AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

Why did you have to wash up the dishes 3 times???

It all sounds utterly chaotic.

Either your MIL is a nasty cow who despite her DS having surgery on Friday, wants a domestic servant to fetch and carry as she pleases

OR

she is fed up having two adults in the house, one of whom dumps a whole load of items in the sink without bothering to wash them up and doesn’t take a full bin out.

I suspect the truth is that she is also suffering from baby related broken sleep, thinks your DH is taking the piss and would just like to have her home respected

Is 1964 your date of birth?

And did you miss that the OP’s partner had an operation on Friday and the OP was cooking cupcakes and a roast on Sunday because she thought it would be a nice thing to do for MIL on Mother’s Day?

Some interesting posts
LAYING IN, after having a baby was something that happened in Victorian times. You don't lay in bed even after a CS, because of the risk of blood clots. No paternity leave with mine, youngest 32, a weeks a/l then DH is back to work. I breast fed. After the week,back to normal. Older kids to take to school and walk the dog.. I must admit when my older DDs come round, they make a mess, their places are really untidy, I couldn't live with either of them!

Reading all OP’s posts, the MIL was expecting a couple with a two week old baby to focus on giving her a treat on Mothers Day with no thought to it being OP’s first Mothers Day too (from OP’s later post that this was clearly the expectation). And then she comes back and complains about the kitchen not being 100% clean.
Also thinks that DP’s paternity leave should be spent doing jobs for her, not caring for the new mother and baby and enabling her to breastfeed if she wants.

Don't understand why you make cupcakes over general stuff like washing up etc. maybe time for your own place. I can see both sides of this op sorry. You would have been more relaxed in your own house and just had those amazing new born baby hugs

It sounds to me as if your MIL’s expectations are a bit high yes. She doesn’t sound too understanding of your situation as very new parents trying to find your own way.
Is it possible she is trying to lay ground rules for later on ..starting as she means things to go on ?

You were kind to think of making a roast and cup cakes for her for Mother’s Day but maybe she would have preferred to come home to a clean, tidy and calm kitchen instead, if that’s more important to her. You need to find out exactly what is important to her.

You are paying rent so I think it’s best to have a proper chat with her before things deteriorate further as it seems you really need to rely on her generosity for a good while yet until you can find your own home.

Find out what her expectations are and discuss how reasonable or unreasonable you find them and why, - so that you eventually come to an agreement you know you can stick to, especially when your partner goes back to work and isn’t around to support you.

Good luck with your new baby !

I really don’t understand those saying you’d have to do the housework if it was your own house.

I don’t know any new parents who have immaculate houses, or who give a shit about a few mugs in the sink. When you have a new baby, everyone - midwives, health visitors, friends, say to not worry about the housework, do the bare minimum that needs to be done, and to focus on yourself and baby.

It sounds like your MIL expects a showhome style level of cleanliness and for you and DP to be picking up the brunt of it, despite having a tiny baby.

If an OP with a tiny newborn came on here saying her DH was coming home from work and kicking off about a few mugs in the sink, and how she was struggling to breastfeed more than twice a day due to the expectations on her to keep a spotless home, she’d be told to LTB. Yet it’s MIL asking this of her, so it’s fine and she should pull her finger out and stop being lazy…

I did miss the bit about the operation. Was it an emergency operation or scheduled. If I was his mother I would be pissed off too. Can't organise s home for himself and his growing family. Has s baby despite being homeless. If he scheduled operation for maternity leave!!! Maybe MIL knows he's a lazy git and hoped being a father would change him.

Before baby was born we spent all our time in our bedroom and used to come down to help out with cooking, cleaning etc. MIL told us not to spend all our time in our room when we have baby, so we've been spending more time downstairs but it feels like we are getting in the way. It feels like a no win situation

It wasn't doable , it was basically a bed sit barely suitable for one person

Move out, why are you living there? And why are you making a roast?

We clean up after ourselves but end up doing it for everyone else as well. I cooked the roast as she wanted something done for Mother's Day but we knew she wouldn't want to go out , DP probably could have cooked her a roast but it would have been a disaster

This

OK sure your previous place was not suitable. Maybe you can look for a small 1 bed? I guess my point is unfortunately for you, doesn't matter if she is BU, this is how it is at hers. So only options are to put up or move out.
It sucks I'm sorry

Near Richmond upon Thames

If she doesn't have what she wants immediately she gets angry. For example with the dogs if my partner or FIL hasn't walked them at a time that suits her she will go on an on about it for hours. And her very abusive and angry. If someone puts the dishwasher on the wrong setting she will get angry.

She goes on about how she did it all alone , her husband only had a week paternity leave , she kept the house immaculate, nursed her babies and went back to work at 11 weeks post baby. Went on maternity leave 6 days before she was rue

I wouldn't be doing any cooking at all. Stock up on healthy ready meals if no one is willing to cook for you, and everyone else can fend for themselves. Less washing up with ready meals too.

I would also strongly consider getting an air bnb for a month or two for just you and your partner or moving in with your family if you can as you don't need that stress and nor does your MIL as she clearly can't cope with the disarray that comes with having a baby in the home and it's only going to get wilder as baby grows.

She's perfectly healthy , she does work hard but expects everyone to meet her expectations.

I'm planning on going back or to try and find a closer job in the nhs . It has to be in the NHS to keep my maternity pay.

Partner works Richmond and I work near King's Cross

The dish washer hadn't washed the plates properly, most likely because we aren't allowed to put it on any other setting than the express setting

Is there anyway you could maybe look a little further out of your area where prices would be more reasonable (but commutable). No judgement from me regarding your living arrangements (i know how tough property market is atm), just thinking that your own space might be less stressful for you at a time when you could do with some calm. Sounds like your head is constantly on alert with not just your LO and you're feeling on edge. Maybe a little space by living a little further out could help life with your LO be a bit more enjoyable and done your way.

Baby is fine he barely makes a noise at night either my partner or I get up immediate and sort him out .

You need to move out. This is no place to raise your child.
Any woman should be ashamed of themselves that another woman, 2 weeks post partum, felt she had to cook her a roast. I wouldn't let a woman 2w pp make me a bloody cuppa!

@blueyavocado I'm the mum in a similar situation (it's my own DD so relationship is probably slightly easier than OP's). DD and boyfriend had unplanned baby, now a few weeks old, and are living with us.

I would agree with your OP that your MIL's expectations are too high. DH and I do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning for the household and we certainly do not expect DD and boyfriend to cook and clean for everyone. Cooking a roast and making cupcakes for the whole family is ridiculous.

Also planning a holiday should be done to fit in with the baby's routine, not MIL's. Just say 'Im sorry MIL I'm not free at the moment, but when baby is next asleep I will have a look'.

But we do expect them to clean up after if they cook for themselves – they would probably leave stuff piled in the sink and I do not want to come down in the morning before work or get in from work to be confronted with a pile of dirty dishes when two able adults have been in the house all day. They are also responsible for washing baby clothes (we do family wash, including theirs) and for tidying up after their own mess (but not whole house). OP, I'm sorry but of course you or your DP have time to empty the bins.

So in short, your MIL is being unreasonable with her expectations, but not totally. Maybe a chat about what she expects and what you and your partner feel you can manage would help?