To be annoyed at lack of effort on Mother’s Day?

[Redrobin3]

Hi MN,
I’m a SAHM to a 2 year old. DH works hard and I completely appreciate what he does for us. However, I’m a little annoyed that he’s barely acknowledged Mother’s Day. Brought me in some flowers and chocolate last night but today he’s just been quiet and not even acknowledged the day. All I’ve had is half hearted “what do you want to do”
Hasn’t even told DD it’s Mother’s Day, couldn’t be bothered to write a card. I know “I’m not his mother” but I do everything - all childcare, housework, nursery stuff, cooking, organising days out/holidays. AIBU for expecting a little more effort?

I got a card that was bought in a rush yesterday, signed by just their names, no to mum etc.

ds made a card at school and then had a tantrum about getting it out of his bag and giving it to me this morning as it was too much effort for him (his words).

no offer to take me anywhere or anything booked as Dh is working yet again.

no gifts etc.

Dh doesn’t even get his own mother a Mother’s Day card

Honestly

No one cares about mothers day, except mothers

It means nothing to anyone. Husbands don't care about it. Small children don't care about it. Adult children don't care bout it.

It means nothing to anyone. It's seen by most people as a made up commercial thing to make profit for the card companies

But she’s not a single Mother so your points irrelevant.

Os he generally appreciative of you and your parenting or is this the final straw in a series of him making a half-effort and going through the motions?

Context matters.

Flowers, chocolates and asking directly "what do you want to do today?" is pretty good for a Mother's Day gesture but if they're flowers you dislike or chocolates you don't eat or the "what do you want to do?" comes with the expectation of you doing the donkey work to organise it then it's not so good. Only you know which one applies to you and your situation.

If it's the former then he's made an effort, he's acknowledged the day and he wants to spend it with you. Take your toddler out somewhere and spend a nice day together or stay home and cook lunch together or whatever you'd like to do. In a few days time have a chat with him about how you'd like Mother's Day to be marked moving forwards so that he knows your expectations, ask him how he'd like to do Father's Day then you both know what the other wants and no one is left feeling disappointed or unappreciated.

If it's the latter and he's generally under appreciative, half-arses things and doesn't respect your role in doing the bulk of the childcare and housework that enables him to work unimpinged by all of that then it's time for a bigger chat where you need to make it clear that this has to change.

In my experience this isn’t about Mothers Day per se but about you wanting to be acknowledged for carrying the very heavy mental load of family life. This part of your post is the most important to me:

”but I do everything - all childcare, housework, nursery stuff, cooking, organising days out/holidays. AIBU for expecting a little more effort?”

Mothers Day isn’t the issue. You carrying all the mental load is. Mothers Day just throws the unfairness into even more perspective.

He's done it the wrong way round - he wouldn't have needed flowers and chocolates if he'd put a bit of effort in to helping your daughter 'make' a card and making a bit of fuss when you got up. My husband has done cards with the kids and they are 'secretly' planning on making me cookies later - no massive effort required, but thoughtful and feels 'in the spirit'.

Mine was the same when we were kids. She demanded attention and presents and we'd get hit if they didn't meet her expectations.

Thank fuck she's dead and I'm not a mother so I can just ignore all the commercialised crap and overpriced flowers, chocolates and "special lunches"

The threads on here are funny though.

Flowers and chocolates sounds nice to me, I've had absolutely nothing and my children are 12 and 10! Partner must know it's mothers day as I've bought a card and gifts for my own mum which he's seen.

I don't think women realise.

Nobody, absolutely nobody cares about mothers day. The people I've talked to all said "it's a made up commercial day".

Nobody buys there their mother presents on this day because they enjoy it

They do out of stress/fear.

The advertising campaign is manipluative.
Adverts come out saying "don't forget to get your mother something" and people then go out and panic buy

This.

He needs to start carrying more of that mental load instead of relying on you to be director of everything.

I'll admit, DH was bad for this back when I was a SAHM when our DC were small and we both fell into this rut where he seemed to think he was absolved of almost every responsibility other than working and I felt massively resentful that I was left with all the "wife work and life work".

The only thing that resolved it is talking about it. A proper sit down talk where you tell him how you're feeling and what's causing it and you work together to come up with ways to change it then follow through on actually doing it.

She's a sahm to a child to one child who obviously spends part of the week in nursery while her husband works so is at home by herself.
It's not the mental load it's life .

Op cop on.

I think you need to provide unthinking people with a script for what you want, if you want a fuss on Mother’s Day, you need to be very explicit about what you want e.g. I want breakfast in bed, I want a card, chocolates and flowers. I want someone else to do all the jobs I usually do. I want to have a special meal and an activity I’d enjoy. I want you to help inculcate the value of giving in to my small child by supervising them making a card and taking them to buy me a small token with their pocket money.
If you like this sort of thing and they won’t step up even with this level of advice, you’re with the wrong person (note to self).

When ds was little the first mothers day anyone had was the first year at school when they came home with a card they'd made. Wouldn't have occured to dh to get me anything and I'd have thought it a bit odd if he did ,I'm not his mum!

YANBU. Everyone's experiences of the day are relative to them. What's DH usually like in this department? If good, then perhaps flowers and chocolates this morning would have been better.

Probably with those coming the night, you allowed yourself to get excited on what might be in store this morning. I can understand that.

When not even a homemade card from your daughter was presented it must have been disappointing.

FWIW DH is amazing in this department so I have high standards. But then again every Mother's Day before I became a mum last year I fell into a dark place, I learnt to stay busy and stay off social media. Society isn't great for those whose mothers neglected them, drank too much, don't like them, and we don't like them, have caused nothing but suffering and negativity towards them. We were dragged up and found our own way, she has only met my 18 month old once but I wasn't even expecting that. So my husband does make an effort. This is what I mean by everyone's expectations being relevant.

And how does that make you feel?

Well unless we know it's a bunch of pre ordered gorgeous flowers and a box of fancy chocs from a choclatier Vs a half dead bunch of carnations and a box of maltesers from Spar, we have no idea how much or little effort he's put into it.

How hard is it to buy a card and get the kid to scribble in it?

That's not true. As someone who has wanted nothing more than a mother my entire life I've found the day almost impossible thanks to the outpouring on social media and everyone around me doing something nice for their mums. Now I'm a mum, for the second year I can finally enjoy the day and when we went out last year the restaurant was fullly booked all day, as I'm sure it will be today.

Wow so just because he has a job outside of the home 9-5 that absolves him from putting any effort or thought into anything at home or towards family life?!

What an old-fashioned way of thinking. I really thought we’d moved on from this nonsense.

Mother's Day does not exist in the UK, unlike in Europe and the USA.
Today is Mothering Sunday, when, traditionally, you returned to your "home" Church.
However, now that the UK is predominantly unchristian, you are being very unreasonable to expect anything on a non-existent "day".

I blame social media, everyone has to compare now. Grow up OP you sound like you have a pretty nice life, if you don't like it get a job like most others in your position do.

I never understand the "I'm not his Mom!" comments. No one is suggesting he buys it from HIM but from the little one.

If your child is invited to a 2nd birthday party do you refuse to buy a card and present because they're too small to do it, or do you sign it just off yourself?

Mothers Day has hijacked Mothering Sunday for commercial reasons, the day was supposed to be about returning to your mother church nothing to do with tacky cards, presents and over priced Sunday lunches.

What a ridiculous post. People all over the UK are celebrating Mother's Day today. It certainly exists.

Fair enough. I don't think it's old fashioned or nonsense that if one person is out working hard as the op describes the other who quite clearly has free time should pick up the slack in other areas.
I say this regardless if the sex of the individual who is working or at home.

If it's your first child he might not have quite 'got' the idea that you'd want a card from the child, written by him. He may have wrongly assumed that it should wait till the kid can participate in choosing/ making a gift a bit more?
Make sure you get to do something you like today, he did ask.
I'd say gently mention the card thing, next year it could be more fun as the kid could make something etc.
On the subject of him not pulling his weight in general, then that's another matter and should be dealt with on a long term basis, can you ask more of him? How would he react? That will be telling.