Asked DH if he'd marry me again

[ChoccieEgg49]

Just that really.

We were chatting about couples in general. I asked him, if knowing what he knows now about me, would he still marry me and I'd still be his one (was hoping for a resounding 'yes!' here) he looked thoughtful for a minute, mulling over my question. Every millisecond stung my heart.

He said 'I do wish we had more in common like hobbies etc'. I said, ok, but that's not my question. Would you marry me if we rewound to the start?

He babbled on about how most couples just trundle along and its not like it is in the beginning etc. He spoke of people he knows who go hiking or to the gym together.

Tears stung my eyes.

It's really hurt.

I guess he's settled and he's not as happy as I thought. I've never been the gym bunny type, but we have a good life, travel, go out, laugh together. I'm a good wife, honest, trustworthy, cook blah blah. I can't help feeling now that I'm not enough. I've cried (not in front of him)

I wish I'd never even asked this question now. Maybe ignorance is bliss?

AIBU?

It sounds like he probably is just settles and plodding along but he’s gave you an idea of what he wants. You may not be a gym bunny but could you go hiking together like he mentioned? This wasn’t the news you were hoping for but maybe it’s a kick up the bum to stop things just plodding along.

It's been 12 years and I just asked my DH the same question. He said yes without hesitation. YANBU op.

I don’t think YABU! If I asked my husband if he’d marry again I would hope he would say yes! I could totally handle any constructive criticism after that but if his initial thought wasn’t of course I’d be hurt to!

The low standards are wanting your husband to lie to you so you can feel all happy squidgy inside. Doesn’t get much lower.

Yep, exactly this!

Actually what’s lower is coming on a parenting site and telling women they’ve low standards for appreciating honesty.

now that’s low.

So basically you’re annoyed with your husband because despite being married to you for X years, he’s still not learnt to be a mind reader? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Honestly OP, you need to work on your self esteem (good wife = good housekeeper/employee?) and learn how to communicate your needs much more clearly. No trick questions.

You didn’t actually want him to think about it and answer your question truthfully, did you? It’s like the old “does my bum look big in this?” question and he didn’t realise he was in a no win situation.

If you’re feeling down and wanted a cuddle and an ego boost, you should have made your wishes known instead of setting him up to fail.

Unfortunately, your hurt feelings are all on you.

Two ways of looking at it , What can you do to join him in HIS activities , then what can HE do to join you in yours .

But... the fact you were hoping for this suggests to me you are wanting some affection/reassurance from him you currently don't get. You are concerned now he has not said he is overwhelmingly happy....but are you overwhelmingly happy? I'd take a punt that most people would not ask this question of their partners... something triggered you to ask this question - I am guessing you are feeling a certain way but only you can be honest with yourself and ask yourself the question....why did you ask this question? What was I feeling at the time? What response did I want and why did I want it?

Not sure what all that talk of lying is about. If the OPs husband meant no, then she is right to be upset. If he said yes but let's work on these issues, that would have been better. He didn't have to lie

Your husband didn't say that he'd marry you again. He couldn't say 'yes'. It's perfectly normal to be upset by that especially if you didn't know that was how he felt. Nobody wants to be with someone who'd pass on marrying them again.

You need to discuss it more to see where to go from here.

Because OP seemingly just wanted a nice "yes, of course darling" - she didn't want to actually hear the reality. So if he'd given her the answer she wanted, he'd have been lying to her.

Asking these questions rarely ever ends well, especially if you're really just fishing for compliments.

I think most married couples would prefer to the "yes, of course darling" or something similar. Not sure why is the OP wrong to be upset.

Well it didn't turn out to be that much fun, did it!

She’s not wrong to be upset she’s wrong for asking such a teenager type question. Might of well of asked him the would you love me if I was a worm.

Its nonsense.

But he could have used another time to bring up the fact that not going for hikes/whatever together upsets him to the point he wouldn't marry op again. Is it so odd to want a bit of tact and diplomacy in a relationship? That's different to being lied to.

Unless of course he does genuinely mean "no I wouldn't have married you had I known we wouldn't be hiking together in 20 years time but here we are now so let's just drudge on" (in which case op tbf I'd be tempted to let himself hike honestly out the door)

My dp is a dickhead at times but christ even he can manage a "I think the other one is much nicer on you" when I ask him if my arse looks big in a certain dress.

Oh please! As if we don't or can't ask questions like that, of course we want a good answer ! And if the answer isn't good then yes some ppl get upset.

I think you're comparing apples and oranges, tbh. Talking about whether you'd still have married your partner isn't remotely the same as asking "does my bum look big in this".

To me, "Would you still have married me if you knew what you know now" isn't the lighthearted question OP (and others) are trying to make it out to be. It's pretty loaded and let's be honest, there's only one acceptable answer so if your answer is anything but "yes, of course" then you're put into a really difficult situation.

I know what people are saying when they say "oh, he should have just said yes" but I don't think I would want my husband to say "oh of course dear" just to shut me up or make me feel better.

But then again, I find that kind of question incredibly annoying and if DH ever said it to me, I'd probably say "no, I'd have buried you under the patio before the wedding ceremony".

Don’t be daft 😂 the poster and no one else is saying you shouldn’t want a good answer, or that you shouldn’t get upset if told the truth. The nuance is don’t as, if you’re not prepared to hear what you don’t want to hear.

however. My opinion is you should want to hear the truth.

I agree with this. I’ve asked my husband and he’s asked me periodically over the years. Usually around our anniversary where we’ve been reminiscing and I or he has said something like ‘would you do it all again?’.

We also do separate things, more so because I have chronic illnesses and I’m restricted. There’s nothing more that I want than us being able to do more together. It certainly doesn’t mean I wouldn’t marry him again.

I don’t understand why OP’s husband couldn’t answer yes (because surely if he wants to spend more time with her then he can’t be wanting out of the marriage). If necessary he could have brought it up at another point.

How long have you been married and do you have children? If not married long with no children id consider divorce. I wouldn't want to be with someone who regretted marrying me. Sorry op

YABU don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer.

Could you listen to what he is saying instead that we wants you to share more interests and do more things together and work on that?

Oh sorry, that was an example of tact, not that I really think "does my arse look big in this" is the same as "would you marry me again" 🤣

Fwiw I think he should have said yes in the moment (assuming he didn't want to hurt his wife....maybe he did?), told op it's a daft question, then address any unhappiness another time.

What he's done here whether he realises it or not is he really has just told op "no I wouldn't have married you again because we don't now go to the gym together".

You literally just confirmed what I said🤦‍♀️ and I'm not daft thanks.

Ah, I got you

I do agree he should have been more tactful but in his mind, he probably just thinks he was answering her question lol.

He didn't say yes or no, he just said he'd prefer it if X happened more. I don't think that's as hurtful as it's being made to be, it just doesn't give OP the nice fuzzy feeling she wanted when she asked.