Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

Please ignore negative comments, you have every right to be upset. Maybe next year take yourself off or you and dd. I will be going solo next year for sure…

I think if you agree to go somewhere for someone else’s treat you just suck it up and try make it nice for them instead of complaining about how you don’t want to be there so YANBU.

I’m glad he was shocked! It sounds as if he isn’t used to you being a Full Human with thoughts & feelings that you express but sees you as Support Human who puts themselves last

I did get up and walk out leaving them there. I did not drive off without them as leaving DD stranded would have been uncalled for.

I don’t know if you were being reasonable or unreasonable. My family aren’t keen on mother day either and it doesn’t seem to me that it’s worth making them do it!

Did he at least cook a nice lunch for you instead?

He was certainly being unreasonable

Walking out wasn’t great, but it sounds like perhaps you are taken forgranted so think about how you want to make garden centre-gate change things going forward.

As long as the moody boys gave you a card and said happy Mother’s Day I wouldn’t be too annoyed with them.

Good point that he would be ok to queue up in the pub. Just as busy as the garden centre!

This. It is really miserable to read about all these DHs/ DPs who cannot be bothered to do one nice thing on one day of the year for their partner, the mother of their children, who almost certainly does the majority of the day to day work of childcare and probably most of the household work as well.

YANBU @BigBreaths and your DH is being an arse.

Yanbu

My ‘moody teen’ wanted to go out for something to eat today but didn’t suggest it till about 1pm when we were at the shops so I said, It’s a bit late to decide that now and everywhere will be booked up. She said it would be nice for me for Mother’s Day but really it meant she was hungry and wanted a meal herself!

I agree with the poster who said the issue here is expectations, the build up. People treat it like it’s a big mile stone birthday. I don’t really get it

a card, maybe some flowers, but thr whole day of your choice and everyone has to drag along is a bit extreme for me. For me, it’s about the thought and love associated with that. Not dragging my family somewhere they don’t want to be as it’s a treat for me.

Honestly? It sounds a bit as though your family are used to you smiling and putting up with their crapness. Next year, it’s time to be upfront - you expect them to each send you a card and you expect your husband to book a table for lunch.

I think you have every right to be annoyed with the lot of them. I would be.

I agree with PP who says you should try(!) to book somewhere nice for you and DD to share dinner/theatre/cinema and have a lovely time just the two of you. It is very obvious that the rest of the family don’t want to make it a special day for you so do it for yourself instead of letting them spoil time with your daughter.

She shouldnt have too though

I'm sorry OP.

But, at least you know how father's day will go now! You're staying at home doing whatever the fck you want and if he wants to go to the pub you can say "no thanks- I hate those places" and leave him to it.

Next year book a spa day or what ever you fancy and leave them at home cleaning and sorting laundry.

I know people hate men on MN

No they don't. Some might but actually a lot of what gets called "men hating" by some posters is in fact an ability to recognise mysoginistic behavior

Like for example the automatic assumption that it's the woman's job to queue for food in a cafe because she is merely a service human being

And an hour in a garden centre cafe isn't quite the same as several hours around a gold course is it.

Regardless of the miscomparison to golf I'm yet to see where the OP describes "dragging" her DH along or forcing him to enjoy himself. Sounds like if he didn't want to go he didn't bother to use his words and just decided to be passive aggressively grumpy instead

honestly I just think this sort of thing is silly.

What women not wanting to always be the ones to wait on others? Yes many generations have been calling us "silly", "emotional", "hysterical" and "crazy" for just wanting to be treated as an actual human being. But really if you think about it, the idea that it should default to one person always queuing in a cafe because they have a vagina and the other one always sitting down to be waited on because they have a penis is the really silly thing actually

Yup, next year, do t wait for them to take you anywhere. Just book a weekend away and enjoy yourself!

Your issue here is your DH is a twat, Mother’s Day or no. Even on a “normal” day my DH would have offered to queue, let alone on a special treat for me. And what the fuck does he mean it “makes him uncomfortable”, unless where you went was very unusual, garden centres are full of middle class radio 4 listeners and plants! You’re not asking him to queue for a Dosa in Horwah Station or street food in Bangkok. He just had a mini tantrum and couldn’t be arsed.

I would use this as a valuable opportunity to re-establish some boundaries if you’re being taken advantage of.

What did he say to your pub comment? YANBU OP. You asked him to pay and order food not be hung upside down and has his toe nails ripped out

My thought as well.

It would have really annoyed me having to wait for a table especially if you were standing over people waiting for a table. I would have left at that point