he did try to exclude my mother and she was only allowed to visit because his mother was there anyway, so she may as well. I was all for phoning the invites through when we were ready and that's something you don't know until after the baby is born. It may be 3 hours, a day, two days or whatever it is. Everyone is different.

I think all this rationing etc is very sad. I was happy to have visitors when all mine were new babies. I don't recall anyone outstaying their welcome or being a problem.They were all happy for me and I loved showing off my babies. It didn't occur to me to exclude or control. I hadn't realised that I was so lucky or that it was all such an issue! I felt very special, there was plenty of time to bond with the baby in the centre of loving friends and family.

I agree with that too actually. Maybe I was lucky that people (with the exception of my neighbour) phoned/made arrangements first before appearing. I still wouldn't have been likely to say not to come though.

Not sure really, as it is their grandchild and they may feel a bit put out that your mum is allowed to se ethe baby but they have to wait. I wouldn't like the in lwas to descend and stay in my house though just after I've had a baby, it's much easier and more relaxed with your own mum.

When I had dc3 my SIL and FIL turned up at the hospital an hour after I had him, I was in bed felt like shit and looked worse and though I know they wanted to see the baby I really didn't want them there. FIL was sitting next to a full bag of wee from catheter thing that was hanging from the bed.

I had complications when pg, and was due to have a section. They gave me the date of the 6th, and I was upset because on the 5th my mum was going to be across town having an operation, and so she wouldn't be with me the day my DD was going to arrive.
We told very few people the date that DD was due to arrive. My two sisters were at the hospital waiting while I had my section so they were the first to see my DD. DH's dad was waiting in the car park an hour before visiting time because he was that keen on seeing the new arrival. So at visiting time I had my two sisters, my FIL & step MIL, my SIL and her b/friend plus me, DH and DD in one little room. The following morning, DH arrived with MIL and her parents.
I was still gutted that my mum wasn't going to see DD and so we decided not to tell my grandparents / aunts and uncles etc on her side because I knew her sister would arrive in a flash and always hold it over my mum ("I got to hold your first grandchild before you"). Mum checked herself out of hospital on the 7th and came over to my hospital to see me. My aunt found out by accident that I'd had DD (she visited my mum on the 6th and somebody made a passing comment about my mum being a grandma) and when she turned up at the hospital she made me feel like crap for not telling her and my grandparents so they could visit.
When they left, I sobbed for an hour.

I think you should be pleased your MIL wants to come. I was stuck in hospital for a week with an infection after my ds was born and my PIL didn't visit once!! As my folks have both passed away the only visitor i got were my dh, dd and best friend. So sorry but yes, YABU. Of course you want your mother there but equally your dh will want his there and it seems cruel to keep her away. As someone else has suggested, you can always go for a nap and be happy that your lo is in safe hands. There is no-one to beat your own mother at a time like this and you should appreciate that your dh will be thinking the same. xxx

This really must be the ultimate.....

My MIL has just emailed that her friend's grandson had just been born and that both her friend and the DIL's mother were there in the delivery room and that 11 people were waiting outside to hold the baby.

I know I am the one saying that I would like to see a grandchild early on but that is ludicrous!! The poor mother!!

I think it really depends on your upbringing. With my Italian friends, every family member was around at some point day and night and the couple say they couldn?t have coped without that support. Although my hippy friends said no visits from anyone except from the midwife for the first month for bonding reasons. You just need to lay down the law. If things get hairy with people around, tell them it?s time to go. If you need someone, ring them and tell them to get there ass over to your place. Everyone understands.

Ps? I would love my MIL to be there to help me out more so than my mother. No offence mom.

I'm astonished at the posts suggesting that because someone wants to see her mother who she seems to love in preference to her MIL who she has told us is 'blunt' (I think this is probably code for 'rude and unhelpful') she is somehow being an ungrateful selfish person, who can't be arsed to put herself out (for someone who she doesn't like much anyway)!

FWIW, I had got on reasonably well with my MIL before the birth of my daughter. As soon as my daughter arrived, I hated her. I didn't hate her because she wasn't my mum. I hated her because she was pushy and unhelpful and full of self-centred martyrdom (oh look, I'm doing the washing up, how kind I am - FFS, WE HAVE A DISHWASHER).

My parents in law came to see us in the hospital and they came to see us on the day we came home and they came and they came and they wouldn't bloody go away. When they held my daughter in a way that made her cry, they wouldn't listen to me when I told them why she was crying. When they brought lunch, they just ate it and couldn't be arsed to put their plates in the dishwasher (nobody was expecting them to do actual housework). When they came, they wanted to hold my daughter constantly while I made tea and stacked the dishwasher. While I see that they loved her and wanted to be close to her, I am her mother and it was a hundred times more important for me to hold her than anyone else in the world. In the end, we just told everyone to bugger off and leave us to it.

If your parents in law are nice, sensitive, kind people, by all means have them round however often they want to come. However, if they're a PITA, tell them to stay away until you are ready. One week won't be the end of the world and it might make you feel a lot better as by then you will be much more confident as a mother and able to stick up for yourself a bit more.

I find all the mothers of sons (Abbey in particular) worrying about how they'll never get to see their grandchildren a bit weird. All you have to do is be nice to your DIL, surely? Behave like a normal person, bring food, make your own tea, tidy up after yourself, offer advice only if asked etc etc etc. And, er, just accept that most women are more likely to want to see their mothers than their MILs at this time, unless their own mothers are a nightmare of course.

By the time my daughter was 7 months old, PILs were constantly whinging about 'can't she have a little sugar on her fruit' etc. I really dislike them both. They don't listen to me and, more importantly, they don't listen to my daughter. Their behaviour after her birth definitely heralded what was to come!

I didn't used to worry about it at all lucicle until I came on here and read the many negative posts about MIL! I may well never have any grandchildren anyway, and I am sure that I would actually have a good relationship- it is just a niggle at the back of my mind when I read some of the posts. It would be nice to hear from more people like me who actually like their in laws! I suppose the problem is people don't mention when it works well-just when they want to vent frustrations.

I suppose the problem is people don't mention when it works well-just when they want to vent frustrations

I'm sure this is right. If it helps at all, I know lots of people who really like their in-laws. Not me, unfortunately. I think it's a pity, as I would have liked to like them, if that makes sense. I tried.

I think that I will just have to stop reading MIL threads!!

Only read OP, but yanbu.
When I had DS2, DH & I agreed on when we would have visitors.
People could visit me in hospital as there were set visiting times and they could only stay a short while.
No visitors during the week when we were back at home unless they had phoned first and we had agreed they could come round.
Between certain hours over the weekend people were invited to come and see us.
But that was it, if you came round out of those times, you wouldn't have been let in

No, read the MIL threads and we can all remember how not to behave when we have DILs!

No definitely giving up! We just have to accept that we are all different, what is reasonable to some isn't to others. Burstingbug has a very different style to me-I would find it too controlling and unfriendly- but then I haven't had the experience of inconsiderate visitors who outstay their welcome so I suppose that I have to count myself lucky!