Hello- As moms we made the choice to make the sacrifices we did. Our children owe us nothing for our choices.
Unfortunately humans come from a long lineage of vile acts that have created sociopathic personalities through the ages and no amount of nurturing can change that. If you study just a wee bit of history (the Muslim slave trade where Europeans were kidnapped for centuries, including entire villages, and taken en mass into brutal slavery, the Triangle slave trade associated primarily with America and Britain, warring, etc. you will find that human suffering is so great that many children (our ancestors), if they survived, suffered such great trauma that they disassociated from their feelings. After thousands of years of incredibly harmed humans breeding even to this day, the sociopathy and it's uglier cousin, psychopathy, that was forced into the brain as a survival mechanism, or already existed and was teased out, is showing up as possibly a 30 percent factor of the human population.
Sociopathy is the "Hey, it's all about me, me me" adult personality that goes beyond immaturity and seeks to dominate, manipulate and destroy anything that gets in the way of such ambition, whether it is family, friendships, work associates and sometimes even strangers, . Your daughter is exhibiting this along with taunting behavior and a clear lack of compassion and empathy. This does not mean she is a sociopath but there are clues and taking a couple years to examine her behavior without you asking anything of her might help you understand whether she is sociopathic or not.
Most adult children would not go about explaining why they can't buy or even make a Mother's Day card. It would not even cross their minds to do so knowing that just spending a few hours on Mother's day with their moms, or making a loving phone call is gift enough if we raised our children to not confuse gifts with acts of love. If we pouted and threw hissy fits and guilted our kids when we didn't get gifts for Mother's Day then as adults they might genuinely resent this forced gift giving, which has nothing to do with love and try to reject proving their love for us through gifts. Was she raised with the expectation that she had to prove her love to you? Is she afraid to express such feelings to you for fear of being put down or disappointing you. If you well examine your own behavior around gift giving at Mother's Day and it included inappropriate expectations and taught those then you might respond to her by stating " I learned alot from motherhood and I am so glad you feel that way about gifting at Mother's Day. I was caught up in that as being symbolic of love and may have taught that to you but I have changed my mind about all that. I hope to never get another gift in my life from anyone that is given out of training or guilt." Then let it go. Don't try to wrangle a visit or anything out of her. If she is not sociopathic she will at least call you on Mother's Day out of compassion for your position of being a mother on this day and not wanting you to feel left out. If she doesn't then her professions of being broke might be a form of her enjoying cat and mouse behavior, with you the mouse. You need to let her go to find out who she is but you also need to lessen any behaviors you taught any child about gifts that included guilt about not giving them or giving one's you deemed less than satisfactory. Acknowledging our own shortcomings helps children do the same for theirs, whether minors or adults.
I suggest you work hard to get a life outside of concerning yourself with her behavior towards you. If she is unable to appreciate what you have done for her at this age, she is either immature or sociopathic so giving her some space for a couple of years to see if she initiates a positive relationship with you can help you discover whether she is immature or sociopathic. If immature she will come around and seek to be relationship without any ulterior motives other than to hang out with you to do something fun together occasionally or even routinely. If sociopathic she will be nice to you when she needs money or even support for deplorable behavior. An immature person regrets harming others and seeks ways to be more responsible towards others, examines their own contribution to any situation and admits others are not always at fault. Sometimes our fault can lie in hanging out with sociopathic people. A sociopath adult seeks support in a different way- they want you to side with despicable treatment of others and are often those who claim others are always at fault. Immature adults do that too but grow out of it being an absolute.
Sociopaths will pretty much wound most of the people they meet in life, including any partners and children born. Mom's and dad's to them are handily available week targets to exploit for their own needs, including the pleasure of taunting another human being just as a cat does a mouse. If she is sociopathic, you will suffer greatly and your life will be daily hounded by preoccupation with how she can behave so unloving. It is not her fault if she inherited these traits, which can also skip generations just as other traits do. Science of the brain, along with evolutionary psychiatry, does not concern itself with how to happily spin terrible news about some of our less favorable traits but it does give us information to help us deal with and even lose negative traits passed on through breeding. Breeding animals for personality traits is commonly done and accepted but we humans like to think we are out of the loop of such possibility even if we are not.
Sociopathy is the manipulator that will try to take advantage of a loving parent's natural guilt. A sociopathic parent would feel no guilt or wonder where they went wrong when faced with the unloving acts you are being shown by her. Your daughter might even take great glee in harming you, as is evident in her blatant lie (can't afford a card) meant to bait you into a negative response so she could run with that and taunt you further, hoping to use guilt against you.
Sociopathy is the person who partners with others based on preferences for large breast, muscled pecs, or red hair or small feet or some particular physical feature that turns them on and then easily dismisses a partner when they no longer do it for them. Sociopathy is the person who expects a partner to put their extended family to rest and lose all former friends in an attempt to control all aspects of the partner's life. It is the person who has no genuine affection and hides behind hobbies and or work to avoid true connection with others, something they don't want and avoid. Sociopathy is the person who marries for security and baffles a partner who may of married for love, companionship and affection but can't figure out why they feel so rejected.
Sociopathy fakes love and affection which absolutely confuses and confounds those who are not sociopathic. Unfortunately it is the manifestation of non nurturing behaviors. Those born with the trait spend their lives in struggle to manipulate and control everything at great expense to others who find it difficult to accept these "heartless" humans exist among us. Their greatest and possibly most fun for them manipulation is in getting others to believe they have failed and to do better by them. This supreme manipulation causes loving people to give more to the sociopath who in turn is never satisfied.
Sociopathy explains why some of the worst of us rise to the top in the political and corporate world and try to usurp the incredibly compassionate people who also rise to the top out of sheer passion to help others. . Someone has to be the parent of the sociopathic personality. Most sociopaths don't commit crimes per say but they do commit lack of empathy, compassion, appreciation, patience, love, acceptance and nurturing. They make the worst parents and partners and any human would be well advised to examine themselves for the trait and refrain from possibly bearing future sociopaths or partnering with a non sociopath. Strong governing laws that punish acts of physical harm helps keep sociopathy from reigning as a way of life in modern society.
Over the next two years you might try to break free of preoccupation with her, be kind to her, as you already are but don't get caught up with her, don't guilt her because that just plays into her happy place, get a meaningful life of your own outside of being a parent, and help others who will be blessed by your generosity. If you pledged financial help for college tuition, follow through as I suspect you did it out of love and don't have expectations in turn. If she is eventually found to be sociopathic it is not her fault but you have to protect yourself from her, sad and difficult as that will be. Otherwise you will lose your life, including your hard earned money to her life. If she is not sociopathic, she will eventually show this to you through her evolving into a loving, compassionate person who shows this behavior towards you without your needing to be asked to be treated well. Take care to give your relationship the space it needs for you to discover who she is. Hopefully she just is immature- Take care of yourself by working hard to create fulfillment in other areas of this opportunity called your life. Explore who you are and what your interests are aside from mothering. Help those who need it through Volunteerism and enjoy the rewards of such. You are not alone in loving either an immature (we all are to some degree no matter our age) human or a sociopathic one but you don't have to feel alone because you do- that is up to you!