Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

@Madamqueenofeverything

i am really really sorry you're feeling like that, it's horrible. One more night & you'll be home before you know it 🌷

@Coldsore

jesus. A lunch at a Garden Centre is WILD???? Like Christmas for a 5 year old.

your life must be a barrel of laughs!

I honestly don't think YABU. You haven't demanded to be taken to a restaurant or asked for gifts etc.

To be honest I'm not sure I would have come back from Uni for mother's day (pretty sure I never did that although when I remembered I did send flowers etc!) but for your kids in the house not to even bother doing anything or coming for what I assume would be a free meal would also make me feel sad.

And then for DH to not be willing to stand in a queue is just really disappointing!

It's not about buying gifts/money it's about making a tiny bit of effort to show you care.

If it makes you feel better I have 2 young children. On Sunday my DH stayed in bed whilst I got up with the kids and made my mum breakfast. When he eventually got up he sat on the sofa on his phone for the rest of the day and watched the rugby whilst I cooked lunch and did all the housework. He then got annoyed with me when I didn't want to go out for dinner with his family (by this point I had a headache and just wanted to be by myself and whenever we do this I just end up looking after and feeding the two kids, I don't speak to anyone and he just catches up with his family).

I'm now considering divorce (not just from this incident!) - sorry just realised I high jacked your post!

But in short give yourself a break. You can't help how you feel and I would feel exactly the same in your shoes.

Hope you are feeling better

I’m pleased DD got a macdonalds as it sounds as though she tried. But don’t feel too guilty. It’s good for your teens to realise you have feelings and are not just a household appliance that doesn’t break down. DH was being a pain.

@Threeboysadogacatandakitten

why did you have to cook?

I think this is the reason Mother’s Day falls before Father’s Day in the year! I suggest you book yourself into a spa for Sunday 16th June and give him as much special attention as you got!

YANBU Instead of being passive aggressive tell people what you expect

SHE DID! She told them she'd like lunch at the garden centre. Two refused to come, one was an arse about it, and just one of them entered into the spirit.

Have you read an entirely different OP?

I had this at 9 months pregnant. Scheduled for a c-section the next morning so went to nando’s for tea the evening before. The husband sat down at the table and tried to give me his card to go up to queue and order at the till. Thought it was completely acceptable as he was paying 🤣.

You’re right to be miffed, it’s lazy and inconsiderate of him.

Yes not so good as a marketing thing, but great for the passive aggresive payback time.

I think when we build up something to be all about us, we don’t enjoy it.

This is why I really want Father's Day to be close to Mother's Day, so that fathers can reap what they sow in regard to effort.

It all gets forgotten by the time Father's Day rolls around, and the mothers who have had zero or little effort for their day, put so much more into Father's Day than they received.

Passive aggressive gets thrown round for any kind of annoyed or angry these days (because “ annoyed” doesn’t sound sufficiently pathological in a world of pseudo psychologists). Ditto “ gaslight” for any kind of lie, blatant or otherwise. Similarly “ narcissistic “ for anything unpleasant. They are buzz words for concepts that have always existed but suddenly have become catch-alls for a far more nuanced array of behaviours.

Honestly? I think this thread has gone much further than the OP intended. It sounds as though her situation has been resolved to her satisfaction.

good for you Op!

it will do your family good to see that you are a human with needs and feelings and not just ‘mum’

i really cant see how anyone could think otherwise? Anyone?

@Calliopespa see also abusive - rather than just being a twat

Good for you OP. I think lunch at the garden centre seems like a perfectly reasonable expectation and I'm glad your DH has taken on board what you've said. You were definitely not being unreasonable.

This! It sounds like you have a wider issue of feeling under appreciated and it has culminated in you pinning all your hopes on one day. This isn’t fair on anyone. Your reaction today has taken your family by surprise, is this because you are used to putting your needs last? Don’t wait for the next holiday/celebration be clear with your family about your wants, needs and expectations starting now. You should also sit down and discuss what they want/need from you and address any imbalances. You may find yourself surprised at some of the things you put yourself out to do maybe aren’t actually wanted/needed by the others.

If after this chat things don’t change then you are definitely not being unreasonable. But you need to start by having an honest conversation first.

Yes, I forgot that one!

😂 I can’t believe this thread is still going strong.

YANBU. Everything you do for them and they can’t even be bothered to make one day of the year about you for a change. My husband has a breakdown if I ask him to stop for milk on his way home from work so I feel your pain. Definitely book yourself a spa day next year.

She’s clearly tapped a nerve for some MNers who want to chat on about it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is kind of wild to me. We don't really celebrate mother's day this way over here. People might say happy mother's day, maybe someone will give you a flower (sometimes businesses distribute them), and kindergarten kids prepare some handmade clay gifts at the behest of their carers. That's it. It's not supposed to be a day in which you choose what to do and it's all about you. And husbands are not really involved beyond sometimes trying to prod your kids to congratulate you.

OP is not "over there" though, and even if she was, she doesn't have to do things the way you do. And how is asking people to come to lunch with you and be briefly pleasant "a day of choosing what to do and it's all about you"?

True. It’s a thing!

Husband sounds a nightmare and sons not wonderful either - ffs it is one day. And it is your day. Make some plans for next year for a wonderful spa break away, potentially including DD who can actually be bothered to make an effort for you. Leave your sons and husband to stew and self manage for a couple of days if they can't be bothered. And see if you can get your husband to have a good hard think about his attitude - it stinks.