AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

It can take up to 50 minutes to breast feed a baby of this age and that would be considered normal. Great for you, your babies fed in 30 👏👏👏

But surley you knew that when you got pregnant, none of this is your MIL fault you are both grown ups so move out and act like it

Ultimately, you decided to move into someone else’s house. If you think their rules are unrealistic or unreasonable, then you need to move out. If you can’t afford to do that, then unfortunately, you need to keep on the good side of the person whose home you’re living in.

If she's not in just use whatever dishwasher setting you want.

Not being catty or judgmental because I don’t know your reasons as to why you have had a baby without your own house but you need to make finding your own place a priority along with asking DH to step up. You’re breastfeeding, you need your energy, to be eating and drinking regularly to be able to feed your baby. Stuff the roast. I think it came with good intentions and maybe to appease the monster in law but please stop. You need to be establishing a routine, getting used to having a newborn in your life and working as a team. This isn’t the way forward. My house was a shithole when we brought our babies home, worse the second time around as we had a toddler. Too much to expect this much from you. Your MIL should know better.

This post made me so sad. This ought to be the happiest, most euphoric time of your lives - planned or unplanned baby. In your situation I think I’d ask your partner to have a calm chat with his DM and explain that this is fast becoming untenable and why. If she can’t be more accommodating, welcoming and reasonable I would suggest you start looking for jobs in a much cheaper, out of London area and make a fresh start somewhere more affordable. She sounds like an OCD, miserable, begrudger. Cups in a sink? Seriously? She will see a whole lot less of her DGC but from the sounds of her that’s probably not a bad thing!

I’m struggling with how you don’t have time to breast feed but have time to make a bottle?? If you are wanting to breast feed you need to do it more consistently to get your supply otherwise you will not produce enough. That is if you are wanting to. I can’t understand why you are doing so much though if you only gave birth 2 weeks ago. You need to be resting and binding and doing those feeds.
is the house really that much of a mess???
it’s obviously not working living with the parents you need to get out as soon as you can.

You need to find somewhere else to live. It sounds like you've always been living with his parents and now you've saddled them with your baby 24/7. If you're in a position where you're unable to afford your own place and to financially raise your child independently - then suck it up. A crying baby is demanding. Unless it was their decision for you to procreate - then you have an added responsibility to make sure you both compensate for your crying, demanding bundle of joy. So with you both off work, add washing up to your daily chores. If you can't cope, sit down with your in-laws and work out what you can do to set eveyone's expectations.

For goodness sake! It’s a baby.
Yes you do need to rest but you both need to get in to the swing of managing basic housework, feeds, and life in general. You’re lucky, your DH is helping with the night feeds many mothers go home to no help at all and manage perfectly fine. Living with inlaws is difficult but essentially it is their house and you chose to give up your studio to live with them.

If you are only breastfeeding 2 times a day this will cause problems with your milk supply. At two weeks pp you should be resting, healing and breastfeeding, whilst your partner does the cooking etc. That's what his paternity leave is for. You feed the baby, and your partner should be looking after you. What exactly is he doing all day that he can't keep on top of the dishes etc? Stop letting other people take the baby whilst you cook a roast and make cup cakes.

As for MIL, she needs to have this conversation with her son, if he's incompetent, it's her own fault for not teaching him to do this stuff as he was growing up.

You’d be better off in your old studio flat. You really need very little space with a young baby.

I can't believe some of the responses here. The MIL sounds like an entitled, narcissistic cow. This is her grandchild, why is she not helping YOU a bit? You are paying rent, so make sure DP cleans up any small mess of yours, then go to your room shut the door in her face and breastfeed. Get takeaways and stop cooking for her. Start looking for a rental....

Hello MIL

I can’t believe some of the comments on here. Sure, it’s MIL’s house so her rules, but this one is expecting OP and her partner to be her servants. Her behaviour is nothing short of bullying, she should be supporting her DIL with the baby.

How much rent are you paying her? What will this money get you in a rental property?

How big is the bin?

The dishwasher might need rinse aid or salt topping up.

I don’t have a solution for your MIL other than to move out.

Your husband needs to tell his mum that he’s off to bond with baby and he’ll you, not to walk the dogs! When baby needs feeding you need to stop what you’re doing and feed them… hubby needs to take over what you were doing or that job waits!
he needs a word with MIL and tell her that right now he’s happy to clear up after you both but he is t there to be her dog sitter or cleaner and neither are you!!

You need to spend more time in your room again. Tell her the reason why! Say you want to feed baby without having chores found for you, DH needs to say he doesn’t want to be downstairs as she finds him things to do and he and you both need time to recover and bond! Maybe it needs to be pointed out to her that you’re both doing too much of her work when you’re meant to be resting and establishing routines with baby.
Let her walk her own bloody dogs, they’re her responsibility! Tell her you’re pay for a cleaner once a week if she doesn’t want to do it but you don’t have time!
you need to set some boundaries now or you’ll be doing everything alone when DH goes back to work!!
I know it hee home, but I disagree with PP that that somehow gives her the right to treat you like slaves! Your DH needs to say things like ‘Mum the holiday can wait… you can see @blueyavocado is feeding!!….. or actually when baby needs feeding I’d go to your room and feed and DH tells her it’s because you need some peace to do it and not to be given things to do!
I hope you can move out soon… maybe look at jobs and houses elsewhere away from London later on x
good luck and congrats

All the comments about what is the partner doing. Surely paternity leave is for partners is bond with their babies too. It sounds like that is what they are doing as new parents trying to establish a relationship with their baby and a new relationship with each other as parents now. Well done to you both. It is incredibly difficult to live in someone else's house.

Is it possible that now baby is here and with her own son being home for 2 weeks it’s just a tad more untidy than it usually is. She may chill out once he’s back at work. But your baby won’t stay a baby for long, there will be toys out soon, so she either needs to learn to cope with a little mess or you may need to move out sooner than planned for all of your Sanity.

I so feel for you :(

It does sound like a lot if pressure ! I understand you want to do 50/50 on the parenting and chores but trust me you would actually get more rest if you nurse baby on demand . Breastfeeding exclusively sounds daunting but in reality once you get the support from the feeding team , and you get the hang of it , it’s easy just to stick baby on and rest rest rest . Even at night you can stick the baby on to latch and you hardly even have to wake up ! This way you do get rest and people can’t demand chores off you . No shade to FF, if that’s what you prefer though , I hope you can move out soon . We moved from a nice flat in zone 2 to a family home in zone 6 , it takes time but is doable . X

She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

I don't understand this comment. You are in mat leave, DP is on pat leave and you don't have time to breast feed (which is, uf established the quickest and easiest way too feed a baby - no bottle prep etc.

I also dont get why you were booking a holiday. Weird financial priority in your circumstances.

ultimately, when you live with someone else, you adjust to their standards. I would focus on moving out! Your Mil is not the problem here.

@doppelganger2. I also dont get why you were booking a holiday. Weird financial priority in your circumstances

She was booking a holiday for the MIL