Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

You weren’t asking much and it sounds like a lovely plan to me. Sorry it didn’t go as you hoped.

That said… I realllly want to know what bedding plants you chose

This! Everything has become like Christmas for a 5 year old. Every hallmark day has this ridiculously high expectation level that I just don’t understand and assume has to be to do with comparisons people make with huge gestures on social media. Growing up Mother’s Day was making my mother a card and getting her flowers or something. Maybe she got breakfast in bed and didn’t have to do housework. Valentine’s Day used to be about a nice card and chocolates. Expectation levels are wild

the whole situation sounds stressful to all tbh, i think garden centres are uber stressful on mother's day - partly because we have mother's day at a wet and horrible time of year!

i'd up the expectations OP and organise a proper mum and daughter lunch out next weekend with DD only

Surely your DD should have gone up and ordered if you didn’t want to order as it’s Mother’s Day but you’re angry with your DH.

It isn’t difficult to remember to send your Mum a Mother’s Day card … but it sounds as though this bunch need a bit of a shove.

I must admit that I’m in two minds about booking somewhere on Mother’s Day, mainly because everywhere is going to be really busy. I’d be tempted to designate another day as Mother’s Day and tell the husband that I want him to book somewhere on that date. But, for some, it’s important to celebrate Mother’s Day on Mother’s Day.

Sounds like this isn’t a relationship worth staying in. He prioritises his own ex over you. Leave whilst you still can and don’t be surprised if they end up back together

WTF? Bratty? She wanted lunch at a garden centre, not the fucking Ritz.

You are assuming he doesn’t want to queue because he has a penis. I am assuming he just doesn’t want to be there at all so is being petulant. Yes, he should have just refused to go. But OP also wouldn’t have been happy with that.

Yes the OP's DH did act like a moody teenager.

My 3 adult dcs were actually all together in one room for the first time in over a year. Mainly as this may be their Grandma's last mother's day. I got flowers and cards and a book. Lovely. I wanted a photo of the 3 of them together,and again,one with grandma. Dd1 refused saying " you cant just demand photos of people when you want them".
So it didnt happen. Then she left because she was bored. Ah,well, 2 out of 3 will have to do. Cow!

I don’t think wanting to go to a garden centre for a bit of lunch is a massive expectation really and I would expect my family to be gracious about it.

You sound petulant but I'm guessing you feel generally unappreciated and it's a similar story come your birthday. No one really makes an effort bar the minimum expectations whilst you've gone all out for theirs. You needs are bottom of the pile and after years of putting them there yourself because of you have four young kids, you hope they'll finally come to the top and they've not.

You need to deal with the bigger issues in your family. This isn't about one day.

I'm 50/50. I'm not into the big build up - its supposed to be a card and flowers and spending time with your mum. Your dh sounds like a mardie arse though. I wouldn't have done the big flounce thing because it would feel like your dd was the one being punished. I was your dd - dad was lovely but not particularly thoughtful further than a card and flowers. Us kids would get the silent treatment because whilst mum wouldn't tell us what she wanted she would give us the silent treatment and passively aggressive loud vacuum clean. I know my family's strengths and weaknesses, so if I want something I make sure they know.

Never mind next year, start today. Quit the Smiling and the Putting up with and the Jollying along and the Making things nice.
Take up space, make your needs known. If in doubt, think "What Would DH Do?"
ok, maybe don't go that far, someone's got to parent your kids.

Agree with zurala:

"YANBU. It's one day when your family is supposed to put you first, do something that you enjoy and they didn't, and your husband was actively difficult. I would be cross and upset too."

I wish I could have left. I made dinner for 8
One didn't bother coming home in time
By the time everyone had plate do their food there was no meat left for me and my food was cold
Has to do all the driving around to get people here and take them home
Gift was a bit shit too.
Now sitting alone watching tv and sulking

i hate garden centres. I would not have fun at a garden centre and I wouldn’t want to go to one. I horse ride. DH would not want to come along and watch me with the children because it’s Mother’s Day and therefore they “have” to. I would just go and do that alone. It’s not enjoyable to make someone go somewhere they don’t want to.

as ever I just don’t understand people on here. If people are treated so poorly that they need a huge song and dance on a specific day then that’s part of a larger issue.

Are you OK? The op said its mother's day and she doesn't want to queue! Who said she's unable??? She said she doesn't want to. She didn't pretend to be unable, she just said get up and do it it's my mother's day I want to sit. It's a shame he didn't have the good sense to just get on with it.

YANBU, OP.
I agree with the others saying to take yourself off somewhere lovely next year and possibly take DD with you.
These days <really> matter to me, I never had a fuss made of me in all the years that I was with my ExH, my only child has MLD and cannot plan this stuff by herself. Since we split, DD and I have had two lovely Mother's Days doing our own thing - just make a plan for yourself for next year and don't be guilted into wanting the very basic level of effort for one day.

Sorry your having crap one too💓

I’m perfectly ok thank you, yes. I just don’t see why it being Mother’s Day means OP needs to be waited on. Just as on Father’s Day I wouldn’t wait on my husband. It’s bizarre!

You weren't really asking for much.

I think there's a lot of people posting today saying their mother's day was crap.

It seems to be a boiling point for some especially those who seem to get taken for granted generally but today shines a spotlight on it as it's the one day they really hope to see some effort.

Are your family normally appreciative of you?

Finding the idea that wanting lunch at a garden centre means OP is some kind of demanding spoiled princess just bizzare

Wouldn't it have been more of a treat to have done this by yourself? I mean, I hate garden centres too, but you like them, OP, so you could have pottered around at your leisure without the Faces of Doom trailing around behind you. Next year, book yourself a night away and really enjoy yourself!

Just why did you do it???