Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

Really? In what way?
Is it the way OP never shuts down the inappropriate commentary or maybe it's the way she expects them to attend so the commenters are not upset?

Never having their back in these situations doesn't sound that 'lovely' to me 🤷‍♀️

@Thebirdlady - which side of the family are nit picking over the attire that your daughters wear? Just wondering. I can't see if it has been mentioned whether these are your side of the family or your partner/DH's side of the family.

@Thebirdlady the girls can always turn around and reply "it's better than taupe anyday"!!!!

Unless it’s Sam Smith. I defend my right to ridicule some of his ‘style’ choices.

Oh they would be offended would they if your daughters weren’t there.
Pity they didn’t think about that before they opened their mouth.
I stand behind your daughters in the right to not go.

@willWillSmithsmith I'll give you a pass on that one. But only because he's deliberately being outrageous.

This

I can't understand why the girls take it seriously, the mockers are the ones who look bad

They are adults. You cannot force them to attend anything and frankly after putting up with family members talking rubbish about their appearances.

Good on them for having enough self respect for themselves to not put up with rude people in the name of “family”.

they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.

Tell your family that the continued negativity that they spew around their clothes have 100% contributed to their absence at gatherings. If they want your children to attend, then they need to contribute to an environment that is respectful of their choices.

Be very proud that your daughters have chosen not to subject themselves to family bullying.

Tell the silly farts to fuck off being rude about your lovely DDs.

Dark clothes and doc martins... shock horror... my mam was wearing that in the 80s, I inherited it from her in hand me downs in 2000, my 15 year old kids friends are wearing it now too... its hardly weird new cutting edge fashion.

Chavvy bullies will bully alt people no matter how normal/fashionable their clothing actually is simply because they are twats not because 'young people dress strange'.

Because it's not nice to sit there and have your appearance picked at and criticised, no matter what the circumstances.

I also know I would never have had the guts to speak up to an older relative at that age. Yes, I was an "adult" but at family gatherings you're often still treated as a child. It's not as easy as saying "don't take it seriously" or "why don't they just say something".

Frankly, both of your daughters are old enough to make up their own minds, so let them. If anyone asks, then you tell them that the comments about their appearance, at previous get togethers made them uncomfortable, hence them not being there. Done and dusted.

The answer is …they get to choose and if they choose no, your explanation to the family members who comment should be that they weren’t made to feel welcome.

@Thebirdlady you and your DH need to stick up for your children. There’s no need to be rude but you do need to be assertive to shut it down.

Your daughters need to be told that it’s ok to say ‘please stop with the comments about how I look. It’s unkind and I don’t like it’

Why don't the girls respond? Why don't you give them "permission" to respond (not that they need it, they are both grown adults clearly trying to be polite) I don't think you need to speak for them. I also think they can respond without being TOO rude ... e.g."oh, it's a modern trend", "what did they wear in your day?"

I had inlaws like this and the same thing happened to my daughter when she found her own "style". (funny enough our sons also had the same type style, and they were never commented on. Funny that) When she was 18 she decided no more monthly sunday lunches out with them because of it. I asked her to go to two more. First one I told her we would take two cars to and she would eat then leave in the car with an excuse of needing to be somewhere. When she left I waited until the bills were asked for, Then I simply said "ok family. The reason she left early is because I needed a word. She had decided not to come anymore and I asked her to give it a chance if I talk to you. " I then explained politely how she was feeling. PIL and BIL families where mortified that they had hurt her feelings. Next monthly lunch came up and she came, felt akward at first but it went well. She continued going until she was married with her own kids. PIL are both gone now so lunches ended several years ago. If even ONE of them had commented on her appearance at the second lunch, the deal was that our family of five would get up (pay if we had already ate, or box up our meals) and leave together and start our own sunday lunch out tradition. Having our kids with us was more important than the others at that table. But as reasonable and nice people they changed their behavior

The fact that you and your DH have let these comments slide for years is unconscionable. Now that they are adults, they get to choose who they socialise with, and if you feel you must say something if questioned about their absence, you can simply say "Oh, they're off doing their own thing".

TBH, after all these years, it would be kind of hypocritical of you to deliver a some sort of

I think it's fine for your daughters not to go - if anyone passes comment I'd just say they're adults, they're busy, they have their own lives. I'm surprised you've not said anything to your relatives about their rude behaviour though. I'd definitely have said something!

.... scathing inditement on their past judgments.

If your daughters choose to see them again, they are now adults who can give their own opinions without enduring parental censure.

Well, firstly they are just at the age for finding such family gatherings a bit boring, especially if there are younger kids present and no cousins their own age. I remember having a few years where I turned down invites to family gatherings, or only went for a short time to be polite, as I just wanted to spend time with people my own age. It’s a normal developmental stage, I think, when you’re still seen as not quite a fully fledged adult by wider family. By early to mid 20s I was happy to attend family events again, as an adult and an equal. If your relatives’ children are only young they won’t understand this as they’re in thr middle of “our kids come everywhere with us” stage.

I would not be making your children attend things they don’t want to attend unless important like a wedding or funeral or someone’s big birthday. (Where it’s usually easy to find a quiet spot or other relatives a similar age). They do need to learn that some events are just non negotiable in families and unless there is a huge rift they need to learn to suck it up and show up.

I also think they are old enough to be standing up for themselves regarding the comments, with you as their “cheerleader”, on their side and modelling ways to respond eg you should laugh and say “oh, FIL, no-one wears X type of shoes anymore, haven’t you noticed all the young ones wearing Y? Isn’t that right, DD? What’s the name of that tik toker again, who started that trend off?”

or, alternatively, “yeah, DD finds the current trend of everyone wearing X item of clothes a bit boring, it’s no fun to look like a clone of everyone else, is it? They prefer this look as it fits in with their musical tastes, doesn’t it, DD? Tell Uncle Pete what the name of that band is that you like, to see if he’s heard of them.”

you want to make the point to the relatives that there is a generation gap there and by constantly commenting in what I assume is a disparaging way about their outfits they’re just showing up how old fashioned and stuck in their ways they are! They’ll soon shut up when they’re made to feel past it 😆

'No need to comment on Eva and Maisie's appearance, thanks. Would anyone like more tea?'.

'Eva chose not to come today as her appearance was criticised by three of you last time she visited and that wasn't fun for her. Have you been watching Celeb Big Brother'.

Loads of ways to point out their bad behaviour, and the consequences, without it becoming what I think you think would be confrontational.

Let them swerve it.
If someone comments on them not being there, tell them why they do not want to come.

I would stop pressuring your girls to go, that would be the first thing. The second thing I would do is shut down immediately any comments around your girls’ appearances by telling your family members that it’s inappropriate and rude to make such comments.