AIBU for thinking MIL's expectations are too high ?

[blueyavocado]

Basically I gave birth 2 weeks ago , partner is on paternity leave and is a massive support . Right now our priority is our baby and ourselves. We live with his parents

Baby is well looked after and is content and happy. But MIL is having high expectations from the both of us with regards to keeping the house immaculate. We are already looking after our baby and helping out with the ; cooking , dog walks , unloading the dishwasher , laundry , making the kitchen tidy etc but whatever we do is not enough.

Today I spent the morning making cupcakes for her and preparing a roast on top of trying to cluster feed a very fussy baby . My partner was supporting me, but she came home and immediately moaned about the sink being full of cups that we had to hand wash as the dishwasher hadn't cleaned them and the bin not being emptied. She moaned that my DP does nothing and I explained he had been up all night feeding and changing LO.

It's continuous, the other day she wanted to book a holiday and kept demanding for me , but I was in the middle of feeding out little one.

I just don't know what to do, AIBU? Or are her expectations to high? I feel like I've not even had a chance to recover. She keeps nagging me about exclusively breast feeding , but I don't have the time with everything she expects us to do. I'm only managing to breast feed him 2 times a day, the rest is bottle as it takes up a lot of time

Why would it be ridiculous? Ridiculous is if you upended this sensible plan because of a remark by your MIL. Is that also what's made the additional formula feeding necessary?

@blueyavocado Why on earth would you need to sit in bed for two weeks after having your baby? Did you have a C Section?

Ah! I’m sorry you haven’t got parental support. Something has to change for you. You won’t get this time back and it is so precious. I feel so sorry for the three of you.
if you can possibly afford get a rental. Your husband shouldn’t be running around after his parents but living in their house complicates things enormously.

Your MIL is awful 😞

Can you move out?
To be breast feeding, yet not breast feeding, would be tricky.

If I were you I would be staying in my room caring for the baby and breast feeding full time.
You husband could attend to all the household tasks and you both could take the pram out together every day.
Ignore MIL but keep her home how she requests.
When she makes personal demands, say no and if she persists ask whether she needs you to move out?

Make a time line for when you will move out.

Move at once. No matter the expensive or hassle peace is priceless

You saw the bit that said she gave birth 2 WEEKS ago right????

Your DH is expecting you to pitch in with chores. That equates to him being the issue.

Waking every 3 hours is disturbed sleep.

A good strategy for communal sink situations is to as a rule keep the sink empty

Instead of throwing items into the sink you simply stack any dishes/cups next to the sink

This allows the kitchen sink to remain functional for all parties & it also looks neater than having a bunch of cups marinating in the sink

For what it's worth, the time spent to wash several cups while making a roast would be minimal

Tidying up as you go is an ideal keep kitchen mess to a minimum & results in less work overall

Once you develop this routine you will find that keeping the sink clean becomes 2nd nature & that keeping the sink clear will naturally become part of your meal prep process

This is ridiculous. I ebf both of my kids and their dad was back at work the next day. With the second I also had a toddler. My house certainly wasn't a show home but I still managed some house work and basic cooking.

I think the Ops partner should be stepping up a little since he is on paternity leave because unfortunately when you are living in someone else's home you need to live to their standards. I also agree the cupcakes are just making extra work for yourself.

This.

Some of these messages baffle me. In bed for two weeks after the birth? Honestly, are the majority of people not up and about, functioning after two weeks? Is your partner not back at work soon? You say your baby is really chilled and only wakes every 3hours?

Probably best to sit down with your MIL and FIL and work out some boundaries. As much as you say babies stuff is neat, the house is immaculate and you don’t disturb them whatsoever it sounds like they (or your MIL) would relay a very different story. Perhaps she feels taken advantage of? Especially if she’s still working. Being told her DS cannot do ‘extra’ on his paternity leave is odd- he’d of had to tidy the house, cook the meals, walk the dogs AND look after other children in most houses.

Look, it was a kind offer for them to let you stay. But it's not working out is it? Doesn't really matter who is BU, it's her house and her rules. She's hardly going to suddenly change her tune and go no problem I don't care about dishes or whatever. From what you say this is just how she is.
I get that rental is expensive and you want to save. So either you put up with MIL and live with her unreasonable demands or you move out and find somewhere you can live by yourselves. Honestly a studio is doable with a newborn! They sleep through loads at that age. Clearly not ideal as they get older but you could certainly manage for 6 months

Honestly you need to save up and move out. Even a one bed flat is better than living with mil. Congratulations on the baby.

My guess is they don’t really want you there so are making life difficult. Just move out and get your own place. You should have your own home.

OP you and your partner need to be doing less for MIL. You need to prioritise yourself and your baby. Establishing breastfeeding abd bonding is vital in these early weeks and you could end up with postpartum depression if you don't prioritise it. I would have your partner speak to his mum and say he can't do as much as before eg walking dogs because the two of you need to focus on the baby. Even if she's unhappy you need to focus on your little family gor a bit, hide in your room for large chunks of the day if necessary. You need to tell her you're so grateful for her help but you can't keep going as you have been (perhaps say midwife or health visitor has said so).

Also the PP who mentioned contraception was just trying to warn you that you're extra fertile post partum so to be doubly careful - midwives, health visitor, and my GP all went on and on at me about this after I had my children so I don't think it was the PP being rude or judgemental.

I would not be sacrificing breastfeeding for cleaning up, although I don't understand how you can only breastfeed twice? That's max 2 hours. Are you cleaning for 6-8hours?

Why do you live with her? Can you not afford your own place?

You should be cleaning up after yourselves. Nothing more, nothing less. You should be prioritising feeding and caring for.your baby over everything.

Why the fuck are you making a roast when you don't have time to feed your baby?!

Ah i see. Time to move to a less affluent area I think

Move out of London OP there are plenty of lovely towns in commuting distance if needed.

I would rent a 1 bed anywhere you can afford asap. This is a joke of a living situation.

OP has said she was baking cupcakes and making a roast for Mother’s Day because she thought it would be nice for her MIL.

i also haven’t read anything to suggest the OP is going on the holiday the MiL was trying to book.

I don’t understand why he didnt move into your one-bed flat when you fell pregnant?

Unless his mum (she’s not your MiL, I presume, if you’re not married?) is letting you stay there free, in which case-that is incredibly generous and I guess it’s her rules that go.

You need to move out asap. Living in your boyfriend’s mum’s house sounds like a recipe for disaster. Or are you going to say you need to live there as she is not only going to provide free housing but also free childcare for you?

OP, as others have suggested, I would be moving out of London.

No amount of savings is making up for the stress in your life.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate just now.

As it’s mil home then she can be as demanding as she likes. She can invite people over, she can expect help with the dogs and she can expect the house to be immaculate because she feels she’s doing a massive favour by allowing you all to stay rent free.

I think at the moment you should focus on the baby and your dp focusses on the household stuff. This will give you time to rest.

I think you were doing something lovely by cooking and baking for her yesterday but gently, this wasn’t a priority. You’re two weeks pp so no one would really expect that of you. Shes probably come home and not wanted all the fuss of a big meal.

I think you should maybe now start looking elsewhere to live . I fully understand how expensive that is so might require you to broaden your search!