Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

So just so I'm clear, if my DC ask me if I'd have kids again if I could go back in time, it would be OK for me to say "well you were a mistake that I regretted at the start, so it wouldn't happen again anyway as I'd be more careful next time"?

That's OK isn't it? It's honest.

Did he say marrying her was a mistake and he regretted it?

You asked the questions, he didn't want to answer it and you insisted. YABU.

It's hardly comparable, is it?

Well that's the problem then!! You should have just gone in for a cuddle. If I was asked this question I would answer thoughtfully.

Poor bloke can't win. If he had gushed over you he would be a liar but he told you the truth.

Damned either way.

Getting tearful was manipulative as you instigated the situation by asking him and then didn't like his reply!

I think he has very strongly alluded to that tbh.

So anyway, is it OK for me to say that to my kid? If I mealy mouthed it a bit like ops DH maybe and paused considering my response, and said "well it's true that when DC come along your life changes and you can't do things you want to....."

That ok?

I think it's sad how many PPs think a wife should never ask this question because she might not like the answer 🤦🏻‍♀️

Why not? It's a question, an honest answer.....

I'll tweak it a bit so its less blunt, but if I heed to be honest I have to have some way of saying "probably not".....don't i?

(FTR I' dont actually feel this way and tbh I could never imagine being such an arsehole in my quest for honesty)

Because children who didn't ask to be born and an adult partner who chose to enter a relationship with you are two completely different things...

Do they do the same for you, and the things you're interested in? I don't want to pour negativity on your very positive post, it's lovely that you've found a way to feel closer and more connected to them...but it is so often the woman who sublimates her own preferences and shelves her own interests in favour of men/boys. That's sad.

It's got nothing to do with her being a wife.

It's common sense that you should only ask a question if you're prepared to deal with the answer, even if it's not one you want to hear.

Personally I have little patience for grown adults who ask "innocuous" questions like this in order to get a compliment and a nice fuzzy feeling inside, though.

Not sure if you’re coming back @ChoccieEgg49 but if you are - he’s telling you he would like to spend some quality time with you. Sounds to me like he loves you. Sit down and have a chat together about stuff you could both get behind doing together as an enjoyable shared part of your week.

Reminds me of that survey, they polled men “if you could divorce your wife with no consequences (financial), you’d see your children, you’d keep your house etc - no acrimony - would you still want to be married

An absolute fuckton of them said no!

A bet a lot of wives would say the same 😂

Exactly. What would your answer have been had he been daft enough to ask you that question?

I’ve once flippantly asked my husband if he was glad he married me, his answer was everyday. Not the same question but similar.

We are polar opposites with very different hobbies so we don’t do mutual ones.

sadly you’ve asked a question which you weren’t prepared for the answer to, maybe take a look at your marriage and make some changes.

So thats a "no, don't do that" (I'm just on the 'total commendable honesty thing' and do t ask a q you don't want the answer to with someone you love, yea DC don't ask to be born but that's irrelevant imo, good to hear there are times it's not mega appropriate, I think this was one of them is all I'm saying).

I would also be devastated by this, surprised by so many saying don't ask, ever.

I don't regret my kids, I don't regret who I married.

That said, marriages have ups and downs and if you ask in the middle of a downswing, the person may give a different answer than at a different time. I'd keep this in my mind though, moving forward. Who are these ideal women who love going to the gym together with their husband of which your husband speaks? Is he thinking about how he can be closer to you and do more of your hobbies (answer, rarely, men usually mean can you do my hobbies). Just something to note for the future. Perhaps be a bit careful with your own heart.

If I asked DH that he would say 'yes of course' - but I know he would also say that he wished I did more hobbies and things with him.

I do sometimes feel guilty or that he married under false expectations, because when we met 25 years ago I was quite fit and active, and we did lots of walks, bike rides, tennis etc. Fast forward and I'm now 60 (he's 5 years younger) and having left my busy job to raise children, I've lost my fitness and am no longer wanting to go on a day long bike ride, or play tennis. I used to ski but was always rubbish - but we took the kids a few years ago and I hurt both knees and found it really hard to get up every time I fell over! They all want to go again, but I just don't.

I enjoy gardening and swimming etc - but he and the kids are full on physical people. So I do feel bad, and I know they'd love me to do more with them. But I really don't think DH would say he regretted marrying me.......

Try and see the two things as separate. And don't ask risky questions in future 🙂!

It's a "no, don't do that" because children are not adults and it's a different relationship with a different dynamic, not because you shouldn't be honest.

I do get what you're saying about there being a time and place, but tbh I just think it's a very loaded (and not particularly nice) question to ask someone, because unless the answer is 100% joyful and full of reassurance, the person asking is going to get upset and it's going to end in an argument.

As my dad would say "play silly games, win silly prizes".

I never understand why people ask questions that they only want certain answers to.

I do understand why you feel upset but I would rather me in a marriage with someone who was honest, than with someone who was a liar

Can I say it when my DC are adults.....only if they are being dicks mind? Please?

Tbf I wouldn't ask DP in case he asked me 🤣🤣🤣 I'm not the best liar.

Jeez, situations like that sometimes make me wonder if I'm undiagnosed autistic or smth. Yes yes I know the 'correct' answer: 'ooooh yes, hunny-buns, I'd marry you in a heartbeat a thousand times over!' regardless of what I really think. But why ask a question if you don't want an honest answer? Wtfk's the point? So you want a person to lie and that will somehow validate you? I honestly don't understand. Yea sure, if he honestly feels 'yes, in a heartbeat', but what if he doesn't? So it's better to lie than try to talk about it?

My dad once told my brother: tell them whatever they want to hear and do whatever the hell you want. That's what he did. My mother was always 'the most beautiful woman on earth' , 'the apple of his eye' and all the other shite, whilst he shagged everyone with a pulse..

No that’s your interpretation of a conversation you didn’t witness.

He didn’t say that so it’s not the same.

and a partner isn’t a child it’s 2 different relationships.