AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

2 weeks postpartum, you shouldn’t be doing much more than breastfeeding your baby. It’s basically an all consuming task at that age.

your husband on the other hand is supposed to be supporting you by taking care of all of life’s other tasks so you can focus on the baby. That includes bringing you food and water and cleaning the house. I don’t know what you are cooking a roast.

mil’s standards are a separate issue. It is her house so she really does get to set the standards. Your DH is the one who needs to meet them though. Again, you shouldn’t be doing housework. Your focus should be establishing breastfeeding and recuperating.

I think she’s being ridiculous but that’s irrelevant - you moved in with an unplanned pregnancy and have turned her home upside down. You’re in her space and if you don’t like it then you need to work on moving out.

Why are you living with his parents?

Your priority should be your baby - feeding and getting her to sleep. You rest and sleep when you can, and everything else comes second. The first few weeks are quite chaotic and everyone is tired, but usually they settle down and you have a rough routine in time. It sounds like feeding has been difficult and that makes a big difference. I was trying to establish mixed feeding and it's harder than doing one or the other. I just think it's hard trying to establish yourselves as parents with a MiL who wants to dictate what you're doing.

It's really up to your DH to discuss with MiL and come to some reasonable arrangement about who does what. ultimately, if she is unreasonable now, with a tiny newborn, she does not sound very sympathetic. Perhaps she was unrealistic about living with a new baby and it's more disruptive than she imagined. Try to negotiate an arrangement and get used to communicating with her - you will both need to, to make it work.

You're getting some harsh responses here. It sounds like MIL thinks her son has moved in to help her out and that you shouldn't need any support. I get that you're trying to tag team it all and share the load equally, but in these early weeks you need to be resting,.focusing on baby and establishing bf (if that's what you want) while DP should be supporting you - including by doing most of the housework, and if anyone needs to cook a roast (and they probably don't at this point) it should be him.

Oh, and please be mindful of contraception, OP.
The girl who does my brows has a 4 month old baby with her husband (they're only young though), and they moved in with his parents to save money.
She has accidentally fallen pregnant again!

DP needs to let her know he can’t help with extra jobs, but WILL make sure he cleans and tidies up after himself and you.

Kitchen was immaculate as I was cooking , the only thing not done at that point was the bin and DP had an operation on Friday so can't lift hesvg

That depends on the conditions of their stay. OP doesn't say if they're paying any contribution in this arrangement. If they're being put up and fed by the PILs, I think it's pretty reasonable that DP helps out occasionally.

We do but she's expecting extra , house is immaculate

He's ready lived with them, they are very much dependent on him to do other tasks around the house and help out

I was on contraception , this is none of your business

We do , but the expectation is that we do it for everyone . When I was cooking I was wiping the sides and putting stuff away. DP was popping in to feed , change his nappy and give him cuddles Baby stuff is all organised

@Ponderingwindow when dd was 8 days old, dh was back at work, MIL had gone home and I had to get DS to nursery at 9.15am!

@blueyavocado

I wasn't being rude. I was trying to be helpful. The girl I was talking about has a similar relationship with her MIL, and now feels even more trapped.
Anyway, I mentioned it in relation to possible future pregnancy, not the one you've just had!

Stop cooking and breastfeed your baby. It makes me really sad that you would choose to not breastfeed because you don’t feel you have time when you are living in a house with multiple adults and your only focus should be feeding and caring for your baby.

@blueyavocado why does MIL need you to book a holiday for her?? tell her to go to the travel agents!

My partner was trying to help her whilst I was feeding our baby, but she was demanding for me and getting angry . In the end I dnddd go not being able to feed him as I was too stressed

I told her that the other day, i said my priority is our baby and my partners priority is supporting me and caring for our baby.

It sounds like you’ve got to move out. I don’t understand why he didn’t move in with you when you got pregnant, that would have made much more sense. You say you both have good jobs, you’ll have to suck up the cost of renting your own place so you can get settled as a family of 3.

You don’t need a big place with a tiny baby. I’d rent a 1 bed asap. It sounds unbeatable and it’s very upsetting that you are being prevented from establishing breast feeding.

Could you stay with your parents for a bit

I think it's incredibly rude of people to make comments about contraception and telling OP to move out, unfortunately things aren't that simple. Understandably your MIL probably has the same expectations as she did of her son before baby, and yes you are living at her house but she should cut you both a little slack as you are now parents and just finding your feet the first few weeks aren't easy and she did offer for you both to move it so this was to be expected. You should BOTH be enjoying those first few weeks. Maybe have a chat with your partner and discuss telling your MIL how you both feel politely of course but hopefully that will settle her expectations and you can both come to some sort of agreement when it comes to the house if this is an option of course x

She invited all her friends over in the week after giving birth , so we never had much space with baby either on top of these expectations . I think she's very hard to satisfy even with my FIL she says he does nothing yet he does so much and never has down time on his days offf

My dads in a nursing home and my mum passed away as a teenager

So you can manage to cook yourselves big meals and bake treats but you can’t do minor chores or god forbid, answer questions about a holiday your MIL wants to take you on?