my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yes, and any woman who says they have or would do the same is called a liar and laughed at. It's awful to read, women tearing down other women for having their own boundaries.
I am being genuine when I say if others are happy to detail what they do in private (which is really the only answer apart from "mind your own business") on a first date, fine. However, I imagine many wouldn't and lots of women wouldn't be comfortable with such prying (asking OP to confirm if she had any one night stands, etc.). It's not surprising or unbelievable that many of us would walk out and not tolerate it.

First date is when both parties should be trying to show their best side, by drssing and grooming themselves nicely, by behaving politely, be interested in the other person, etc etc

If a date asked me about my masturbation/fwb etc in the first hour of the first date (assuming the convo wasn’t heading that way already) I’d have creeper vibes too.

Young me would have giggled at the comment and allowed him to speak/behave inappropriately to me. Current me may have walked out or worse yelled at him asking him who the fuck he thought he was to say that to me and depending on his response I may have thrown my drink in his face. A smirk or defending it for sure would infuriate me.

So OP isn’t alone in her reaction in fact she was fairly restrained imo.

I can see that the people who'd act the same way as OP are certainly v. emotionally stable... geez

Yes—anyone else see the thread yesterday from the woman who was gently accosted by a man outside a store? He “kindly” offered to buy her flowers in honor of International Women’s Day snd when she politely refused he began hurling abuse at her. “frigid bitch” IIRC.

Im sure Im not the only woman who has had seemingly ordinary interactions derailed into abuse once the man isn’t getting what he wants from the interaction.

Honestly, we just don’t know. OP hasn’t said he was being lecherous or pervy. She’s also said that during their week of chatting there’s been no impropriety or sexual flirting. So it seems unlikely that he’s suddenly launched into full-on creep mode.

This comment shows a stunning lack of common sense. The first in person meeting, second drink, with all the social expectations that press on women to grin and bear social discomfort is EXACTLY when you would expect the start of the push to overwhelm boundaries. Any earlier and the date never happens, any later and he might (gasp) have wasted his time not getting sex.

My friend went on a date and at the end of the evening, the bloke asked her to come into his car which was right at back of car park so he could (and I quote) unleash the beast. When she refused he starting shouting at her that he wished he hadn’t paid for her dinner because she’s a fucking frigid bitch who lead him on and prefers a cup of tea to sex like a typical fucking woman.

This was a man in his 50’s who up to that point she actually liked and would have dated again.

One of the points of dating is to learn about each other's boundaries and limits. I wouldn't have taken his question as a sign of incompatibility, but rather the opportunity to express my boundaries. "That question is too personal. I'd rather not discuss it." Then how he responded to that would indicate what kind of person he is.

But what you did is fine if you'd rather wait for someone who in the first hour of meeting is very clearly exactly what you are looking for.

Of course you’d be going around assaulting people

Sometimes people do believe their own BS on here

Yes we women are so violent LOL.

I mean, you obviously feel you were reasonable and are comfortable with your behaviour and reaction, so I am genuinely confused with you asking here, given you've stated it won't impact you any way? Why are you giving it headspace when you're never going to speak to him again, and you're not interested? Your behaviour, as much as his, is done now, and you've blocked him..

That said, you did ask, so. I think you were well OTT and to be honest, rude. I understand you found his question rude (and I can totally understand why - if you're dating with a view to relationships, sex coming up in the first hour would be off-putting IMO, I fully agree), but you don't always need to respond to a faux pas with rudeness.

A simple 'I don't feel comfortable with that question, and it tells me we're incompatible, so I'm just gonna head home' or something akin, would have sufficed. The immediately getting up, grabbing your stuff & leaving without a word, regardless of how calmly you think you executed it, was done for dramatic impact. I'm reading this imagining witnessing it, and I honestly cringed, more so at your reaction than to his question to be honest.

As a woman, I really couldn't be arsed dealing with a woman who chooses to communicate this way, and I'd feel like I'd dodged a bullet. Never encountered someone in real life that huffs like that (who isn't around age 8).

Not acting like a petulant child in response to something you heard that you didn't like, doesn't equal lowering your standards to accept behaviour you don't like, nor siting through a date out of politeness. There is middle ground whilst still holding your boundaries strongly.

I don't think he should have asked. I can see why he did. Some people are open and will talk about anything (my kind of people), some don't. You don't know this really until you get talking to someone.

It appears, in my opinion, you've a strong desire to come across as super high standards and not tolerating anything you don't like. Sadly I think the impact you actually had was flouncy, hard work and infantile. I don't think you came across well either. Incompatible, both dodged a bullet.

Excellent summary @Toobluntt.

I became single again in my 40's and I was far more horny and driven by sexual compatibility than in my 20's.

I had bad sex for 22 years, I will never endure that again.

I know what I like and sexual compatibility is important.

I don't think being older changes anything.
I used to talk about sex on a first date because I'm not wasting my time or their time if we're not a match. I also think being older means I'm much more confident to discuss those things.

I don't think OP was wrong to be uncomfortable, but hearing a potential partner hasn't had sex for 3 years might be a red flag for him.

I would be surprised if someone said that to me, and likely have follow up questions.

Not sure that makes me creepy.

In fairness, screaming expletives at someone and throwing your drink in their face is a fairly violent response 🤷‍♀️

You’re the one who said(lied) you’d chuck a drink

Well ... despite announcing at the start that she was 'confident in her response, just wanted to hear others' opinions'... she flounced from here too!
😅

I think it was because he wanted sex not a relationship and was trying to suss out his chance for sex that night. Well done on leaving.

Agreed. The typical 'it's ok if a woman does it because a man dares to ask her a sexual question on a date', but if she had asked him and he'd responded like that, there would have been a call to police.

It's not acceptable. Regardless of your gender.

That's not necessarily true.

I've had three relationships since divorcing.

I slept with the first two on the first date. We went on to date for two years.

My partner and I slept together on the second date. I was definitely the instigator. He's my person and I will be with him hopefully for the rest to my life.

Completely agree with your take @EarringsandLipstick

Having boundaries and sticking to them doesn’t mean being needlessly rude!

I can't believe the hard time you're being given here... I wish more women, esp young women, behaved like this. We are always told to trust our gut feelings but if we act on them we often get told off... OP well done!

There’s nothing wrong with having a boundary - I completely agree enforcing boundaries is good and don’t think OP was wrong for deciding this was an incompatibility and ending the date (but I do think walking out without saying anything was OTT).

It is a matter of opinion though - I personally wouldn’t have felt aggrieved in any sense by such a question because I’m an incredibly open person and pretty much no topics are off limits to me, even within an hour of meeting someone. Especially on a date - when I was dating i really liked discussing deep and personal stuff, including sexual topics, early on because for me that’s how I like to get to know someone, and I also wanted someone as open as me.

I can absolutely imagine myself asking someone whether they’d had sex in three years if they said they’d been single that long (I’m a woman for avoidance of any confusion) and it wouldn’t even be me trying to get them in bed, just curiosity/nosiness. So I’m probably the opposite to OP in that someone who said they felt uncomfortable discussing that wouldn’t be compatible with me because I think in the context of a date it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and not even that personal.

So I don’t think OP is wrong for feeling as she did (even if it’s not how I’d feel) but I don’t think the guy did anything wrong either and I don’t think it’s indicative of him lacking social skills.

OP's cleared off, so I won't get an answer to this:

"been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing"

"OLD is fun and I have met a lot of interesting men and have had some very good dates so far"

Does "so far" mean 3 years ago, or does "no dates" actually mean several dates?

@GermaneGermer actually read what OP has written: she said she walked off calmly. That is not a flounce.

And I don't think it was a faux pas or nerves on his part, he was fishing to see when he could get sex.

Maybe he was fishing about when he could expect to get sex…. but there’s nothing intrinsically wrong in that. I would find such an approach crass, but that’s just my personal take.

Perhaps “flounce” isn’t the best word to describe what the OP did, but that doesn’t change the fact that simply getting up and walking out calmly without a word in mid conversation is frankly an unnecessarily rude response. She could have easily ended the date swiftly without doing this.

@Jom222

You sound unhinged.

Yes, men are statistically more violent than women, but that’s one area where women shouldn’t be trying to strive for equality with men!