Walked out of mother's day lunch

[BigBreaths]

I probably am BU

3 teenaged sons, 1 daughter.
Cards and gifts organised by DH from the 3 at home. Text message from the one at uni.

For my treat I wanted to go to the garden centre to get bedding plants and have lunch.

2 boys didn't want to come.
DH and DD came. DH bought his seed potatoes to plant.
Cafe was busy, we had to wait a while for a table. DH told me off for waiting near the tables "loitering trying to get people to leave" (to be clear I wasn't standing over any one table, just standing within the cafe area).
Finally sit down, looking at menu, DD decides what she wants, DH looks, says "I'll have sausage and chips". I tell him what I would like. He makes it clear he isn't going to the counter while having a face like a slapped arse. I say it's mother's day so i would appreciate it if I didn't have to queue and order, and anyway what would he do if I weren't there? Him: "I wouldn't be in here. I hate these sort of places. They make me very uncomfortable".

So I said right, let's leave then, you aren't going to enjoy it. He says don't be silly. I say no, it's ruined now, and head off.

In the moment I felt really upset that of my whole family, 2 didn't bother coming at all, my other son didn't bother sending a card, and my DH couldn't put himself out to go and order or hide his dislike of my "treat".

As we got home, my neighbour was being taken out to lunch by her family. Most ironic.

Wow what an awful thing to write. What a horrible personal attack. Waking up and choosing nastiness on line isn’t ok. There’s no need for that

What extreme language. Asking your family to accompany you to the garden centre for lunch on Mother’s Day is ‘worship’?! I would hate to see your definition of ‘liking’ someone!

I don't think yabu and the under competitiveness when it comes to Mother's day pisses me right off. We can all have different expectations of the day but it gets downright snobby on mumsnet of you dare to want to celebrate the day, be made a fuss of etc. You wanted a day off from the normal grind and your dh should have made that happen. As for the kids, yours are old enough to know that you would like an acknowledgement of the day, a card and or gift or time spent together. If they aren't aware then make it known. If you are in the habit of downplaying it or have spent years just accepting the bare minimum when actually you want more, then that is down to you.

Has anyone posted yet that they are overjoyed by the lump of coal their husband bought them and how blessed they are just to be able to cook breakfast for their kids every day?

It is fine to celebrate or not celebrate but the attacks on the OP for wanting a family lunch at the garden centre are so OTT. And then accusing her of being a bully 😂

This thread has made me so grateful for my teens/young adults, husband and the people I surround myself with.

The competitive under-receiving of Mother's Day gifts and cards is reminding me of what Kryten says in the Red Dwarf episode Polymorph 2 Emohawk

Kryten : With the Kinitawowe, not skinning you alive the moment they set eyes on you, is considered one of their warmest greetings.

Hi OP hoped you have learned from this , just go somewhere with your DD next year? There is nothing worse than forced mother's day trips.

Like many mumsnet threads, this one has taken on a life of its own.

I'm not a bully or a diva. I appreciate not everyone enjoys the garden centre, but I do, and it's my day, so ...if you don't like garden centres, don't go.

We had a talk, my husband realized he had been a bit crappy and rained on my little parade of wanting a nice lunch, so he stepped up, mustered the kids, and they made me a nice tea instead.

This is how ordinary families solve things. Someone messes up, they make amends, life goes on.

It's extremely rare for me to not just "make the best of things" and paper over other people's disappointing behaviour and I shocked my DH. I apologized to DD later, btw, and told her none of it was her fault. She said it was ok and she understood why I did it. No harm done and just maybe some of them will remember that I do actually matter, and deeds are as important as gifts. Actually more important to me.

You literally criticised OP for wanting her kids to spend 8 hours with her when she had said absolutely nothing to indicate that. Then when another poster queried where you'd completely made that up got that from you said getting ready and going for lunch would take 6 hours. Because apparently having a shower and getting yourself dressed is somehow a) spending quality time with your mother and b) an unfair expectation to place on a teenager rather than something they would do anyway.
But feel free to flounce if someone points out the reality of how time works to you.

I mean, you think walking out of a garden centre is ‘bullying’ so you aren’t exactly a good judge of behaviour are you.
You’ve also been one of the nastiest posters on this thread to OP, so you can now add hypocrite to your list of attributes.

the under competitiveness when it comes to Mother's day pisses me right off

Yep. My adult kids and grandkids came to see me and brought small gifts. Nothing over the top, nothing dramatic. Just a show of love and recognition. I don't think it's too much for any mumsnetters to hope for, and it's absolutely fine to feel hurt and unappreciated if your kids (particularly the ones who live with you, so don't have to make journeys or go to any huge effort) simply can't be arsed to recognise the day, or you.

You sound like you have a nice family, OP. Your husband messed up, but he made amends and he sounds like a good egg overall. I’m glad your day turned around. We all deserve a bit of appreciation.

You'd had cards and gifts. I really don't think dragging your kids round a garden centre was necessary and I also wouldn't consider that a 'Mother's Day lunch'.

I didn't consider it necessary either, which is why I invited them but didn't insist on it. I am allowed to be slightly hurt that they chose not to come. I didn't strop or get mardy about it; I went with the two family members who said they would be happy to come.
And I don't care if you wouldn't consider it a "Mother's Day Lunch". It's not about you, is it? It's my story and I did consider it my Mother's Day Lunch.

Has anyone posted yet that they are overjoyed by the lump of coal their husband bought them and how blessed they are just to be able to cook breakfast for their kids every day?

Bought? Bought? Surely they'd be a spoilt brat if they expected said lump of coal to be bought. Can't they just stop being a diva, make do with a clod of earth dug from the garden, and be grateful he made an effort?

Well my 25 year old son got me a card with lovely pics of 'me' on the front and a lovely message- what a difference having a very lovely soppy girlfriend makes this year , plus flowers and Thorntons chocs - and they drive over from London too- I can't ever remember even receiving a card before- lucky if I got a text!!

Good for you OP you were absolutely right. DH and DD obviously thought it was fine for them to sit on their asses while you queued. They needed to be told that sometimes you need to be made a fuss of too.

I can't believe some of the replies here. No wonder women end up on shit relationships if that is the example they've been set as children.

For mother's day I get breakfast in bed and a lie-in with a card and homemade gifts. Then we go out to lunch with my mum and DH pays but I get her a significant gift. Then that evening I chill at home and do no housework.

I loved spoiling my mother when I was a child and still do. Its a joy and I know my LO likes planning for me too. Father's Day will carry the same excitement.

YANBU. Your DH sounds like a selfish AH. Book yourself a spa day next year (at considerable expense if your finances are joint), and take yourself off on your own or with a friend. The family can fend for themselves x

Edit: I’m glad to see that DH tried to make amends later by doing you a nice tea. It rather proves your original point, OP, that your family did the wrong thing. Hopefully next year will be different. The feminist in me says women get treated like crap when they no expectations.

Def not being unreasonable time to our yourself first - sounds like your being taken for granted.

That would have upset me too; with the exception of your DD they all sound really selfish. It’s one bloody day where they were asked to do something you wanted to do! Book something lovely for yourself soon and leave the miserable buggers at home.

i feel the same way every year i get nothing from my teen and daughter i just went of to work like normal all it was on facebook was happy mother's day with lovely pictures my husband spoils his mother takes her garden centre for a posh nosh on her birthday in january it is the attitude what spoils it when it is me and him she is a narcassist family all the time just put it down to the wrong day to go there when it is busy

I don't celebrate mothers day, all to commercial for me!!

Aren’t you a joy? We all like different things. It’s ok to expect a bit more than just the basics sometimes - like maybe your family acting as if they actually want to spend time with you? I love how much effort my (teen) children put into spoiling me yesterday as DH had to work - made me feel appreciated. That’s all the OP wanted.

I think you and DH both behaved childishly. Him - for not speaking up at the start and staying he didn’t fancy going there, having a strop about waiting for a table, having a face on and refusing to go and queue
You- for being crabby about not getting a card from one of the kids and two of them not coming (this wasn’t DH and DD’s fault), for thinking that Mother’s Day exempts you from queuing and for storming out!

Just let it go now. It was a rubbish day but nothing to be done about it now. Can you go out for tea one night during the week together to make up for it?

YANBU Instead of being passive aggressive tell people what you expect.People learn how to treat you. Forget their bdays forget fathers day, dont organise christmas ecplain why. Or do something nice for your husband on father's day or Birthday and make it clear that he needs to reciprocate and up his game. 1 day your sons might be husbands they don't need this crappy example.