Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

I haven’t read all the replies but I think he is saying he wants you to do more together. That’s not a bad thing. You can change that surely.

I can't understand why the OP is being criticised for asking a question just because she'd prefer one answer to the other. Are we all supposed to plod along like idiots, not caring if the person we married wishes they'd never met us? That's cowardly. Well done on opening up a discussion that obviously needed to be had.

No marriage is perfect and if he’d been married to someone else all this time he would answer that question in the same way albeit maybe different issues. Your expectation is what hurts. You had an image in your head of how he’d answer and it didn’t pan out as you expected. I agree with others, he didn’t tell you he was unhappy so there’s an opportunity to have a discussion.

I think it's a little odd he gave you a truthful answer. All he needed to say was: 'Of course, best decision of my life."

Maybe the reason he didn't was because he wanted to open up a conversation about it?

If my DH asked me that question, I would lie. In truth, I wouldn't marry him again at all. I would want my beautiful children, of course, but I'd be perfectly happy without him.

We don't have much in common, our value systems are different. He's the type to scoff at anything that could be considered high culture e.g. looking at a Klee painting and declaring a 5 year old could do the same.

He's not a bad person, particularly, and we muddle along fairly well. But with hindsight and maturity, I would absolutely choose someone different.

Nobody's saying she can't ask the question.

But if you're going to ask someone such a loaded question then you need to be prepared for the fact that you won't necessarily get a nice answer that will make you feel all warm, fuzzy and loved - which is clearly what she expected.

So it's not so much the fact that she asked, it was that she clearly asked with a certain answer in mind, which is a bit manipulative really, and (to me) smacks of fishing for compliments which isn't something I really have much patience for so maybe I'm a bit harsh.

I am autistic though and questions like this just irritate me in general, lol. I can't be doing with all the nuance and expectations.

Bit off topic, but when I was a trainee at work I was told never to ask a question in a meeting if you didn't want to hear the answer, no matter what that answer is.

I think the same applies here. I know you wanted to be told of course her DH would marry you a hundred times over, and then get whisked off to bed, but unfortunately your DH took the question seriously and answered honestly.

I am so sorry that you didn't get the answer you wanted.

That said, what he did say does not mean he is unhappy, or that he wants a separation. Perhaps see this as a way to start a conversation about how you two could do more together and take an interest in each other's hobbies? It doesn't have to mean turning yourself into something you don't want to be.

Would you have believed him if he'd responded "course I would" instantly?

What basis is there to a partnership if it's odd that someone would give you a truthful answer about your relationship? Why even be together? Why waste each others time? That's so so sad.

No but the op didn't want to hear that, she wanted him to say yes he'd marry her again, then when he didn't she got upset.
She either asks a question and be prepared for an answer she may not like or not ask the question at all if she was only wanting to hear one answer. When you ask a question that involves someone else's opinion you can never be certain of the answer and must be prepared for that

It's a bit odd to not just say of course he would marry you and to think about ways you could change. Seems a bit manipulative.

Of course she wanted to only hear that he was happy he married her. Who would want to hear otherwise? I'm not sure what is to be gained by telling her he regrets marriage to her unless he wants a divorce.

Manipulative? To answer he wishes they had more in common?

it is too late now to be asking the question....a romantic question but your husband took it too seriously, which means he takes you seriously, no matter the differences, this is a good marriage. Do not cry, no need

He isn't just saying that he wishes they have more in common. He is suggesting that he wishes they hadn't got married because of that.

Oh goodness yes that would hurt.

I wonder if it’s not just not sharing hobbies but how you feel about them though? Because the ‘gym bunny’ phrase sounds like you’re quite contemptuous of people who pursue fitness in that way? Most people who go to the gym are pretty average people who just want to be stronger/fitter. Not silly vain types as your phrase suggests.

I’d think about what you mean when you say you’re a good wife too because saying ‘honest’ made me laugh a bit as that’s the bare minimum surely?

I’d really think about whether you could both be more interested in and supportive of each others lives.

No he said he wished they had more in common. That suggests he wishes they spent more time together doing things.

I am going to buck the trend and say actually, you've got a good one here. He is honest enough to say what he thinks and how he would like to make your marriage even better.

@ChoccieEgg49 you are not being unreasonable to ask that. My husband and I have both at some point said similar to each other. But the answer is always a positive reaffirmation of our love for each other. Even if you have dissimilar interests, you should have your love reaffirmed. Then you can have a separate chat about interests. I would feel gutted too. Only thing to do now is have an open chat with him about improving your life together.

She didn't. She said it as part of a longer list.

• Good wife
• Honest
• Cook
• Trustworthy

Not

• Good wife - - honest
  • cook
  • trustworthy

He didn't just say that. Also, if he wants to spend more time with OP, perhaps he should think about joining in with her hobbies rather than her doing what he likes.

Something has clearly triggered you enough to be reading more into this than is said in the OP. She never said he wants her to do HIS hobbies. He said he wishes they had more in common, and gave examples of couples he sees doing activities together.

I can't understand this narrative of asking your partner a question about your partnership and you don't actually want an answer about your partnership. He gave her an honest and useful answer that could improve their relationship for the better to ensure it lasts 🤷🏻‍♀️

So everybody who doesn't see things the way you do is triggered? 😂Perhaps they just have better reading comprehension skills than you.

No because you jumped to saying him saying he wanted to spend more together was manipulative and that he didn't want to be married to her 🙄 obviously it stirred something up in you.

Of course you were expecting a positive response because you didn't realise your dh was not as happy as you. It wasn't a trick question. Of course that hurt,

And he didn't consider that he's not into your hobbies he basically wished you were more like him. He's in the marriage too if he's not happy he should be talking about what he wants.

No, I can just read. He didn't say that he wanted to spend more time together. You do a lot of extrapolation...