Daughters don’t want to join in family gatherings

[Thebirdlady]

I have two daughters ( 20 years and 18 years) who dress in unconventional clothes (nothing shocking,just lots of dark colours and clumpy Dr Martens etc.)They always look smart and clean.
We get invited out for family meals with my in-laws and my husband’s niece,nephew and their very young children.
My issue is that every time we meet , someone finds it necessary to pass comment on my girls appearance,normally along the lines of ‘what are those shoes?Can you walk in them? Or
some other comment.Then someone else chips in and they have a conversation over the girls appearance.They are polite kids and so don’t respond in the way that I would if someone was commenting negatively about my appearance.
Now I’m having to persuade them to attend these functions because they don’t really want to come.
But we don’t see we them very often and they seem offended if my girls aren’t there.
I just bite my lip and change the subject but I don’t really enjoy these occasions because I know they make my girls uncomfortable.
What ,if anything,is the answer?

"No one should have to 'laugh off' someone taking the piss out of their appearance/fashion choices."

Nobody? Ever? Come on, some fashion choices really are laughable!

Fine to think it in your head- no need to say it out loud lol. Not every thought you have needs to be verbalised- the world doesnt revolve around your opinion I'm afraid. I think a LOT of things in my head but I wouldnt say them out loud because, well, why? What does it achieve except make the other person feel rubbish? what are you expecting the reaction to be- "omg ok I'll get rid of the coat then if you don't like it!".

People dress the way they like to dress- if they didnt like it, they wouldnt be wearing it- thats patently obvious to most people with half a brain so commenting negatively on it is pointless because they clearly DO like it. They wouldnt have bloody bought it otherwise. If someone asks you what you think fine to say its not really my style and I'm not keen on the collar or whatever, but unsolicited negative comments are mean spirited and they say way more about the person making them than the person on the recieving end.

I'm not surprised they don't want to attend! Family "gatherings" are grim at the best of times, but why should they have to talk to these unpleasant people? They are ADULTS - they can choose for themselves whether they want to attend.

I'm not surprised they don't want to attend! Family "gatherings" are grim at the best of times

Amen to this too. I remember when I was that age I hated family gatherings- endless questions about who I was dating, comments on my appearance, questioning why "all" young people did this, did that (but of course if I made similar generalisations about older people it would be suddenly wrong) etc. They were boring, tedious and unpleasant and akin to having a root canal.

I stopped going in the end and I think your daughters should do the same.

Well said!

Amazes me how many people think it is perfectly ok to comment negatively because THEY don’t like someone’s choice of clothes because it’s not to their taste. No one asked them to wear it or for an opinion in the first place. I doubt they would be happy if someone came up to them and negatively commented on their choice of clothing.

I also don’t know how doc martens are not normal. All ages wear them and there are plenty of styles that suit different personalities. They also last ages so usually a good investment.

Why are you persuading them to go and see people who are rude to them? They’re adults, they don’t have to be dragged along like children to visit horrible family members. Though it’s bad enough to drag the children.

You should have their backs.

As soon as I was old enough to refuse to go, I stopped going.

Always a nightmare of creepy uncles, grabby granddad's and moist lipped nans. Euch.

Is @Thebirdlady not bothering to reply?

Your DD's are well within their rights not to attend but I think they should one last time. When the comments start they should reply with " well I'd like to wear (whatever the person making the comments is wearing), but it just makes people look sooooo old/drab/boring whatever word they choose, and follow it up with their sweetest smiles.

YAVVVU in letting this happen, where’s your voice, I would calmly call them out for discussing your DD’s appearance, if they then continue let your DD’s not attend and explain why they are not there. I’m furious on your DD’s behalf

I think the vote is quite split, because it isn't clear from your OP what you are asking.

I think Y have been VU to just "bite your lip" whilst adults make your dc feel so uncomfortable
I think YWBU to try to make them go. They are adult. It is up to them if they go. If they enjoyed spending time with their Grandparents, then they'd want to go. (Or should this be YANBU to not make them go ?).

I also think Y have BU to bring your dc up with so very little self resilience, or confidence in their choices. They aren't 13 yr olds experimenting and probably getting it not quite right. They are adults.
People on here disagree about when a bit of family banter becomes unkindness - that line will be different in different families - but every generation has worn their own fashions which are not liked or understood by those from their parents or grandparents generation and the overwhelming majority of us have managed to carry on with life with a bit of an eyeroll at those who feel the need to verbalise their thoughts.

Why don’t you say anything to your family? Also are your family living on the moon? Teenagers have been wearing DM’s and black since the 80s.

You describe your daughters’ clothes as unconventional. Surely if that’s the case it’s fair enough for frumpy, old relatives to comment if they’re not being malicious?

Im an adult and I decide if i want to go places. Same for family occasions. If I don’t want to go, i dont.

your girls are adults. Let them be.

My son is very similar dark clothes, clumpy boots, black nail varnish, he stopped going. When people asked, I told them the truth. "That is not an excuse. We do not criticise him!" a lot of offended relatives. I persuaded him to come to 3 more events. The first was an "let them see what they are doing" event. The 2nd was a chance to fix it and if they hadn't toned it down by no3, the deal was he never had to go again.
People didn't realise how often they criticised him (and others) until it was pointed out every time. It did work though.

I am with the tedious old relatives be quiet re appearance.

Honestly so rude. If you can't give a compliment then be quiet.

I'd explain to the wider family that the comments are unwanted.

CBA to read the whole thread but, next time, why the hell can’t you say ‘ DDs are not coming because you always take the piss.’ ?
Why do you sit back and take this shit and not give any back? 🤷‍♀️

This generation don’t put up with this shit like we did. And good for them,

Dd aged 14 after mils constant tinkly laugh comments about her food said “are you trying to fat shame me granny”. Cue slapped arse face but frankly mil deserved it. Live by the sword die by the sword.

Your Daughters are not being unreasonable. Bored relatives do this 🙄. Stand up for your daughters op.

The family are offended if your daughters don't go but are happy to offend them when they do? Don't make them go if they don't want to.

They're young women, not girls OP and they don't want to go as they're at that age.

Surprised you expect them to be going still, most teenagers stop wanting to tag along to family stuff at 14-16.
Surprised they've lasted this long.

Sounds they're confident enough to have carried on with their style, so I think it's more an excuse just not to go, which they're entitled to.

You can't change other people's crappy behaviour but you can change your own behaviour. Stop being so concerned about causing offence when you don't see these family members very often and instead stop pressuring your girls to attend when they don't want to. If that was my daughters and they chose not to come and it was questioned, I would be responding, "Every time my girls come, someone is unnecessarily rude about their fashion choices. It may not be to everyone's taste but they love it and it's nobody else's business. Due to the negative comments, they don't wish to attend and I 100% support their decision"

At 18 and 20 they can choose to.go or not..and to be honest if younger and people were always criticising I'd prob make excuses to avoid them as well
My dc 15 has sensory issues so likes 'safe food' and yet I've allowed my siblings to comment on it for years..but have decided to now ask if they eat everything/please don't comment etc etc
People ought to stop being so bloody rude all the time.
Why do we always feel we have to spend time with people that are rude and we feel.we have to accept it..

Why? Just why are you putting your two girls in a position where they are torn to bits over the style of their clothes.
sorry but as their parents you need to step in & ok guys enough this upsets the girls yes tgeir choice of clothing is unique but they’re hurting no one so let that be the end of the conversations from now on thank you.
God if anyone tore into my girl everytime they saw her I’d give them the sharp side of my tongue.
if they don’t want to join you anymore it’s their choice they’re grown women ffs stop treating them like teenagers let them be who they want to be!!

Your daughters are younger.rn old enough to Ake their own decision you should be supporting them not people pleasing other folk

People don't dress unconventionally if they don't expect their attire to be commented on