my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Absolutely. We are told as women to listen to our gut and if a date makes us feel uncomfortable for whatever reason to protect ourselves and leave.

And yet when the OP does exactly that, she’s castigated by other women

Agree with you Sam well said. She did not owe him any explanation but I think I would have called him a dirty perv and then walked off. Imagine if this were their daughter on a date and a man was asking a question like this.

I think people are just bemused by the strength of the reaction.

If everything had been going swimmingly well - hour in, second drink, great chemistry - then the comment about sex. Would the OP have upped and left or cut the guy a break?

Or is it more likely the date was really going nowhere before the comment was made?

Yes,I see that’s the point being made. However, for one, she’s already explained that she was speechless because of being so shocked and taken aback at the question. Two, she pointed out in any event that she communicated what she thought by her actions.

I guess my wider point is that women on average tend to worry about being rude to men (or, if you like, to anyone) but that this concern, again on average, is just not reciprocated. It really isn’t.

And why wouldn’t we say that his question to her was rude? And if someone is rude to you, there is no social rule requiring you to be polite in return. Possibly some psychological harm in doing so ie in not standing up for yourself? Anyhow, I applaud her rapidity in seeing this as a red flag and acting on it.

For whatever reason OP got the ick from him after that question. No dates were hurt by her walking out and its not necessary to caper around bleating that OP was rude for ending it abruptly. Perhaps her experience has led her to avoid negotiating an exit with a stranger in a bar who is encroaching on her. I know I am old enough to just walk away without performing feminine care for others when i feel I may be in danger.

I was in a second date with a guy I really liked and it was going well after a brilliant first date.
Then out of the blue he said ‘I can’t not mention the fact you’ve got the most fantastic tits’ - and in that moment the attraction I had disappeared and I thought ‘sleazy creep’

I told him it was a really inappropriate comment and rather than apologise he doubled down and said that he thought we were at stage where I would accept a compliment - if that’s his idea of a compliment then we were absolutely not on same page.

We awkwardly finished our drinks then went out separate ways but he still messaged me unapologetic saying he was confused that I had turned for no reason .

I wouldn't have been offended at all, just conversation. I think walking out was ruder but maybe it wasn't a match meant to be.

He's a bloke being cheeky on a date...not a dangerous sex fiend

Quite!

It was an hour into a first date, you felt uncomfortable so you walked away. I'm a strong believer in acting on instinct so I think you did the right thing. However no doubt others will raise the possibility that he spoke without thinking if he was genuinely surprised someone he found attractive would be in your situation

Why bother? The world's not so short of men, and being without one's not so dire, that we have to take on any old tactless half wit we can find, and educate them out of asking about the sex life of people they met an hour earlier, is it?

Agree, it can be very hard to understand some men’s true motivations on dates even if their profiles say they’re looking for a relationship, asking this kind of question so soon on, when it seems obvious you’re not really into casual sex etc objectively doesn’t sound great. Obv I wasn’t there but generally that would give me the ick, when dating I felt I had to have my guard up a bit because some men know they won’t get anywhere sexually if they don’t say they’re looking for a relationship. I think it’s good you know your boundaries even if some people might think they’re a bit ‘high’/‘unreasonable’…

I don’t think you did the wrong thing leaving if you were uncomfortable.

I also don’t think he was hugely inappropriate. If anything it’s probably a reasonable gauge of how comfortable you are talking about sex / lack of etc.

If your sexual interests are cards you chose to keep close to your chest and he likes to lay his on the table cheerfully for all to see - then this probably wasn’t the relationship for you!

Absolutely fine to leave however you want if something makes you uncomfortable. This is why one shouldn’t commit too much time to a first date!

How do you know that? Sex pests don’t wear T-shirts advertising the fact

He was rude and crass and it clearly put you right off him. I think it was a very personal question to ask someone on a first day, and I'm quite impressed that you obviously decided immediately 'This man is not for me,' and wasted no more time on him!

Asking but what do you do about sex does not equal dangerous sex pest.

Personally, I think he crossed a line, but maybe I’m old fashioned. I would also see this as him having a high sex drive, which would put me off.

You're still missing the point.

If a man I was at the early stages of dating indicated he was happy to go three years without sex I'd consider there would be a mismatch in our sex drives which could make a relationship difficult. He was cutting to the chase, and probably surprised.

Ugh. You were right to ditch him.

Think we all are by now 🙂

I think you were wrong to say you’ve not had sex, relationship or even a coffee date in 3 years. That is a 🚩to me - don’t mean to say you’re not a beautiful woman or a wonderful person, but that’s disclosing too much information too early.
I wouldn’t ask his question about sex but I would think it - you were both over the top. Keep your cards closer to your chest. Just my two cents anyway.

Oof OP.

I think you were unnecessarily rude. Your post almost reads as if you’re proud of yourself for treating another person this way.

There are lots of reasons he might have asked the question, including the fact that he might have just blurted it out without thinking! First date nerves affect men too….

You say you’d been chatting for a week - usually the sleazeballs make themselves known quickly. The question might have been made in all innocence - some people are just very comfortable with these things, others less so.

Regardless of his reason for asking the question, you can’t help how you feel. I’m quite an open person so it wouldn’t even occur to me to find it offensive. For you it was a red line and that’s fine. But how you handled it wasn’t fine.

If the sexes were reversed and a man got up and walked out of a date without a single word, I don’t think anyone would be cheering his behaviour. Asserting boundaries doesn’t mean ignoring basic manners.

Also, it’s not about societal expectations for women to be nice - the same applies to both sexes. If he’d said something offensive or rude then walking out would be understandable. But he just asked a question that you felt was too personal- he’s not been insulting, or deliberately offensive. He just misjudged things - that doesn’t warrant such rudeness. By all means leave if that comment was an instant no-go, but there’s no reason for such rude dramatics.

😂😂

Yeah a lot of people are making this about men and feminine care. Really it's not.
I date women too. Same principles apply.