AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

The main question is Do you want to breastfeed? If you do, you need to concentrate on that. It’s normal for each feed to take an hour when your baby is so small. The evening cluster feeds & night feeds are really important for establishing your supply. Doing 2 feeds a day isn’t enough at this stage. Speak to your health visitor and no doubt she will tell you the same. If you would rather bottle feed, that’s fine, as long as it’s a decision you’ve made.

Bottom line is that you’ve had a baby you can’t afford with the lifestyle you previously had. The lifestyle has to go. You can’t afford to live in an affluent area of London anymore. You’ll have to get used to the fact that you’ll need to commute to your jobs if you work in that area and go and live in a cheap area. You’ll have to cut down on going out in affluent areas and whatever else you used to do. Time to move out and pay for yourselves.

Move out. Yes, London is expensive but there are loads of places other than London, even if it means a long commute for your DP.

If he has always lived with his parents, hasn't he saved up quite a bit by now? How old are you both?

Whilst your later posts do make it sound like your MIL is expecting a lot, if you are living there rent free/on a discounted rent maybe she feels like the housework and other jobs you guys do are in lieu of payment?

Either way, it's clearly not working for you, so make plans to move out ASAP.

why are you cooking and cleaning 2 weeks post partum with DP on paternity. It makes no sense, please rest

I know it sucks, but when it’s feeding time etc stick to your room. She can’t be distressing you when you’re trying to BF, that’s ridiculous.

Are you prepared for when DP is back at work? it might be best to batch cook and then you can just heat things up at meal times times while he’s out. For minimal mess, then be put at some baby groups for the day so you don’t have to deal with the drama.

We want to move out and trying to save up, my studio was just a box room with a kitchen totally inappropriate for 2 adults and a baby

Sounds like you live with her in which case YABU! Move out if you don’t want her nagging.

We pay rent to her
Also she kept going on about wanting something for Mother's Day. DP and I know she would prefer a home cooked meal opposed to going out so I cooked it whilst DP cared for baby

I already commute an hour and 40 to work normally to central north London

Your baby's health should come above housework. If you want to exclusively breastfeed do that and let your DP make the cupcakes and roast.

It sounds like a really tricky situation.

If you are staying there rent free then it's particularly difficult as she (and fil) are effectively doing you a massive favour.

She may be thinking that as you aren't paying rent it's reasonable to ask DH (not you) to help out with housework.

The standard solution is to move out, it that would presumably cost you a lot of money.

In which case if you are all going to be sharing a house, personally I'd be doing a lot of groundwork with mil about how important it is that you spend time with baby, look after baby, give baby the best start by breastfeeding etc.

You need to make a decision about whether you want to bf or do more housework for your MIL, stop this in between thing.

Next time she interrupts your feed have you tried taking the baby with you so it can scream in MIL's face while you help her? That might help her see sense.

To put it bluntly, you need to move out. Further away if where you're now is not affordable, but you need your own place.

No reason why your partner couldn't have done the washing up and emptied the bins, would have taken, what?, twenty minutes at the absolute most.

A bomb site of a kitchen because there are a few glasses in the sink and the bin needs emptying?! 😂

These replies are bonkers, on a site for mums, no less! The MIL INVITED them to live in her house, knowing they were going to have a new baby! Any loving grandparent would be insisting the son devoted his time to looking after his partner, while the grandparents do everything around the house for the first few weeks. Not piling extra pressure on them to sort the house out when they have a newborn!

OP - for breastfeeding to get properly established, you need to be doing it a lot, particularly overnight. So have a word with your partner. From now on, you solely do feeding the baby and looking after yourself. Your partner can do nappies and housework. Honestly, don't let MIL ruin these first couple of months, it's not on, regardless of where you are living (but I do agree with others, you should do whatever it takes to move out together as soon as you are able). Whilst it was kind of you to think of doing something nice for MIL for mother's day, don't forget she's not your mum, so that's not your responsbility! With a newborn it should have been enough for your DP to give her a card and some chocs/flowers.

Everyone saying the OP should be doing more - raise your standards for yourself! you shouldn't be anyone's servant when you have a new baby, you should be doing absolutely nothing except looking after yourself and your child(ren). Housework can get stuffed!

I can't believe some of the comments here. It's your MIL house. I would be annoyed if I came home to full bins and sinks full when there are 2 adults in the house. It literally takes max 1/2 hour to breastfeed a baby. I have breat fed all my kids. If you feel fragile and can't cope lie in bed all day resting and nesting with the baby and get Dp to do everything else.

I think you’re getting a hard time about the household and looking after baby split!

Getting your DP involved in baby’s care is great. It helps him also bond and it’s not solely the mother’s job.

Also not having time to breastfeed I completely get. I have an 8 week old. If she breastfeeds she takes 2 hours!! A bottle is 15-30 minutes so I pump a lot and feed her from the breast 1-2 times a day. I have a pump which is hands free so I can still help with baby and around the house.

I still stuck by my first post on this thread though you need to move out as you are guests in their house so have to live by their standards.

So entitled.

OP where are you living? An hour 40 mins commute if you are already in London seems a lot.

Hi OP, it sounds like whatever you do, MIL is going to (in your words) “demand” more. So I would say stop trying to meet those demands. 100% focus on the baby, and if she continues making demands of you while you’re doing that, your only response is “can you talk to DP about that, please.” She demands again, you say it again. As many times as it takes for her to hear you.

It is going to be difficult for all of you for the first few weeks, and honestly, nobody is in the wrong, so if moving out for now isn’t an option, you have to set boundaries that are reasonable.

No it's no justification but what culture?

To me personally it's irrelevant but seems to be an excuse to others

You have my sympathy, it is so hard living in someone else's house.
I am normally of the no-UPF, homemade bread, cook from scratch persuasion. However in your shoes priorities are feed the baby, keep the house clean. And clean kind of means looking like you don't live there. Keep clutter in your room. Cook the simplest meals possible, including convenience food. Yes you are paying rent but they are still doing you a huge favour allowing you to live in the home. Mil might be a bit controlling, so consider what she can have control over. The dogs, yes, the house, yes, how her grandchild is fed, nope. Without making a big deal or announcement, just spend more time in your room nursing. Instruct DH that this is the answer if anyone asks where you are - in our room, caring for baby. In our room, nursing.
That's how I'd play it, anyway. High boundaries, low drama.
If I am having too many demands on my time I do book people in. I can never decide if it is areseholey behaviour but it works. "Right now I'm feeding baby, then I'm taking a shower, I can help you book a holiday at 10." So you aren't saying "no" you are just scheduling your day!

if you are only feeding twice a day your supply is going to dwindle and at 2 weeks the baby will prefer the bottle. i don't understand the cluster feeding part of you are only feeding twice a day. Why isn't there time to feed your baby? i'm so confused

You sound so lovely. I am sorry that you have such a difficult MIL. Normally, I get sensitive about MIL bashing, but she seems to have zero empathy for you two as parents of a very young baby.

This sounds really hard OP and your MIL’s expectations are too high for a post partum mum and her post op son. My Mum would have been working really hard to care for you both. Probably to the extent of fussing. Is she incapacitated or frail in some way?

So I am guessing there is something else going on. Maybe she is feeling more daunted and overwhelmed than she expected having more than doubled the number of people in the house. Maybe she will always be unreasonable and demanding.

You have no choice but to try and navigate it for now. But I think it would be good to plan that by the end of maternity leave at the latest you have somewhere to live that is affordable and more easily commutable for your jobs. Are you planning on going back to work? It takes a while to get a nursery / childminder place so I would start sorting this. Paying for childcare for 3 hours travelling a day will be exhausting.

Tell us roughly where you and your partner work and we could make suggestions?

Lastly: I agree with PP: if you are breastfeeding you need to breastfeed at this early stage. Remove yourself and relax and take as long as it takes, as often as your baby asks.

It sounds as if you have managed being a Mum to your baby really well.

I hope things ease up.

Oh - your partner should check with his employer; time off for his op is sick leave so shouldn’t come off his paternity leave.