AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

Richmond is really expensive. You need to move to a one bed in a cheaper area. If that means finding new jobs as well then so be it.

I think between the two of you you should be able to manage caring for the baby and keeping the home reasonably tidy, at least tidying up after yourselves.

Sorry OP I read your thread but can’t work out if you want to BF or not.

We have a six month old and during DHs paternity he did all of the household chores and I essentially stayed in bed EBF on demand.

While I’m probably a few years older than you/got our own house/planned our baby I still felt a lot of pressure from my mum/MIL. Remarkable how they left hospital and went straight back to ironing shirts/cooking the dinners/doing the gardening. However they seem to forget that bottle feeding was promoted and BATCH made, spent a week in hospital recovering and they did have a lot more female support than they care to remember. I think there’s an element of the green-eyed monster as they had no support from their husbands…

Oh OP, I’m sorry you’re getting so many unhelpful and judgy comments. Your MIL sounds awful. I don’t care if it’s her house, she’s in the wrong.
People saying your partner should be doing more, keeping the house immaculate, you’d both have to clean up after yourselves if you had your own home blah blah blah. No you wouldn’t. You’d be able to choose how much and when you cleaned up. You’d be cleaning up after yourselves only, not walking other people’s dogs etc.
I’m so mad that this is your FTM experience. Do you want to breastfeed? If you do, then please, I I urge you to seek out feeding support pronto. At 2 weeks you can still pull this back. But you’ll need to go back to basics, breastfeed on demand and do very little wise for a few weeks.
Just because you’re living in her house does not mean your little family of 3 have to dance to her tune. If it were me, I’d ask partner to tell her that you will both be focusing on baby/you for the next few weeks. You’ll clean up after yourselves and help with chores, but you’d like the space to choose when you do that. If she has any issues, please can she have a quiet word with her son, as you really need to focus on breastfeeding etc. People like her need to be stood up to.
best wishes to you and congrats!

Also, OP, I got really stressed out after my 2nd kid with non-family related stuff and this really decreased my supply. So, like this poster says, it’s really important actually for you partner to take care of everything else so you focus on your supply and bonding (if that’s what you choose to do of course).

I’d be telling mother in law to talk to the hand by the time you have expressed and sterilised bottles you could have breast fed the baby is her grandchild she needs to be reminded her son wasn’t born an adult

It sounds like your MIL is regretting offering to have so many people in the house, or she expects you and her son to be her slaves in return.

You've gotten yourself into a difficult situation if you can't afford to rent and pay for childcare. Do you have a timeline of how long you'll need to stay there before you can move out? It doesn't sound like it's going to be possible to stay for long.

I commuted from Hastings on the Sussex coast to work in the City of London in 1 hour and 40 mins. You could live further out of London and still commute to work.

We can assume you are living with your partner's parents because you can not afford to live on your own and decided to bring a child into the situation. Is that correct? Or did you lose your home to some unforeseen tragedy and ended up there because ....? Either way, you should not be there if it is causing your MIL distress. She may be a person who can barely tolerate an unkempt home due to whatever reasons- anxiety, cultural expectations, immaturity, etc. No matter the reason, get out because it is her home and not yours and you probably should not have even considered being there and made better plans for yourselves. Instead you moved forward with having a child while dependent on other adults to house you. You are not correct to declare yourself the victim here. Your partner is obviously slacking as well as you are in the financial end of thing (dependent on adult parents for housing) and he is slacking in helping with the household chores and you are defending him while making MIL, his mother, out to be the enemy.

As a mother who breastfed twice, I did a lot of chores while my children where in a sling happily nursing. I accomplished so much my working partner had literally no chores. I was not on the internet perusing social media or other forums. There was only time for nurturing my child and performing my obligations to the family with regards to the household.

Perhaps MIL is pissed off that two adults who can't afford a home of their own would bring a child into the world and can't get off that to enjoy her grandchild and can't express that for fear of burning bridges (and shouldn't since the poor choices had already been made by her son and you, his accomplice) Or perhaps her husband is using her as the voice and expressing his displeasure at having the home disrupted through her- happens a lot and it's the messenger who gets the blame. I remember my husband greatly disliking a DIL and refusing to go to events and she assumed he didn't come because he disliked me- a great leap of imagination that somehow must of suited some need of hers at that time. She later found out of his dislike and not mine when our son and she divorced over disagreements about whether to have children or not. and he let her have an earful. I genuinely liked her and grew to love her and thought she was a kind, intelligent loving person. My husband felt she was standoffish and cold hearted because she didn't seek to hang out as a family as often as he would of liked, which I felt was an immature response but one he was of course allowed as he gets to be his own person in our marriage.

You two have intruded upon your partner's family and are slacking off, using having a newborn as an excuse. I suggest you examine your own behavior and lack of accountability, stop the whining and work on maturing your attitude to be less victim and be more proactive towards gaining financial stability your lives for the sake of your child and any extended family members. It appears you both feel entitled to live with his parents and that is showing in your attitude and behavior. I don't care if it cost a lot to live where you do. It costs a lot to live most places where there are jobs and many people refrain from having children until they can well afford to do so and have savings in the bank and their own abode. If the mature lose their housing during a pregnancy and have to move back home, they bend over backwards to keep the home clean as an act of appreciation and not leave any cups in the sink for another adult to come home to- That's just pure disrespect. Baking cupcakes and a roast does not make up for that. You are clearly unable to see the negative contributions you and your partner bring to your own failures at adulting. Find those and grow your willingness for each to take responsibility for your actions instead of blaming others and your outcomes might certainly be better for the entire family.

Her house, her rules. You need to move out asap otherwise you will have to put up with it. I couldn't live with my in laws if you paid me and we get on well.

Op congratulations on the baby and hope ye get to move out soon. Tbh if you still have the apartment a one bed is fine until your baby needs their own room x Hope your husband is ok after the operation. Congratulations again!

akasalishsea
you can read the op’s replies if you look at ‘see all’ on her post. She explained it all.

@blueyavocado YANBU

basically, the size of FUCK OFF you should give your MIL is so immense that it can be seen from space.

you’d be better off in your studio than living with this woman.

tell her you’re focusing on your baby, and cups can wait. You will feed your baby how you like, and just get into the best routine you can, whenever you can, and to back off otherwise she has a real risk of causing PND and serious and long lasting grudges. You’re doing the best you can and that is all you can do.

Feed your baby before anything or anyone else, everything else can wait.

If you want to bf you should not be giving bottles as your milk supply will dry up. I understand you need to rest but not 24/7. Your partner and you can do the cooking and cleaning up after yourselves as well as caring for the baby especially if the baby is quite chilled. How much time does the dog walking take up?

Prioritise moving out but if she is charging you rent then that will be awkward. How much is she charging you and are you buying your own food? Yes she sounds like she likes an immaculate house which is not conducive with four adults, dogs and a newborn. It is her house though.

Have a conversation with her saying it is not working out and can she forego the rent so you can move out quicker? You will need to move to a cheaper area and go for a one bed.

did she ask you to make cupcakes and do a roast? If not then I would also find it irritating to come in and find my kitchen like then with a meal I didn’t ask for.

Sit on the sofa to feed, or when she is home feed in your bedroom while reading and watching tv and let your husband do more. It’s her home and provably quite stressful for her. I am sorry she is taking this stress out on you. Just tidy up after yourselves and baby. It’s not hard for two adults to care for a baby and keep a home clean.

@akasalishsea bloody hell, sounds like you’ve got your own work to do. What an odd post, starting off by insulting the OP, then slipping in a little memoir 🥱 and then back to the insults again.

If you’re looking for validation with that very braggy and looonng post - which was mostly about praising yourself - then well done… I guess 🤷‍♀️ 👏

Yes there needs to be a conversation here. Of course OP should be prioritising herself and her baby but there's another able-bodied adult in the house, it isn't unreasonable to expect the parent who is not feeding to be doing something else helpful/useful.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am currently the 'MIL' (actually DM) in a very similar situation. I couldn't care less about baby clutter and baby noise, they happen because it's a baby! But if my daughter's boyfriend told me to fuck off in my own house @MzHz he'd be invited to leave pretty quickly. I think OP needs to be a bit more diplomatic than that.

"Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves." This I completely agree with. However you say - "WE are helping out with the cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough." Many couples don't move in with parents when baby is born, they just go back to their homes. This all sounds like stuff a couple with a new baby would manage from the moment they got home because it would be disgusting/bad for them and the baby not to. If you lived by yourselves YOU would have been just DOING this stuff, NOT "HELPING" with it. Unless you moved in with MIL because she agreed to wait on you all the time, or you are particularly unwell after birth, this is all stuff you could do - stop being lazy and get on with it.

I think if my daughter in law cooked me a roast because my son could not cook two weeks after blessing me with a gc I think I'd have the good grace to go easy on plates.

I think OP quite obviously is referring to doing things she wouldn’t have to do at home to be helpful guests. As she mentioned, the dog isn’t hers and she wouldn’t be cooking/doing laundry for 4 adults. I very much doubt OP is complaining about tidying up after herself! She is saying even though she’s doing all these things, it doesn’t seem to placate her MIL. But it seems some will take a lot out of context to displace their own rage?

Btw, would any of the posters calling OP lazy really say this to a new mum who is 2 weeks PP in real life? Or do you just feel because you’re using an anonymous name and behind a screen you can try and make someone feel like shit? Genuine question.

What is wrong with half of these responses?!

DP should ALSO be bonding with and caring for the baby for a start.
MIL is being highly unreasonable. Baking is definitely not a requirement so pack that in.
Roast dinner is a big ask for new parents. Just say no, I don't care if its her house. Do what is reasonable, don't be slobs but you're not their maid. And neither is DP - he gets TWO weeks!

Jesus Christ, 3 weeks into parenthood I barely knew my own name I was so exhausted

so what if the house slips a bit, @blueyavocado is 100% justified in focusing on the baby, that really is all that’s important

Bugger the teacups

I found the early newborn stage quite overwhelming and I completely understand your defensiveness of your partner. It’s nice you feel so supported by them, I was so grateful for everything my partner did at the beginning. Nice to be a little team. It seems like maybe potentially you’re not managing this as efficiently as you could be. If your partner (and I’m guessing you also) is awake all night with baby, maybe you could sort out some shifts. We do, him bedtime -midnight, me midnight to 6am, him 6am to 9am. So he gets a decent stint of sleep then during the day he can do endless washing, tidying etc. I exclusively BF and on his shifts he’d just bring baby to me and I’d feed but he’d do everything else. If you weren’t living with MiL list of tasks would be longer I’m sure of it. Try to see the positives, living anywhere rent free in London is amazing. I’m sure it’s allowing you to take a longer stint of Mat Leave as you’re not forking out £2000 in rent/mortgage. Remember this time when your totally exhausted is only a short time your partner should be able to suck it up and do all the household tasks that your MIL expects and it will get easier.
PS I’m new to mums net I don’t understand all the people codes, especially being dyslexic so please forgive me

I’m sorry your dp’s mother is so awful and unfortunate the only way you can escape her is to move out because she’s just going to hold it over your head that you’re living in her house. Your dp will have to be the one to put his foot down because you’ll be seen as the problem even though you’ve just had a baby and are doing your best.