Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

I would be very unavailable the next time she wants something from you. Does she have form for such rudeness,intolerance and thoughtlessness?

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic. can someone explain the irony to me please I never get it.

Sorry OP that you had a rubbish day

I think your DH should be modelling behaviour to your children. You put yourself out for them daily, they could put themselves out for you today.

Hope you’ve got a nice glass of something and order yourself a takeaway @BigBreaths

I’m not sure I’d choose to go somewhere that I knew my family didn’t want to go to for Mother's Day! It was always going to end in tears. Anyone who thinks today’s was a good day to turn up to a garden centre cafe and expect a nice lunch with reluctant family members had unrealistic expectations.

🤣😃😂 my husband and I always put each other first - and that just wouldn’t include trying to make the do something they actively didn’t want to. It’s pretty simply but cba arguing as you can’t accept someone else might have a different viewpoint and think it’s clever to name call over it!

I don’t think it’s about being ‘waited on’.

It’s just being nice to each other.

My DH is really nice to me - all year round really, but especially on Mother’s Day. He buys me presents. And we go out for a nice lunch or dinner.

I’m guessing the OP would just like the same.

But why would you go somewhere if you know others would hate it?

How depressing. I regularly organise things DH will love even if I'm not particularly into them, if I know he'll enjoy it more if I'm there or we're all there together. He does the same for me. We try to model this for our children and they often come up with ideas of nice things to do for others' birthdays/special days which are focused on what the recipient will really love.

Where did I say I knew he would hate it?

He was very happy to come (seed potatoes to buy). We often go to NT type of places and he queues up perfectly fine. He actively likes busy pubs.

“Not into” is not at all the same as actively disliking, clearly.

It's a garden centre!! He’s not being dragged around something for hours and hours

and also it’s not about him! It’s Mother’s Day not DH day

Ahhh - sorry for reading this wrong then. Him saying “I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable" made it sound like this is an ongoing thing where he dislikes garden centres and busy places and you knew that!

Erm @Coldsore hate to break it to you but the Whisky (distillery tours, tastings etc) and motor shows weren’t for my kids…

And what’s your logic here, that you should try to accommodate the desires of your kids because you chose to have them, but not your partner with whom you chose to have a relationship? I don’t follow that- I do stuff that wouldn’t be my first choice, with good grace, because I like to see my family enjoying themselves. They do the same for me. That’s just part of being in a loving respectful family.

It was a bit childish for your husband to refuse to go to the counter to order. But you have an adult child and three teenagers, not sure why your husband is getting all the blame for no effort here. He even organised the presents. My siblings and I managed this ourselves from being pre-teen.

Im sorry they couldn’t make more of an effort for you OP, I find it weird and sad when men and older kids can’t pull their fingers out and just do something nice for their mum /mother of their kids. And it’s even sadder when women tell other women that they shouldn’t expect anything.

My dh had booked a pub lunch, he and all three of my boys (one teen and two adults) came. Eldest ds drove so the rest of us could drink. The boys bought me lovely presents. I’m not “spoiled” or “a diva” they just wanted to show their appreciation.

Funny that's exactly what it does mean throughout most of Europe. Still pretty shit - better if things were equal the other 364 days of the year but it is what it is.

Sorry op. They sound just awful , except for your dd. I would be so disappointed if my children turned out like this. What do you do for them for their special days? Maybe a good taste of their own medicine is what they need.

I think you’re being precious and high maintenance. I got no card, booked restaurant and paid for lunch myself and my dc argued with each other pretty much through lunch. This is life, I know they love and appreciate me.

Jesus, people acting like OP wanting to go to the garden centre and have a fucking panini is equivalent to expecting lavish gifts and a day of being completely spoiled. I absolutely fucking hate garden centres, but my granny loves them so every Sunday I suck it up and take her for a scone and a wander about the potted plants, because that's what you do when you love someone. You do things that make them happy, you spend time with them because they're important to you and the pleasure of their company is a gift, even if it is in a garden centre.

OP's shitty husband couldn't even manage that for one afternoon for the woman he's supposed to love and cherish more than anything, and people are calling her a brat, spoiled, dramatic??? Every time I think the bar for male behaviour on this website can't get any lower. It's fucking depressing.

I'm sorry you had a shit day OP, take yourself somewhere nice next year and do absolutely fuck all for him on father's day. In a few years the moody teenagers will have outgrown their moody teenagerness and will be spoiling you rotten, god willing.

Ah, you see, if we're talking about the sort of person who goes along with something then sits there with a face like a slapped arse trying to make sure the person having a treat doesn't enjoy themselves, then I think A Selfish Dickhead isn't name calling, it's a factual description.

It would have been a great deal kinder (but still a bit grim) to say "I really don't enjoy that, but why don't you go by yourself and I'll take you out to X or Y after" (assuming that X and Y are both something the recipient will enjoy.)

Going along and indulging in a performative sulk to punish the treat recipient is indeed the mark of A Selfish Dickhead.

But OP also wouldn’t have been happy with that.

Can you quote where she said this or are you also assuming?

I am assuming he just doesn’t want to be there at all so is being petulant

Yes but you also accused the OP of dragging him along and you are making out like it's somehow her fault he's petulant

The bar really is fucking low for some people that they will spend so much time defending men's poor behaviour and making it the woman's fault rather

absolutely no denying the fact that the DH was a childish arse (to the extent the first poster didn't realise he wasn't a child) BUT all your DC are teenagers (and 1 fully grown adult) - tbf by this stage the DH shouldn't need to be involved at all in mother's day. They are more than old enough to sort out everything themselves, so I can understand the fact that he's got 4 kids, all of whom are old enough to get themselves to the shops and buy/book a lunch, yet he's the one sorting cards and gifts, then having to go somewhere he's not particularly keen on, when none of her actual sons even bothered, and, I'm assuming, was going to pay for that too. Yet he's the one you seem to be most mad at.

By the time I was 13 or so, I was sorting mother's day card and present and usually some sort of food (not a full roast but could cook a lunch) from me and my younger siblings. To not even bother come out for a free lunch is really low for your boys at home, and to not even send a card really shit from your oldest.

So your DH was a bit crap but given it is MOTHER'S day, tbh all of your kids (apart from maybe the dd) were worse.

I agree wholeheartedly with your last 2 paragraphs, yes. He shouldn’t have gone at all if he was going to be miserable.

I think you, like a lot of posters on this thread have a very low bar and I feel sad for you.
I suspect that you deserve much better., and you know it.

Who do you think you are speaking to people like that? Rude or what.