AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

@blueyavocado

why wouldn’t she have wanted to go out op?

not to a carvery type place but a nice Sunday dinner type place.

I’m glad for you that your baby (if you had one) was easy going and that you breast fed with few issues (if you breast fed) and that your birth was straightforward.
Otherwise you would not make such an ignorant remark.
Many women need a lot of rest in the first couple of weeks and if it’s your first and you are getting to grips with breastfeeding in particular. Some babies are tricky to get going breastfeeding. Some lose weight or cluster feed every half hour round the clock for the first couple of weeks.
Why are women expected to jump up and carry on when they have just birthed a new human and now are feeding him/ her (with the expectation of exclusively feeding.)
Why do women belittle other women as this poster has if they want and plan for some time to rest and recuperate. Really really sad.
OP you have 3 adults who are able to help. All hands should be on deck to support you and the baby, particularly in the first 2 weeks. You should not be required to lift a finger except to see to the babies needs and to recover yourself.
End of.
No cooking, no cleaning, no responding to demands. Nothing should have been asked if you. I don’t care you are living in MIL house. To me that makes it even worse as MIL is there, on hand to help - she even said you should come and live there in the first place.
Atrocious behaviour.

Sounds pretty normal for anyone with more than one child, DD2 was born Monday morning. Weds morning I was taking DD1 to playgroup and doing the shopping while she was there. ( she was a PITA in supermarket)

No paternity leave or online shopping then lol

It may not be the most beautiful area but have a look near Hatton Cross/Bedfont Village (I live near there). Easy for DH to get a bus to Richmond (or drive if he wants to/can) and you can easily get the Piccadilly Line to King’s Cross. Much cheaper area and loads of transport links.

This.

I’ve heard this from so many MIL’s. My Mum also says this type of stuff, but what she forgets is that she didn’t bond well with her children (thankfully we have a lovely bond now after loads of convos). You can probably see first hand where her priorities lie, OP. She’d rather everything in constant order than for you to bond with your bubs. But please remember, you can’t get these early days back and they are so very precious. Yes its her house and all that, but you also mention you are paying rent whilst staying with her, surely you should get some semblance of peace. How is FIL about all this?

MIL is projecting onto you, I’m sure she too would have liked to have a different experience with her kids.

You’re getting a really hard time on here OP. Congratulations on your DC! My Mum and MIL took time off to come and help us at this stage post partum. I think she sounds unreasonable especially if you had both successfully met her standards before hand. She should extend you some grace.

That being said, I know it’s expensive, but having your own place is invaluable. In the most respectful way, young families do not live in Richmond, unless they have great incomes. If you move further out, even just 15/20 minutes, the rents are cheaper and you can still benefit from the Waterloo trains.

But then still perhaps she should not be creating even more mess in the kitchen by making cupcakes. Yes she should be recovering but her idle partner should be emptying the dishwasher and washing cups.

Yep that’s what I said.

And they'll probably get thrown out.

I agree with the majority; your job is to recover from your delivery and establish feeding. You are living with your ils so need to fit in with their standards . Your DH is being very unreasonable if he has reverted to teenaged child mode and isn't picking up the domestic chores. Before long you will be able to offer more time to get things done in the house . If you were living in your own home the chores would still need to be done.

If your MIL likes her house to remain immaculate, and you are living in her house, then I'm afraid it doesn't really matter whether you think her expectations are 'reasonable' because you are living in her home and you need to respect her rules.

Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves

But you are living in someone else's house so you are bound by their priorities as well as your own.

You and your partner got you pregnant by accident while living in a studio flat, and can't afford anything else. Your in-laws have kindly provided you with accommodation, which they were in no way obliged to do. You are in a 'beggars can't be choosers' situation right now and you need to either suck it up and stick to your MIL's exacting standards, or find an alternative arrangement.

Congratulations on your baby. You and your partner sound like brilliant parents, doing everything right for your baby and for yourselves and also trying hard to help your mil with her housework, dogs, chores and god knows what else.

Unfortunately your mil sounds like hard work and I hope you are able to find somewhere else to live very soon.

I wonder who will do all her skivvying and running after her when you move out with her son. I also feel sorry for her husband.

You need to move out to your own place
Here’s some two beds up to 3miles away from you OP, much less than £2000pcm.

Think of the long term gains. If you WANT to exclusively breastfeed (if not then disregard everything I’m about to say) then it will be much quicker and easier than formula feeding once it clicks. But you have to put in the time now. Stop sharing baby duties and doing housework. Focus on feeding and feeding alone. Housework is a DP job for now. All you are doing at the moment is sharing baby AND housework. So just take one main job each.

She's right, it is ridiculous.

Move out ASAP!

Mother-in-law sounds like a nutcase personality disordered person but you are living under her roof and you will have to abide by her terms and conditions.

Why don't you look for a flat nearer work, Richmond prices are extortionate.

Well then you need to live outside of London - NHS has hospitals everywhere. It’s untenable - you have to move to a cheaper place

Move to Wood Green or similar then

There are lots of places you could live within commuting distance of Richmond and Kings Cross that aren't £2k a month. If you're willing to move jobs even better.

Living with MIL clearly isn't working - you need to move out.

I really don't understand - I had premature twins who needing feeding every two hours - what on earth are two adults doing for 24 hrs a day with a chilled out baby who feeds every 3 hours roughly that the cups in the sink are too much to do? I mean only one person can feed and hold a baby at any given time - and there are two of you.

Your baby might be chilled out now but as they get stronger they can cry more / fight sleep. I think you need to look at moving out its unfortunately not going to get better and may get worse.

Some of the comments on here are ‘shocking’! OP you are doing your best. You’re having to deal with just having a baby, recovering, MIL breathing down your neck at every given chance. Instead of moaning at you why don’t she offer some support. Having a baby isn’t easy. Obviously your DH wants to help, which is wonderful, some men don’t bother, so hats off to him for being a hands on dad. Try not to do too much, you’re still in recovery, and need to rest too. Your MIL seems like she’s too demanding and perhaps isn’t happy you’re living under her roof full time, but that’s the situation as it is, and she’s got to stop complaining. All those saying ‘move out, get your own place’ it’s not always that easy! Some people do have to rely on other family, that’s what families do. You don’t know their financial circumstances.

This poor lady is no doubt all over the place after having a baby, she probably don’t know if she’s coming or going, trying to please everyone. She sounds like she needs a break. they all need to cut her some slack. Yes if she had her own place she would need to clean and tidy, but it would be at her own leisure, no one breathing down her neck all day. The MIL needs to chill out. What’s a few cups! Maybe instead of moaning, cuddle her grandchild…enjoy them being there and helping more. 🙄