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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

230 replies

blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 22:34

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

OP posts:
p1ppyL0ngstocking · 10/03/2024 23:09

If she was coming into your house and making those comments, it would be outrageous.

But your MIL currently has 2 adults and a new baby living in her house and comes home to a bomb site of a kitchen, the sink full, the bin not emptied and the two of you have been home all day. She picks out her own son as having been the lazy one in this scenario (& presumably she knows if her own son is lazy or not), so I'd say she's quite justified in doing this.

You really need to get your own place because then you can set your own standards and live by them.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:11

TwylaSands · 10/03/2024 22:37

Why are you living with your partner‘s parents?

Baby was unplanned , I was living in a one bedroom studio and his parents said that we should live with them until we have enough money to move out. We live in an affluent area of London both work hard but it's so hard to rent or get on the properly ladder. You are looking at 2000pounds Plus a month to rent a flat here

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:11

ColourMeBlue · 10/03/2024 22:41

You give birth two weeks ago?Why are you making her cupcakes and a roast?You need to be relaxing,bonding,and healing.You are doing way to much.

I thought it would be nice to do for her to Mother's Day

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 10/03/2024 23:12

blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:11

Baby was unplanned , I was living in a one bedroom studio and his parents said that we should live with them until we have enough money to move out. We live in an affluent area of London both work hard but it's so hard to rent or get on the properly ladder. You are looking at 2000pounds Plus a month to rent a flat here

Show quote history

That really doesn’t explain why you gave up your flat. Does this also mean your partner was still living with his parents? How old are you?

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:12

Pippa12 · 10/03/2024 22:42

Gently, I’d of unpacked the dishwasher, washed the cups and emptied the bin before I started making cupcakes and preparing a roast.

If you live in somebody else’s home it doesn’t really matter if you deem their standards ‘too high’, you have no choice but to abide by them.

I imagine you’re saving up so you can stand on your own two feet? Until then, you’ll have to comply.

I did unload the dish washer I put it on for a second wash at the dishes were not clean the first time and packed them away. Dp checked the cupboard and said they needed rehashing so put them in the sink and started washing them up

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 10/03/2024 23:13

blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:12

I did unload the dish washer I put it on for a second wash at the dishes were not clean the first time and packed them away. Dp checked the cupboard and said they needed rehashing so put them in the sink and started washing them up

Show quote history

Why didnt he finish washing them up?

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:14

TeaKitten · 10/03/2024 22:43

If you don’t have time to breast feed then your partner is not doing nearly enough OP. When are you moving out?

My partner is doing tonnes , he has been waking up in the night and looking after baby, he's been looking after MILs dogs and waking them , cleaning up, changing baby etc . Getting me drinks , snacks etc when needed

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 10/03/2024 23:16

@TeaKitten baking cupcakes and cooking a roast isn’t adding to the mess? My kitchen was a bomb site today after cooking a Sunday roast. However, I didn’t start cooking and baking knowing I had a baby to cluster feed and a DP that appears to not be pulling his weight?

This doesn’t add up at all. Either you’re deluded that your partner is ‘supportive’ or he isn’t pulling his weight whatsoever.

It really doesn’t take two adults to look after one baby. I can’t understand why you would be doing all this whilst complaining you ‘don’t have time’ to breastfeed?

Unfortunately, as harsh as it is, live in somebody else’s home it’s their rules.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:17

BreadInCaptivity · 10/03/2024 22:43

Where is your partner in all this (who's on paternity leave)?

Why is he not making dinner etc whilst you feed the baby?

The whole point of paternity leave is to support mum so she can look after baby and get into a routine....

DP has been very helpful , he's doing a lot. His mum seems to think he's off to help her and expecting him to take care of her dogs and do takes around the house etc

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:18

Overthebow · 10/03/2024 22:45

You shouldn’t be doing loads of housework if you’re trying to breastfeed, but there’s no reason your DH can’t. If you were living in your own place he’d have to do it all. One of you looks after the baby, one of you does the house work. You can both switch around if you prefer. Otherwise, get your own place instead of living with MIL.

We have been tag teaming , I also forgot to mention he had an operation on Friday

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 10/03/2024 23:19

Pippa12 · 10/03/2024 23:16

@TeaKitten baking cupcakes and cooking a roast isn’t adding to the mess? My kitchen was a bomb site today after cooking a Sunday roast. However, I didn’t start cooking and baking knowing I had a baby to cluster feed and a DP that appears to not be pulling his weight?

This doesn’t add up at all. Either you’re deluded that your partner is ‘supportive’ or he isn’t pulling his weight whatsoever.

It really doesn’t take two adults to look after one baby. I can’t understand why you would be doing all this whilst complaining you ‘don’t have time’ to breastfeed?

Unfortunately, as harsh as it is, live in somebody else’s home it’s their rules.

Not sure why you’ve aimed those questions at me, I agreed cupcakes obviously isn’t a priority and my point was it’s the DP not doing enough to please his mother, not OP.

Although im struggling to understand why she gave up her flat to move in with her MIL in order to save up to move out… I imagine OP has regrets about that.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/03/2024 23:19

To be honest op, when DS was born, DH didn't get paternity leave, he had the first week off, my mother came for the second. I breastfed endlessly. However I was on my own after the first fortnight and managed to breastfeed, bung the washing in the machine, hang it up, load the dishwasher and prepare simple meals and keep the house pretty tidy. It was hard but doable.

When dd came along, ds was the hard work, the baby was like having another handbag and I still managed to breastfeed. DH got a bit sick of cooked chicken, coleslaw, new potatoes and bagged salad!!

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:20

mitogoshi · 10/03/2024 22:47

Why don't you look after the baby and your dp does the household tasks? It doesn't take two to care for a baby.

We both care for baby and we both do the house work , we have been doing a tag teaming effort

OP posts:
Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:22

PonyPatter44 · 10/03/2024 22:48

Why isn't your DP pulling his weight properly? He should be doing the bulk of the housework and cooking, and letting you rest and care for the baby.

Before I gave birth his plan was for me to rest in bed with baby whilst he was off for two weeks and he would take care of everything else , MIL said that it's ridiculous

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 10/03/2024 23:23

Resting in bed with the baby and feeding on demand is exactly what you should be doing.

Original poster
blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:24

Spirallingdownwards · 10/03/2024 22:56

So it's your DH/DP that is the issue. He is on paternity leave and should be doing all these things while you tend to the baby. If you are living at MILs then he should be ensuring that as a couple you aren't overstepping and it is entirely on him to ensure that your (as a couple) share of chores etc are being done and done properly at this time.

I suspect very much that MIL is also disturbed and lacking sleep with a young baby in the house. It is on your DH to make things run smoothly and to help you recuperate post partum

We have both been tending to the baby and doing the chores. MILs sleep isn't disturbed as we have a very chilled out baby, he wakes every 3 hours with a small cry for a feed, cuddle and nappy change. The midwife even commented on how relaxed and chilled out he is

OP posts:
Zerotoleranceforgoats · 10/03/2024 23:24

If you think MiL is demanding, you wait until you have a second child.

Youre living with her, you follow her rule, if you’re not keen, move out.

Zerotoleranceforgoats · 10/03/2024 23:25

Two adults and one baby can manage some cupcakes and dishes ffs!

Rosaofthevalley · 10/03/2024 23:25

Harsh as it may be, You’re the guests, baby or not.
It really doesn’t take two people to look after a baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2024 23:27

blueyavocado · 10/03/2024 23:24

We have both been tending to the baby and doing the chores. MILs sleep isn't disturbed as we have a very chilled out baby, he wakes every 3 hours with a small cry for a feed, cuddle and nappy change. The midwife even commented on how relaxed and chilled out he is

Show quote history

Then why was DP exhausted from being up all night feeding and changing him? So exhausted he hasn’t finished the washing up?

This is lacking consistency.

BreadInCaptivity · 10/03/2024 23:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/03/2024 23:02

You need to be feeding at night. It’s important for upping and regulating your supply. If you’re going to breastfed (because YOU want to, your MIL’s opinion is irrelevant) you need to focus on that and let your partner do the housework. Why was he up all night feeding and changing the baby? You need to be feeding on demand, resting, eating well, drinking lots of water.

Baking and making a roast today was ridiculous. If that stuff needed to be done he should have done it.

I’ll leave the why are you living there stuff aside. There’s one baby and two of you. You should be resting, recovering, feeding. He needs to do everything else. He’s not being a good support to you from what I read.

Yes the BF at night is important to raise.

6pence · 10/03/2024 23:29

You need to find a way to move out. I couldn’t live under that pressure.

JMSA · 10/03/2024 23:32

But you'd need to be cleaning up after yourselves if you were in your own place anyway.

Congratulations on your new baby though! Flowers

beAsensible1 · 10/03/2024 23:33

If baby is easy, your dp needs to plan his time better. He should make breakfast for you while you BF, you eat he cuddles baby, rinse repeat throughout the day.

If he’s off it really shouldn’t be too much, you can all go out for a walk with the dog if you’re so inclined.

Either way MIL isn’t extreme to expect to DP to keep up with the household stuff.
it might be helpful to work out routine between the two of you so you can get the time to focus on BF while he keeps to his mums standards.

its not an insurmountable problem, just a little planning is needed

saraclara · 10/03/2024 23:33

If you were living in your own house, there's be a hell of a lot more house work etc to be done. MIL (and PIL?) presumably do much of it, so you're spared most of it. You say that your DH is doing a lot, but the list doesn't sound all that much to me..

I agree that you should still be resting up a fair bit, but your DH would have to do much more if you were responsible for your own house. So at a minimum the kitchen should be tidy and everything that the two of you use put away.

It's hard living with other people. I'm guessing that though your PILs wanted to help, they're finding it harder than they imagined.
When you do have your own home, do you think you'd cope with them moving in? Never mind with a new baby attached to the deal?