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AIBU?

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Original poster

my attitude on this 1st date?

362 replies

ricollete · 09/03/2024 08:03

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

OP posts:
TheCadoganArms · 09/03/2024 15:12

Viviennemary · 09/03/2024 15:02

Sounds a bit creepy mentioning sex on a first date. You dodged a bulllet I think.

Well context is everything I guess. If both parties have hit it off and had been sparring off each other playing devils advocate in a cheeky flirty fashion then it could be okay.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/03/2024 15:18

beatrix1234 · 09/03/2024 14:49

Don't worry OP, it's just the bar is pretty low on MN when it comes to men.

Show quote history

I skipped from the second page to here but those very words about the bar being set very low are ringing round my head too.

OP, I get it.

laveritable · 09/03/2024 15:18

Good for you! He is an idiot!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/03/2024 15:20

Viviennemary · 09/03/2024 15:02

Sounds a bit creepy mentioning sex on a first date. You dodged a bulllet I think.

I agree.Very creepy.

bumblebutt28 · 09/03/2024 15:20

So predictably depressing for MN to resort to the 'low bar' or 'low standards' rhetoric just because not everyone has a stick up their arse.

You do realise it's possible to feel differently about something without insinuating that the other person is somehow beneath you, don't you?

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/03/2024 15:22

allthehuns · 09/03/2024 14:48

I think it's actually pretty mean of you to walk out like that. I would feel awful if that was me and be so embarrassed I probably would lose confidence to go on a date again for a while.

You could have just said something like ... look I think that's a really inappropriate question. I don't think we're suited after all. And then ended the date in a normal way. Walking out without a word though!? That's so rude.

Oh gosh. How terrible of OP making a creepy bloke feel bad.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/03/2024 15:26

bumblebutt28 · 09/03/2024 15:20

So predictably depressing for MN to resort to the 'low bar' or 'low standards' rhetoric just because not everyone has a stick up their arse.

You do realise it's possible to feel differently about something without insinuating that the other person is somehow beneath you, don't you?

Firstly I think you've misunderstood the point about the bar being set low. It's nothing to do with thinking any one is beneath me.

Secondly it's amusing that you castigate the supposed rudeness by being extremely rude yourself.

SamW98 · 09/03/2024 15:28

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 09/03/2024 15:22

Oh gosh. How terrible of OP making a creepy bloke feel bad.

Show quote history

Yep. She should have just giggled and simpered then told him about how often she gets the rabbit out obviously.

Thats what he really wanted her to tell him let’s be honest

willWillSmithsmith · 09/03/2024 15:35

The thing is, regardless of whether OP should have just upped and gone or said goodbye, red flags were raised for her. One person’s red flag is not necessarily someone’s else’s but mentioning sex like that within an hour was a red flag to OP and enough to put her off. It’s good to see someone with the courage of their convictions when it comes to red flags. How many of us would like to go back in time and leave at our first potential red flag.

Annabellouise · 09/03/2024 15:40

I got asked the same on a date before and I thought it was a red flag, I still
carried on speaking for a while after and there were so many more red flags that I wished I’d of done what you did on the first date. Yanbu

Helfs · 09/03/2024 15:48

Viviennemary · 09/03/2024 15:02

Sounds a bit creepy mentioning sex on a first date. You dodged a bulllet I think.

Creepy?

60% of men and 43% of women have sex on the first date

let alone discuss it

Why is it creepy discussing sex on a date.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/03/2024 15:53

I agree with you as he just had to lower the tone and none of his business at that early stage asking you such a personal question and really shows you what his intentions were. Keep up your strong boundaries.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/03/2024 15:53

I don't see why you had to just grab your shit and walk out though.

Say 'I don't think thats any of your business right now' or 'I don't really want to discuss that' ... surely?

If he were to then push the issue and not listen to you, sure, leave, he's rude, but on a date where you've already done a lot of the early chat/get to know you stuff via text/messenger, I don't think this is a 100% outrageous thing to bring up (albeit, there may have been subtler ways).

He hasn't known you for just an hour, you've been talking to the guy over a whole week! Its a very different situation to just meeting a randomer in a bar you both happen to be in!

willWillSmithsmith · 09/03/2024 15:58

Helfs · 09/03/2024 15:48

Creepy?

60% of men and 43% of women have sex on the first date

let alone discuss it

Why is it creepy discussing sex on a date.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t necessarily call it creepy (depending on their delivery) but it would irritate me if it was mentioned on a first date at his age. It probably wouldn’t have if we were both in our twenties and in that ‘horny’ phase but now, from a man in his forties (or older) it would annoy the hell out of me. It would come across to me as a man only thinking with his d*ck. Not saying everyone would but I’d have felt the same as OP, ie this man is not for me because if he was he would not have asked this question at this time.

DrBlackbird · 09/03/2024 15:59

The amount of so many women saying ‘how rude’ surprises me.

We do so much emotional labour and the heavy lifting in our relationships (however brief) and worrying about their ego and self esteem. When we really don’t need to.

I’ll bet any amount of money the date was not fussed, did not feel crushed or wounded (men asking such questions just wouldn’t), but rather shrugged and thought ‘she’s not up for it’. Then drank both drinks and tried to chat up some other woman.

If a man walked out on a date without saying anything in response to him telling his date that he wanted sex and she said that she wasn’t up for it, then posted this on Reddit and asked if he was being unreasonable, I wonder what the response would be from other men? Anyone on Reddit want to try the experiment and report back…

@ricollete fwiw, I’m impressed and wish my younger self had that insight into the shitty behaviour of men and confidence to act in the moment.

LenaLamont · 09/03/2024 16:10

@DrBlackbird - I think it's the stalking out without a word that's the very rude bit.

"I don't think this is going to work out so am calling it a night. Have a good evening," and leaving is pretty blunt but at least communicating.
"That you think it's OK to ask me that tells me we aren't going to be compatible. Let's save each other some time. Good bye," might be a little clearer, and still gets her the hell out of Dodge.

Getting your bag and coat and leaving without a word is breathtakingly rude, no matter which party did it to whom.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/03/2024 16:11

I am shocked that so many think that what the man asked is ok. Did he think the op would just giggle and start talking about sex and then he thinks oh I'm in there. Op did the right thing and what were her boundaries. So many other questions he could have asked her but no straight to sex which shows his true intentions.

Bluestarling · 09/03/2024 16:13

If she fancied him, it probably wouldn't have bothered her.

tothelefttotheleft · 09/03/2024 16:15

Scattercushiony · 09/03/2024 14:21

Are you by any chance ND op?

I've got two autistic children.

Op seems the opposite to me.

bumblebutt28 · 09/03/2024 16:15

@IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle I'm not castigating rudeness, I'm castigating superiority. Hth.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/03/2024 16:15

So many saying she is rude or if she fancied him it would have been ok. Ok maybe in the world of people who think his question was acceptable.

SamW98 · 09/03/2024 16:16

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 09/03/2024 16:11

I am shocked that so many think that what the man asked is ok. Did he think the op would just giggle and start talking about sex and then he thinks oh I'm in there. Op did the right thing and what were her boundaries. So many other questions he could have asked her but no straight to sex which shows his true intentions.

i agree. He thought he’d get her to talk about sex and that after 3 years she’d be dedicate for him.

IfYouCouldSeeWhatICanSee · 09/03/2024 16:16

I agree with others who say they wish they'd had the confidence and courage to disengage with men who I had no business being in the company of alot earlier in my life.
However you choose to do it, it's not wrong.

SamW98 · 09/03/2024 16:22

SamW98 · 09/03/2024 16:16

i agree. He thought he’d get her to talk about sex and that after 3 years she’d be dedicate for him.

Show quote history

*desperate not dedicate

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 09/03/2024 16:23

@ricollete you did nothing wrong. He was a creep and he made you feel uncomfortable so you left.

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