my attitude on this 1st date?

[ricollete]

Matched with this man on the app and after about a week of back and forth messages, it seemed like a good fit so we went for happy hour yesterday.

One hour or so into the date and on our second drink - the topic came up and I told him I have been single in 3 years - he asked questions and yes, single as in not seeing anyone / no dates / one night stands, nothing

He asked why and I gave him my reasons

Then he asked:
’but what do you do for sex?’

I looked at him (I must have looked surprised) then in a very calm and collected manner, grabbed my bag and my coat and walked out - then blocked his number.

My friend thinks I was OTT but really?
I saw it as a huge red flag - a stranger has no business asking me this within 1 hour of getting to know me.

Anyway even if I was OTT, it gave me the ick instantly so I did not want to be there and waste more energy saying anything really.

BTW - I’m not religious or have strong views on how people should conduct their sexual lives.

But that question, from a man to a woman, one hour into a first date?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

To SAMW98 what a comment he made to you, crass and inappropriate. Is a better way he could have complemented you but like you I would have been turned right off and I like a good laugh etc but hate crude and rude. I wish had listened to my gut when I was younger but maybe now that am in peri-meno I would not take this crap.xx

Nearly half of posters daughters (of consenting age) are having sex on the first date

Let alone talking about it

Anyway, comment if you wish too, but there’s no point in admonishing (or praising) the OP as they’ve said what they want to and have left the thread.

"I won't be answering that question, it's inappropriate. I'm going to call it a night. Thanks for the drink. Goodbye."

I would have found the question funny and flirty. I wouldn't have answered or thought he expected an answer. I most likely just rolled my eyes and changed the subject. I'm not particularly unusual. Based on that you can see he could be a complete creep but he also could have just misjudged your reaction.

I think you were unkind.

I don't get those figure (but then my maths never was much good)

It seems to me that some of the men are having sex with the same woman - otherwise it would be 50/50 ? 🤔

If it were me, I couldn't resist coming back for a little peek ! It's evenly split - essentially half of Mumsnet (and her mate who knows her) thinks she was a bit harsh.

It would be a red flag for me not because of the impertinence (although it is impertinent) but because "what do you do for sex?" After you've already answered those other questions implies he can't even fathom not having sex for three years. If the reason is that your husband died three years ago and you've not met anyone else since then it's a deranged question. It would show me that we're incompatible because to him just having sex is more important than the quality of the connection.

Yeah, that's the idea. Our of the dating pool, two men will end up having sex on the first date with the same woman (different dates, one would hope!).

Good on you.

He asked you an extremely personal question too early. It might teach him some sensitivity.

He may have just been looking for a one night stand but accidentally blew his cover. It's why women need to be careful as you were so you did good there as he's riddled with red flags.

What were the rest of the red flags he was riddled with please ?

😃😃

How have we got to the point that it is seen as reasonable to just walk out. It's rude. What would be reasonable would be saying 'look, I don't appreciate that question. It feels inappropriate. It's made me feel uncomfortable so I'm going home now. Good evening'. And then leave.

Absolutely.

I would describe myself as a very active and engaged feminist.

It absolutely enrages me when feminism is used to excuse awful behaviour by women. It affects all of us because it trivialises feminism and dilutes our arguments against inequity.

I completely agree that general societal expectations of women are to keep people happy, particularly men. And of course we should be challenging that.

But some of the views here, especially from OP, that it’s “not her job” to worry about the feelings of a man are pretty fucking horrible. We should all give a shit about how we treat each other, that’s the premise of good manners, if nothing else. Being rude to someone else just because you can isn’t feminism.

You shouldn’t compromise your own feelings and boundaries to keep a man happy, hence why the OP should have free licence to end any date, for any reason. But humiliating someone and being so rude just because he asked a question she didn’t like isn’t about asserting boundaries or refusing to please men. It’s just plain lack of manners.

You weren't over the top he needs to mind his own business

@SpidersAreShitheads

But some of the views here, especially from OP, that it’s “not her job” to worry about the feelings of a man are pretty fucking horrible. We should all give a shit about how we treat each other, that’s the premise of good manners, if nothing else. Being rude to someone else just because you can isn’t feminism.

I completely agree. How have we got to this point where people think once they are offended all bets are off and shutting goes.

Manners are but the same as pandering. One can be polite whilst firm in their stance. Giving no fucks about any one else's feeling is the down fall of society. In fact the people that inspired me the most are the ones who are able to retain their good grace whilst delivering a strong message.

Saying I'm uncomfortable I'm leaving isn't apologising tho. Absolutely no need to apologise if someone's upset you so you're leaving. The suggested phrase actually works because it ISN'T an apology, it's a statement of fact

Sure, lets be polite with the creeps and walk on eggshells around them.

Because its vanishingly unlikely he would sit there in polite silence while she delivered that speech. More typically, he'd have interrupted, talked over her, told her she was a prude, he didn't fancy her anyway, other insults and possibly even become aggressive. Men can get very nasty when women criticise them, and it's not worth the risk just to be 'polite'. It is a shame things have come to this, but there's too many unpleasant men to circumvent without some collateral damage expected.

You need to re-read my post. I never said we should tiptoe around unpleasant men.

Myself and many other women on this thread don’t see the question about sex as something that automatically flags this man as a “creep”. Many women, including myself, wouldn’t especially mind the question on a date.

He’s not sat there openly slavering over her breasts or making lewd comments. That would be different.

He’s just asked an honest question that’s evolved naturally during the conversation that was clearly misjudged.

I don’t think that warrants rudeness. As I said before, if he’d been deliberately offensive then fine. But they were discussing relationships so I don’t think the subject of sex is unreasonable.

I think @tittybumbum is spot on. Good manners should be the very least we should all expect from each other.

OP doesn’t have to “walk on eggshells”. She’s more than capable of using her words to articulate the fact he’s made her feel uncomfortable so she’s leaving.

It’s really not very much to ask.

I mean yeah, maybe she should have said something. But we don't always get it 100% right. Walking out without a word is a bit rude, but no where near as rude as asking someone you've met, who has told you they've not dated in three years and their husband died, "what do you do for sex?" as if not having sex is unthinkable and as if it's any of his business.

What response did he expect as a normal reply to that line of questioning "I have (specific model) of vibrator"? I guess maybe something like "actually I only sex when I'm in an emotionally connected relationship with someone I trust" , but surely the answer to the other questions already made that clear. He asked her why she'd not had one night stands or dates and she'd already told him. So yes, the question is very very rude.

I do actually take your point here. But I still think there’s a way to briefly say goodbye without openings things up to this possibility.

OP managed to “calmly and coolly collect” her coat and bag so I think she could have done that and as she stood up could have just said “I’m not comfortable with what you just asked me so I’m leaving.” - and then turned on her heel and gone.

He’s watched her gather her coat and bag and stand up without creating a scene so I do think OP could have briefly said goodbye as she left. It didn’t need to be a full-on conversation, just a one-liner would have sufficed.

I think if OP had described any feelings of feeling unsafe that would be different. But she was just thoroughly irritated and couldn’t be bothered wasting her breath on good manners (she’s been very clear on this point). I really do think that’s unbelievably shitty.

We don’t know the tone of voice he used. The questioning was intrusive and could have felt like negging. Op did the right thing for her. I don’t think that should be belittled especially as she is widowed.

You don’t know what negging means do you

I wouldn’t see it as a rude question.

I would actually like to know more about the specifics of how it was asked as OP didn’t provide this information.

Did he blurt it out? (Clumsy comment because he was genuinely surprised that anyone would go that long)

Was he wondering if OP has a low sex drive and was wondering about compatibility? (not unreasonable to mention sex as they were discussing relationships)

Did he think he was being funny? (Ill judged humour maybe due to first date nerves?)

Was he trying to flirt?

Was he being lecherous?

Was he expecting sex after the date?

Honestly, we just don’t know. OP hasn’t said he was being lecherous or pervy. She’s also said that during their week of chatting there’s been no impropriety or sexual flirting. So it seems unlikely that he’s suddenly launched into full-on creep mode.

I wouldn’t have minded the question but I appreciate why OP didn’t like it.

I don’t think either the bloke or OP got things quite right here.I also suspect they wouldn’t have been compatible so probably no loss on either side tbh.